A whole new level of lonely
Look at my arms in that picture! My arms will never look that beautiful again...
My y key keeps sticking!!! :-\
Zack and I are going to have a "Long Distance Date" on Sunday. When I was in Cincinnati, we'd both rent the same movie and watch it at the same time while we talked on the phone. We can't talk on the phone while he's in Iraq, but we can talk on the PC and watch the same movie at the same time! I am excited about this! I guess I will take whatever I can get these days. LoL
I miss him. I miss him more and more every day. The little things are now the really really big things. The slightest wrong inflection in a word can make me want to cry. I'd sell a kidney to sleep next in his arms for one night.
So when his dad was visiting, I got this weird vibe from him. Everytime I tried to talk to him, it just seemed kinda awkward. It made me feel very out of place, but I just wrote it off and him being quiet or whatever... but now that the D word is looming over and Zack is in Iraq, Dick won't talk to me at all. He won't answer my emails or phone calls. I officially think he hates me. I'm a little surprised, not entirely, but a little.
Now that I have finally decided that I could survive being an Army Wife, Zack has lost interest in the military. He wants to quit and go live in NC and join the Coast Guard. I dunno what I would do career-wise where Zack wants to live. This is all so far away that it doesn't matter... but it's another one of those "little things" that seems to be weighing heavily on my mind.
I am trying to get into the working out groove. I suck though. I had pizza for dinner. I am never gonna lose weight at this rate. I am gonna be 150 forever.
Zack reminded me what a horrible person I am the other day. I know I am a bad person. And I know I've been horrible to Zack, but I am also just bad all around and I never really realized it. Apparently, I make everyone around me uncomfortable and unhappy. This is depressing to a person who's spent their entire life trying to make other people happy! I almost think maybe everyone else would be better off without my in their lives at all. Not like I am dead or anything, but maybe I should move away and start over and leave everyone I already know alone. Most of all, maybe I should leave Zack alone. I HATE the idea of losing him and it's the last thing I want! But I also don't want to hurt him ever again. Maybe I am innately bound to be a mean, horrible person. Maybe no matter how much I try or change, I'll hurt him anyway. I know that Zack was the one. Maybe I am done now. I failed at loving the person I am supposed to have spent my life with because I am too damaged. I failed at excelling in school. I have nothing successful to show for the 22 years I've been here. I used to think I'd be something great someday. Now I just think that I am comprised of one mistake after another, each being a little worse than the last... and the most recent being the mistake of ruining the one thing I had going for me.
UGH! I need to go.
(I am really not depressed or anything. I'm just consumed in guilt and fear and love for him.. and my mind just wanders alllllll over lately. I am just thinking "out loud" now...)
I am going to bed early in hopes of being woken up in the middle of the night to talk. It's more than likely just wishful thinking, but ... well, that's kinda the story of my life right now. LoL
Good Night.
God, please be with my husband and protect him!!!
Zack, I love you.
My y key keeps sticking!!! :-\
Zack and I are going to have a "Long Distance Date" on Sunday. When I was in Cincinnati, we'd both rent the same movie and watch it at the same time while we talked on the phone. We can't talk on the phone while he's in Iraq, but we can talk on the PC and watch the same movie at the same time! I am excited about this! I guess I will take whatever I can get these days. LoL
I miss him. I miss him more and more every day. The little things are now the really really big things. The slightest wrong inflection in a word can make me want to cry. I'd sell a kidney to sleep next in his arms for one night.
So when his dad was visiting, I got this weird vibe from him. Everytime I tried to talk to him, it just seemed kinda awkward. It made me feel very out of place, but I just wrote it off and him being quiet or whatever... but now that the D word is looming over and Zack is in Iraq, Dick won't talk to me at all. He won't answer my emails or phone calls. I officially think he hates me. I'm a little surprised, not entirely, but a little.
Now that I have finally decided that I could survive being an Army Wife, Zack has lost interest in the military. He wants to quit and go live in NC and join the Coast Guard. I dunno what I would do career-wise where Zack wants to live. This is all so far away that it doesn't matter... but it's another one of those "little things" that seems to be weighing heavily on my mind.
I am trying to get into the working out groove. I suck though. I had pizza for dinner. I am never gonna lose weight at this rate. I am gonna be 150 forever.
Zack reminded me what a horrible person I am the other day. I know I am a bad person. And I know I've been horrible to Zack, but I am also just bad all around and I never really realized it. Apparently, I make everyone around me uncomfortable and unhappy. This is depressing to a person who's spent their entire life trying to make other people happy! I almost think maybe everyone else would be better off without my in their lives at all. Not like I am dead or anything, but maybe I should move away and start over and leave everyone I already know alone. Most of all, maybe I should leave Zack alone. I HATE the idea of losing him and it's the last thing I want! But I also don't want to hurt him ever again. Maybe I am innately bound to be a mean, horrible person. Maybe no matter how much I try or change, I'll hurt him anyway. I know that Zack was the one. Maybe I am done now. I failed at loving the person I am supposed to have spent my life with because I am too damaged. I failed at excelling in school. I have nothing successful to show for the 22 years I've been here. I used to think I'd be something great someday. Now I just think that I am comprised of one mistake after another, each being a little worse than the last... and the most recent being the mistake of ruining the one thing I had going for me.
UGH! I need to go.
(I am really not depressed or anything. I'm just consumed in guilt and fear and love for him.. and my mind just wanders alllllll over lately. I am just thinking "out loud" now...)
I am going to bed early in hopes of being woken up in the middle of the night to talk. It's more than likely just wishful thinking, but ... well, that's kinda the story of my life right now. LoL
Good Night.
God, please be with my husband and protect him!!!
Zack, I love you.