PMS from hell

[manicme99]

i feel like i'm being sucked into a vortex of helplessness and hopelessness. i cried myself to sleep last night b/c i see know way out of it. i know it's just pms and it will pass but it doesn't really make it any better. all i want to do is cry and self-injure, and other nore darker things tht i won't go into. i feel like i'm at the end of my rope. the only thing that moderately helps is massive doses of klonopin but then i can't get anything done. i hate my living situation. my dad is not helping matters. he has worse mood swings than i do. any little thing can set him off. last night it was the fact that my mm asked him to pick me up from class. the problem was i already new she was going t ask and he was "the last to know". so he was pissy and bitchy and hurtfull all night. normal i can deal with it but right now it's a little much to bear. i'm vrying as i type this. he things everyone is out to get him. anything i do or say is either an afront to him or wrong. if you turn up the heat from what he had it set at he takes it as an insult and gets mean to everyone. same with if you ask him to turn down the tv. any disagreement is seen as a challegne and you're "out to get him". if i'm in a bad mood he acts like it's my fault and blames me for it. i have irritable bowel syndome and has horribe constipation. i told him i wasn't feeling well, he asked why, i told him i was constipated with abdomianl cramps and he asked me why i was having those. in an accusatory fashion. same with if i'm  feeling stressed or depressed or anything but happy. i have to have a reason to have a backache or a headache even though i've been having them constantly for my who life and i have horrible allergies. he quizzes me and gets anrgy at me for being tired. he doesn't understand and desn't want to. he's constantly in a bad mood and taking it out on me and my mom. i'm not allowed to express how i feel to anyone. if i tell my bf he just says it's my own fault for not sticking up for myself and i must like the way things are and they mut be working. my momjust wants me to try to keep my dad happy even though she sometimes snaps at him. but i constantly have to pretend that nothing is bothering me. that nothing he says hurts me or upsets me. it's up to me to suck it up and take one for the team. i've been doing it my whole life. at least when i lived in another town it wasnt' constant. i just feel like i'm getting eroded and no amount of drugs are going to help. he's constantly complaining about the cost of everything, inclusing my meds and doctor appointments. I'd like to see a psychologist but that;s another bill and would be offset by the amount of guilt layed on me. the only time he shows an ounce of compassion is when i'm seriously suicidal and even then he sometimes acts like i'm faking it. he'll always reminding me that he pays for eveything. I tell them all the time how much i appreciate all their doing for me but it's never enough, he has to rub it in to feel superior. Nothing i do is good enough. either i study too much or not enough. i see my boyfriend too much, i spend too much time in my room, i sleep too much or not enough. NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT! half the time when i do try to talk to him he's preoccupied with something else so what's the point.

and i know most of this is the PMS talking but a lot of it is just shit that's been bubbling under the surface for months and the PMS make it harder to contain. I just wish i had someone to takl to and to listen tto me, without judging me.