worry is wasteful.
left ______ ____ on friday evening to return to my hometown. stayed with Mah Sistah on friday night, but then on saturday, E asked me about 8 or 9 times when i was leaving because he wanted "alone time" with Mah Sistah. basically, he wanted to fuck & was pissed because they hadn't been able to all week. so i had to stay at my parents house. which is what i had been avoiding. i got into a little tiff with the mother, but nothing so terrible. i just hate being there alone.
sunday, came back down here to SIU. paul came down that night as well, & just left wednesday morning. it was good to be able to spend so much time with him. he gained a couple of pounds, which makes me happy, but him very very upset. he smoked (weed) while he was here. i didn't think that he should, but i can't stop him. & i wouldn't. only now he's all mad at himself for it, which i don't like.
CP is going insane. lying to me, manipulating me. & paul pointed it out as well. she's holding $500 paycheck over my head. a paycheck that i have to have. i can't not have it. see, the thing is, when cerebral palsy gets really bad, "positive touch" can calm it down. & so she's been telling me that it's been bad. but i can see that it isn't. i'm not stupid. & she faked a seizure in front of paul, who is an EMT & pointed out to me that it was fake. but it looked just like all the others that i've seen. so how many of them were fake? how long has she been lying to me? it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't using me for what she's using me for. positive touch... cuddling... rubbing... sex. which we haven't done yet. but she booked us a hotel next weekend (not upcoming weekend) "so we can go off campus & get our business stuff taken care of for the premier." & i can't argue with that premise. we need to get stuff done with the premier. only she's been hinting at what she wants to happen that weekend, & i don't want to. sex means something to me. if it didn't, then whatever, i'd fuck her & be done with it. but it's not like that.
girls use me.
my father used me.
what is wrong with me that everyone thinks it's okay?
& it's not just a question of sex. people use me for everything from feeling better about themselves to cigarrettes to money to drugs to whatever. anything they need that they know i can do.
the problem is that i don't know if i can do it anymore. i'm tearing myself to pieces over this CP thing, over not feeling like i have control, about feeling like my body isn't mine... like it's her's... or like it's his again. it's not fair. he took my virginity, & now she wants to take what i have left: my first time with a girl.
paul is the only one who knows what's going on with CP. but she has a paycheck that i desparatly need hanging over my head, & the ability to destroy my reputation at SIU (which i have worked really hard for)... she needs me & i don't know how to say no. she's basically turning me into a prostitute. a whore. my father already thinks i'm a whore. paul doesn't know how to help, & that upsets him, & i don't want him to be upset. because i care about him. only i don't see a way out of this without fucking up everything.
i feel sick all the time now. i'm rarely if ever holding down any of my food. i'm sleeping when i should be up & up when i should be sleeping. my arm is a mess. i finding it hard to dissociate, except when i'm with her. the only person i'm really talking to about anything is paul, & conversation with anyone else is difficult for me to maintain. i feel like i'm crashing & i don't know how to stop it.
truly yours,
xX. the girl.
sunday, came back down here to SIU. paul came down that night as well, & just left wednesday morning. it was good to be able to spend so much time with him. he gained a couple of pounds, which makes me happy, but him very very upset. he smoked (weed) while he was here. i didn't think that he should, but i can't stop him. & i wouldn't. only now he's all mad at himself for it, which i don't like.
CP is going insane. lying to me, manipulating me. & paul pointed it out as well. she's holding $500 paycheck over my head. a paycheck that i have to have. i can't not have it. see, the thing is, when cerebral palsy gets really bad, "positive touch" can calm it down. & so she's been telling me that it's been bad. but i can see that it isn't. i'm not stupid. & she faked a seizure in front of paul, who is an EMT & pointed out to me that it was fake. but it looked just like all the others that i've seen. so how many of them were fake? how long has she been lying to me? it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't using me for what she's using me for. positive touch... cuddling... rubbing... sex. which we haven't done yet. but she booked us a hotel next weekend (not upcoming weekend) "so we can go off campus & get our business stuff taken care of for the premier." & i can't argue with that premise. we need to get stuff done with the premier. only she's been hinting at what she wants to happen that weekend, & i don't want to. sex means something to me. if it didn't, then whatever, i'd fuck her & be done with it. but it's not like that.
girls use me.
my father used me.
what is wrong with me that everyone thinks it's okay?
& it's not just a question of sex. people use me for everything from feeling better about themselves to cigarrettes to money to drugs to whatever. anything they need that they know i can do.
the problem is that i don't know if i can do it anymore. i'm tearing myself to pieces over this CP thing, over not feeling like i have control, about feeling like my body isn't mine... like it's her's... or like it's his again. it's not fair. he took my virginity, & now she wants to take what i have left: my first time with a girl.
paul is the only one who knows what's going on with CP. but she has a paycheck that i desparatly need hanging over my head, & the ability to destroy my reputation at SIU (which i have worked really hard for)... she needs me & i don't know how to say no. she's basically turning me into a prostitute. a whore. my father already thinks i'm a whore. paul doesn't know how to help, & that upsets him, & i don't want him to be upset. because i care about him. only i don't see a way out of this without fucking up everything.
i feel sick all the time now. i'm rarely if ever holding down any of my food. i'm sleeping when i should be up & up when i should be sleeping. my arm is a mess. i finding it hard to dissociate, except when i'm with her. the only person i'm really talking to about anything is paul, & conversation with anyone else is difficult for me to maintain. i feel like i'm crashing & i don't know how to stop it.
truly yours,
xX. the girl.