So I Lied
I didn't delete the good ole El Jay. Although I wanted to and I haven't been on in MONTHS, I never seemed to get around to it.
I ran off and joined the Army. I quit school for now. I still want to be a nurse. Right now I am in AIT learning how to be a Combat Medic. I graduate in late March and will hopefully get to go back to Fort Hood, where I should be stationed with Zack - whom I am still married to.
Zack and I decided to give things another go around. He decided he really didn't want to give me up while I was in Basic Training. Words can't express how happy I am not to be getting a divorce from the man I love.
I got to see Zack the weekend before last. He's still deployed to Iraq, but he was home on his midtour leave and he came to see me in San Antonio for 3 out of his 15 days. It was absolutely wonderful to see him. I miss him so much. I can't wait for him to come home.
I am doing really well. I think my depression is over and I've really changed a LOT in the last six months. I have done things I never thought I'd be able to do and I have become a person that I love much more than the person I was before.
Over the last year or so I gained a LOT of weight. Over the last few months I've lost a lot and have really started getting back into shape - Thank You Army! It's nice to like my body again. I doubt I'll ever be athletic as I once was, but I am much healthier this way and I am proud of myself for achieving fitness goals in a healthy manner.
I took some time to myself tonight and started to draw. I suck at drawing. I miss painting like crazy, but just can't paint here. I don't have the room to store it and it would be way too messy I just couldn't do it here in the bay where I am living. Not being able to draw well disappoints me. I miss art.
I think my parents are coming around to liking Zack again. I can't express in words how excited I am about that either. It seems like there might be hope for my happy family dreams afterall.
Zack being home is really hard on me right now. I never get to talk to him and it really upsets me. I want him to enjoy time with his family since he has to go back soon, but I also miss him and really want to hear his voice and I am sad when I call and all I get is a recording that says his voicemail isn't setup. I am lonely. Ever since I saw him I've been really sad about not getting to see him and not getting to live with him. I am not depressed by any means, but I am painfully lonely and homesick. Being away from someone I love so dang much physically pains me and, well, I hate that pain.
I am worried about us. I worry a lot about us. There are days when I couldn't be more sure that we're going to be fine and I am anxiously awaiting his return from the desert, but we have a lot of work to do on our marriage and I am afraid he'll give up. I hurt him a lot in the past and I just don't know how long he'll stick around waiting for everything to be perfect. I know he doesn't expect perfection, but I just can't seem to accept any less lately.
I guess that is why I am writing on this stupid devil of a thing tonight. I am lonely and instead of sending Zack a million messages or sitting on the phone with my parents with nothing to say or crying alone on my bed, I am venting to the internet. I guess there are some things about me that I'll never change. My emotions get the best of me sometimes.
Actually - let me clarify. I am lonely and want to cry for it... but I am not sad or depressed. I am actually in a great mood today. I've been very sick lately and today's been the first day I've felt really good. I've actually very motivated and happy. I am just homesick.
Stupid homesickness. I hate homesickness.
My dog ran away on New Year's Eve, but my mom got him back five days later. One of my four gold fish died. The others are getting HUGE. My parents are doing well. My brother and his fiance split up. Poor CJ. Zack is doing amazing of course. I don't think that boy knows what failure is. He's wonderful at everything and he always has the best attitude. I love him. I truly love him.
I went to church every Sunday in Basic and just recently started going to church in AIT. God has been really good to me lately and has helped me a lot. I really missed going to church every Sunday. It used to be a very big part of my life and I stopped going for a long time. It's good to be back.
I am happy with where I am in my life. I have a tentative plan for the future. Zack and I are talking about buying a house and we seem to be doing better in our marriage. I am doing well in the Army. I don't know if I will stay long enough to make a career of it, but I am doing well and it's helped me a lot. I am also going to have the opportunity to do something good and make a difference in someone else's life - and that means a lot to me. I think I made a great decision.
I am writing a lot about Zack and our marriage, but I think I've realized lately that that is the number one most important thing in my life at this point. Maybe I didn't realize how serious it was or I wasn't devoted enough before. Maybe I was being selfish or maybe I was just immature. Whatever it was that had my vision clouded and had me offtrack was wrong and now I am seeing what really means the most to me - and that is family, especially the one I am trying to build with my husband.
I miss my friends. I don't get to talk to any of them much, but I hope they're doing well and enjoying their lives. I've made a lot of new friends - some better than others. I hope that I don't lose contact with them when I leave San Antonio!
Zack - stop being busy and call me! I miss you Bug!!!! ;-)
Everyone else take care of yourselves. I miss you!
Love Always,
<3 Mandy
I ran off and joined the Army. I quit school for now. I still want to be a nurse. Right now I am in AIT learning how to be a Combat Medic. I graduate in late March and will hopefully get to go back to Fort Hood, where I should be stationed with Zack - whom I am still married to.
Zack and I decided to give things another go around. He decided he really didn't want to give me up while I was in Basic Training. Words can't express how happy I am not to be getting a divorce from the man I love.
I got to see Zack the weekend before last. He's still deployed to Iraq, but he was home on his midtour leave and he came to see me in San Antonio for 3 out of his 15 days. It was absolutely wonderful to see him. I miss him so much. I can't wait for him to come home.
I am doing really well. I think my depression is over and I've really changed a LOT in the last six months. I have done things I never thought I'd be able to do and I have become a person that I love much more than the person I was before.
Over the last year or so I gained a LOT of weight. Over the last few months I've lost a lot and have really started getting back into shape - Thank You Army! It's nice to like my body again. I doubt I'll ever be athletic as I once was, but I am much healthier this way and I am proud of myself for achieving fitness goals in a healthy manner.
I took some time to myself tonight and started to draw. I suck at drawing. I miss painting like crazy, but just can't paint here. I don't have the room to store it and it would be way too messy I just couldn't do it here in the bay where I am living. Not being able to draw well disappoints me. I miss art.
I think my parents are coming around to liking Zack again. I can't express in words how excited I am about that either. It seems like there might be hope for my happy family dreams afterall.
Zack being home is really hard on me right now. I never get to talk to him and it really upsets me. I want him to enjoy time with his family since he has to go back soon, but I also miss him and really want to hear his voice and I am sad when I call and all I get is a recording that says his voicemail isn't setup. I am lonely. Ever since I saw him I've been really sad about not getting to see him and not getting to live with him. I am not depressed by any means, but I am painfully lonely and homesick. Being away from someone I love so dang much physically pains me and, well, I hate that pain.
I am worried about us. I worry a lot about us. There are days when I couldn't be more sure that we're going to be fine and I am anxiously awaiting his return from the desert, but we have a lot of work to do on our marriage and I am afraid he'll give up. I hurt him a lot in the past and I just don't know how long he'll stick around waiting for everything to be perfect. I know he doesn't expect perfection, but I just can't seem to accept any less lately.
I guess that is why I am writing on this stupid devil of a thing tonight. I am lonely and instead of sending Zack a million messages or sitting on the phone with my parents with nothing to say or crying alone on my bed, I am venting to the internet. I guess there are some things about me that I'll never change. My emotions get the best of me sometimes.
Actually - let me clarify. I am lonely and want to cry for it... but I am not sad or depressed. I am actually in a great mood today. I've been very sick lately and today's been the first day I've felt really good. I've actually very motivated and happy. I am just homesick.
Stupid homesickness. I hate homesickness.
My dog ran away on New Year's Eve, but my mom got him back five days later. One of my four gold fish died. The others are getting HUGE. My parents are doing well. My brother and his fiance split up. Poor CJ. Zack is doing amazing of course. I don't think that boy knows what failure is. He's wonderful at everything and he always has the best attitude. I love him. I truly love him.
I went to church every Sunday in Basic and just recently started going to church in AIT. God has been really good to me lately and has helped me a lot. I really missed going to church every Sunday. It used to be a very big part of my life and I stopped going for a long time. It's good to be back.
I am happy with where I am in my life. I have a tentative plan for the future. Zack and I are talking about buying a house and we seem to be doing better in our marriage. I am doing well in the Army. I don't know if I will stay long enough to make a career of it, but I am doing well and it's helped me a lot. I am also going to have the opportunity to do something good and make a difference in someone else's life - and that means a lot to me. I think I made a great decision.
I am writing a lot about Zack and our marriage, but I think I've realized lately that that is the number one most important thing in my life at this point. Maybe I didn't realize how serious it was or I wasn't devoted enough before. Maybe I was being selfish or maybe I was just immature. Whatever it was that had my vision clouded and had me offtrack was wrong and now I am seeing what really means the most to me - and that is family, especially the one I am trying to build with my husband.
I miss my friends. I don't get to talk to any of them much, but I hope they're doing well and enjoying their lives. I've made a lot of new friends - some better than others. I hope that I don't lose contact with them when I leave San Antonio!
Zack - stop being busy and call me! I miss you Bug!!!! ;-)
Everyone else take care of yourselves. I miss you!
Love Always,
<3 Mandy