Twilight was a bad movie

[mangaroo]

...and other thoughts.

I think Twilight might have benefited from a better writer, a different director, some new casting, and less extreme Edward hair. Mostly the characters seemed deprived of both personality and backstory, and the big romance was lacking chemistry. Spark. Romance. He glitters like jewelry for #*$%'s sake. How bad a writer or

Comments

[mangaroo]

What I liked about the casting for Papa Cullen was that he conveys an aura of other worldliness and old worldiness. It's like he glows even without the sunlight. Special brother doesn't quite do that, but he...well, he looks like the Edward Scissorhands he is supposed to be. All the other Cullens (including Esme, who seems like a very nice undead person) were...normal. Way too normal to pull off the cafeteria scene.

Bella's dad was just a better actor than 90% of the cast. Or he escaped the clutches of the director of doom. "Okay, what I want you to convey here, [Edward] and [Bella] is the utter oppressive awkwardness of being teenagers. Try to say "mmm" a lot. No, more apathetically than that. Also, now that you're dating, never look at each other. Nothing says eternal love like two people who look at anything else but each other when talking."

Not having read the books, I'm kind of hoping that Bella's creepy clinginess in the hospital scene near the end comes from a kind of reciprocal post-feeding hunger. 'cause love shouldn't make you that pathetic.

I couldn't watch the Hillywood parody all the way through. This relationship is dull even as a joke.

[wednesday_10_00]

Not having read the books, I'm kind of hoping that Bella's creepy clinginess in the hospital scene near the end comes from a kind of reciprocal post-feeding hunger.

Hahaha! Ha! Ha. Well, I hate to disappoint, so...I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Did you at least get to the big dance number in the middle? Because that's the best (and Bollywoodest) part.

[mangaroo]

I skipped through the dance number. I watched the big Bollywood parts (full cast dancing) and skipped over most of the actual Twilight parody scenes.

PLEASE spoil. I don't want to read the books. The thought of sending the author any more money distresses me. They don't have eternal true love bonding mutual hunger? Bella is just a psycho needy chick? (YOU CAN'T EVER LEAVE ME!)

If someone said that to you in that tone, wouldn't you just run away as fast and as far as possible?

[wednesday_10_00]

Ah, see, by "dance number" I meant the full-cast dance part. The rest of it...goes on too long, frankly. (Except I like the song, so I kinda don't mind.)

Bella didn't react quite as badly in the book, but she did make it clear to Edward (who spends at least a third of the book moaning about how he should leave Bella for her own good) that she doesn't want him to go. The hysterics are, I think, foreshadowing to the second book, where Edward does leave Bella (for her own good, though he lies and says he doesn't love her anymore, which is not transparent only to Bella), and she goes all but catatonic for several months. And then, at the end of the book, when they get back together, she's not angry or hurt or anything, because she's just SO GLAD to have him back when she doesn't deserve him etc, etc, puke, hurl.

If someone said that to you in that tone, wouldn't you just run away as fast and as far as possible?

Yes, if someone said ANY "romantic line" from the Twilight books to me, I would be SO SO horrified, which is why the girls who think Edward is the perfect boyfriend scare me. And yet I love to laugh at the books, so maybe I'm not any better.

[mangaroo]

I have spoiled myself as best I can via wikipedia. My brain melted when I read Bella's super-special talent revealed in book 4. On account of she doesn't seem to display that quality in the first movie.

One spoiler I need from you: does she obsess over becoming physically older than Edward? (You know I'm eventually going to have to read the books, right? This is so sad. Rewrite them for me.)

[wednesday_10_00]

On account of she doesn't seem to display that quality in the first movie.

...Her shielding, you mean? She does, though--that's why Edward can't hear what she's thinking. (But her REAL talent is being a better vampire than any vampire ever! I wish I was making that up.)

does she obsess over becoming physically older than Edward?

Oh GOD yes. She throws a fit on her 18th birthday. It's revolting the way she goes on and on and ON about how she doesn't want to be OMG OLD.

Rewrite them for me.

Oh, how I wish someone would do this.

we're shooting for gold-flecked brown eyes, but hexcode doesn't sparkle

[mangaroo]

I read that her super-special talent was willpower and that's why she can be a veggie vamp right away. Is that what you mean by best vampire everkins?

Also...does Edward have a chastity thing or is he simply afraid he will bite during sex? (I should just go back and read your sparkle posts, shouldn't I? Why, oh why, did I ever rent this freakin' film?)

why not buttery yellow???

[wednesday_10_00]

Whoever wrote that was on CRACK. But yes, that is sort of what I meant--there's a lot of theorizing in the book about why Bella isn't the normal bloodthirsty newborn vampire, and Bella thinks it's because she was meant to be a vampire. Or something.

He is afraid of losing control and hurting her (biting or otherwise) during sex, yes. But he is also old fashioned and thinks he should marry her first. (I'm afraid you won't find much helpful information in my sparkle posts, but you will find a link to cleolinda's recaps, which will help you in your desire to not actually read the books.)

Also: DON'T READ THE BOOKS. JUST DON'T DO IT, OK?

Re: why not buttery yellow???

[mangaroo]

Your cartoon, it gives me strength. But now I want to see Jacob's imprinting on you-know-who illustrated by Naono Bohra.

Re: why not buttery yellow???

[wednesday_10_00]

Awww! Naono!imprinting would be totally adorable.

P.S. I just started looking back through that journal, and there are some totally adorable cat comics. (I love The Linebacker.)