(no subject)

[manicmellou]

Tired. Why am I up? To be honest I don't really even know anymore. Nightime makes me irritable or depressed. It's the roller coaster I normally sleep through. I think I will abandon current project to bag the Itallian, plans are definately not working. I'm pretty sure he hates my stinking guts. Well to move on. Usually when I write It is because I am overwhelmed with thoughts or feelings. This confusion that I am going through Is the same one as always, I don't quite yet know how to tame the beast yet. I am trying hard to force myself, or rather what I am reverting to, back into the box. THe box makes me hapy and calm. In a way like a blindfolded animal. The struggle stops that way and I am not being hurt. However, It seems as though I have lost touch with the part of me that has enough power to calm the wild thing. I hate this I hate it all. It is so much work to keep my eyes open. I know that once my head hits my pillow I will be granted peace yet I cannot do it. Why am I making myself suffer a rock slide of emotions hand in hand with my deprivation. Am I punishing myself? why? I suppose for making others suffer. It is very much an endless cycle of self-sabatoge. Always I feel alone. I have never met anyone who made me not feel that way(for long). Sometimes I like it. I think in a lot of ways that is why I push away. It doesn't seem like I do, but I know that I do push away. Who am I? I guess that is one of the most irrelevant questions that could ever be asked. The answer is probabally even worse. I think soon I will lose concious thought of what I am writting. I know why I keep staying awake. Hoping for something, anything to come my way. I need to start a new life, stop clinging to meaninless nothing. I hate that I cannot look into the eyes of those I know and not love them. I want my heart to be cold. Not mean just untouched. I want to be alone forever. THere is no reason for this crap to keep repeating itself It's to horrible to bear again and again. Cursed life! why am I the one to be cursed with EMOTION! I know others suffering are great but feeling as though you are in the feiry pits of hell already when you have not yet even lived your life! that is a cursed soul to have so much going on and very little control. Call me crazy at least then I will find my peace, something to subdue this chaos!

SKREW LOVE and PASSION!
Hell with it all
Everything is meaningless...
I will Crawl alone
until my hands bleed
then I will crawl on
for I cannot FEEL!