(no subject)
Today, or should I say tonight, it’s the same day that I can't stop think.
Now, just like any other time when some feelings come up again, from the bottom of my heart.
At times like those, I wish I was dead, wish that I wasn't born at.
Like this I can't help but somehow wish or pray that I won't be a Jewish.
Impossible right? Since if you are born as a Jew, you will always be one, even if you change religions, turn into Christian and such, nothing help. Jewish is a Jewish after all.
It makes my heart ache so much. It's not that I hate being Jewish, okay only sometimes, I mean it's not like I'm being chained or something , I swear I'm having a normal life, being the normal 19 (okay not yet but I'm already 18+) years old girl, servicing the country etc.
Nothing bit at all.
So why am I like this? I wonder so myself.
I guess it's just the religion itself or should I say the house I am in right now. Don’t get me wrong I love my family and I sure, no, I know that they love me too back as much.
It's hard only for me being like this, living in a Jewish orthodox house, we aren't crazy or saints, no one is, it's even nice.
But it's not for me. Maybe because my heart is incomplete wish the whole religion thing. I want to travel, want to get to know the world better, being able to do many things without that the religion thing will forbid me.
Hell, I know I can break everything, do whatever I want, no one going to kill me for that, but I am still afraid.
Afraid to be a sinner and end up dying (though I sometimes believe everything is a nonsense god doesn’t really help me till now- see, another sin to think like that about god) but my biggest fear is my family reaction.
Mum always nag me to find some orthodox boyfriend and stuff, really why should I ruin my life from now, okay I am over reacting. But seriously, I want my own life. I wonder if they will accept me if I will ever tell them I don’t want to even get married to a Jewish. It's the worst thing I can do.
I feel like crying every time I think of it, about my life. I am simply not satisfied with anything in my life.
I wish I had the courage to say it out loud, no one is going to kill me I know; I guess I am just a chicken after all.
It may sound stupid but I have so many things to say. I wish I could tell my parents that, I want to go away, to live somewhere else, in Korea, yes it's my aim. To meet a cute guy and live happily, to be able to listen to the music I like and talk over the bands and singers with more people other than myself and my online friends (don’t get me wrong, I love you all, it's just that it's not same okay? I mean chatting on net than in real life), to watch Asian dramas together and stuff, things I do by myself right now and above all I wish to find that someone who I can trust with all my heart, someone to lean on, someone who will be there for me and that I will be there for him.
Korea, my aim, funny how I don’t care to lose everything I have right now (not that I have much) for a chance to be there even for an hour. All of us wants to be there so why am I different being so silly over such a thing? Simply because it's a lot more than just a stupid dream to me.
Love, I fall in love with that country, with the people, with the language and everything. It's like it was my home in the other life. Never been there, I will someday, but everything will shine, even the darkest corner there.
Just the thoughts about that country and people makes me happy and teary at the same time, give me laughter but also great sadness.
Those words I just wrote came from the bottom of my heart; I don’t know if anyone will read this because really, I don’t need pity and stuff but indeed writing help me release my stress a bit.
Sometimes I wish my parents would see this thoughts of mine on a paper, but again , reaction is what I am afraid of, the disappointed in their eyes an heart that their only daughter doesn’t want life like theirs (I have 3 more brothers though). Yet, I'm nothing but a big coward like I said before.
Ah, they really are good parents, nothing to be afraid of, Jewish are alright too, my religion doesn’t kill anyone I swear, go read on net or something.
But its hard on me, I want someone who will take me from here, Israel a good place…. For someone who knows to appreciate the country, I just don't fit.
Really god sometimes I wonder if you really hate me? I want to reborn as someone else somewhere else.
But overall life is fine, doesn’t hate, doesn’t like, its fine, nothing more, nothing less.
Time is 1:08 am, I should just go sleep on it. :)
And for those who read this, thanks… for listening to the pitiful me.
사랑해
Now, just like any other time when some feelings come up again, from the bottom of my heart.
At times like those, I wish I was dead, wish that I wasn't born at.
Like this I can't help but somehow wish or pray that I won't be a Jewish.
Impossible right? Since if you are born as a Jew, you will always be one, even if you change religions, turn into Christian and such, nothing help. Jewish is a Jewish after all.
It makes my heart ache so much. It's not that I hate being Jewish, okay only sometimes, I mean it's not like I'm being chained or something , I swear I'm having a normal life, being the normal 19 (okay not yet but I'm already 18+) years old girl, servicing the country etc.
Nothing bit at all.
So why am I like this? I wonder so myself.
I guess it's just the religion itself or should I say the house I am in right now. Don’t get me wrong I love my family and I sure, no, I know that they love me too back as much.
It's hard only for me being like this, living in a Jewish orthodox house, we aren't crazy or saints, no one is, it's even nice.
But it's not for me. Maybe because my heart is incomplete wish the whole religion thing. I want to travel, want to get to know the world better, being able to do many things without that the religion thing will forbid me.
Hell, I know I can break everything, do whatever I want, no one going to kill me for that, but I am still afraid.
Afraid to be a sinner and end up dying (though I sometimes believe everything is a nonsense god doesn’t really help me till now- see, another sin to think like that about god) but my biggest fear is my family reaction.
Mum always nag me to find some orthodox boyfriend and stuff, really why should I ruin my life from now, okay I am over reacting. But seriously, I want my own life. I wonder if they will accept me if I will ever tell them I don’t want to even get married to a Jewish. It's the worst thing I can do.
I feel like crying every time I think of it, about my life. I am simply not satisfied with anything in my life.
I wish I had the courage to say it out loud, no one is going to kill me I know; I guess I am just a chicken after all.
It may sound stupid but I have so many things to say. I wish I could tell my parents that, I want to go away, to live somewhere else, in Korea, yes it's my aim. To meet a cute guy and live happily, to be able to listen to the music I like and talk over the bands and singers with more people other than myself and my online friends (don’t get me wrong, I love you all, it's just that it's not same okay? I mean chatting on net than in real life), to watch Asian dramas together and stuff, things I do by myself right now and above all I wish to find that someone who I can trust with all my heart, someone to lean on, someone who will be there for me and that I will be there for him.
Korea, my aim, funny how I don’t care to lose everything I have right now (not that I have much) for a chance to be there even for an hour. All of us wants to be there so why am I different being so silly over such a thing? Simply because it's a lot more than just a stupid dream to me.
Love, I fall in love with that country, with the people, with the language and everything. It's like it was my home in the other life. Never been there, I will someday, but everything will shine, even the darkest corner there.
Just the thoughts about that country and people makes me happy and teary at the same time, give me laughter but also great sadness.
Those words I just wrote came from the bottom of my heart; I don’t know if anyone will read this because really, I don’t need pity and stuff but indeed writing help me release my stress a bit.
Sometimes I wish my parents would see this thoughts of mine on a paper, but again , reaction is what I am afraid of, the disappointed in their eyes an heart that their only daughter doesn’t want life like theirs (I have 3 more brothers though). Yet, I'm nothing but a big coward like I said before.
Ah, they really are good parents, nothing to be afraid of, Jewish are alright too, my religion doesn’t kill anyone I swear, go read on net or something.
But its hard on me, I want someone who will take me from here, Israel a good place…. For someone who knows to appreciate the country, I just don't fit.
Really god sometimes I wonder if you really hate me? I want to reborn as someone else somewhere else.
But overall life is fine, doesn’t hate, doesn’t like, its fine, nothing more, nothing less.
Time is 1:08 am, I should just go sleep on it. :)
And for those who read this, thanks… for listening to the pitiful me.
사랑해