Mama said there'll be days like this
I cannot fail this class I am taking. And I have been working SO hard to do well. And the tests are just KILLING me! I've lost the drive to be an engineer and I don't know how to have the drive to do it when I am struggling so much. I do it because I want to graduate and be done with school and because I want to be able to go to work during the day and spend the evenings with my husband, when he comes home, but I just don't know how to be gung-ho when I am busting my tail and still not doing well. Zack is my main motivation for pushing myself right now. i know that I need to do better for me too, but I want him to see that I am not worthless, like I have been for the past year. And I just know he is gonna FLIP if I flunk this course. But I am working so freaking hard! Ugh! Maybe I wasn't as smart as I thought all this time...
Seriously, what am I gonna do?! I cannot cannot cannot flunk this class and keep on going like this.
I have to move out tomorrow and I have a final tomorrow night and one Saturday afternoon. AND I just got home from a killer exam. I am tired. I am stressed. I just want it all to be over. (school that is.)
Zack said I love you first the other night. He also said that before he comes home he wants me to get my car bumper and windshield fixed. That is a plan for the future, our future. These things may seem insignificant to most people. They're a BIG deal to me though! It's the little things, ya know? He still doesn't think I have it in me. He still doesn't really trust me, but IT is still there and he isn't fighting it as much. We are IT and I know it! I am praying like it's going out of style that this deployment is going to help mold us into the couple that we can and should be. I really think it's gonna work out. I hope so! It's weird loving someone so much. It's really weird needing him so much. I've never wanted to need anyone before, but I don't mind needing him. It would be better if the future wasn't so wobbley, but I still don't mind. Does Amanda Coyle actually finally trust someone?! I know, it's weird to me too!
I worry sometimes that he'll fall for someone else. Zack talks to a lot of old friends and stuff since he's gone, which is fine because I want him to feel as comfortable as possible and all. But you know how the past always kinda seems like "well, that could have really worked" or "i forgot (s)he was so great"... and I know he's really hurt by all of our bad things.. I just don't want him to .. well, fall out of love with me and into love with someone else. I know I shouldn't worry about stuff like that, but I do.
It's all just so tough.
Okay, I gotta get some sleep. And I still haven't written Zack's letter for the night.
Zack, if you read this, which I doubt, I love and miss you!!! I can't wait to talk to you again. I'm having a Snuggle-Craving Day! LoL
Hugs and Kisses!!!
God, please be with my soldier and all of his Army Family!
Seriously, what am I gonna do?! I cannot cannot cannot flunk this class and keep on going like this.
I have to move out tomorrow and I have a final tomorrow night and one Saturday afternoon. AND I just got home from a killer exam. I am tired. I am stressed. I just want it all to be over. (school that is.)
Zack said I love you first the other night. He also said that before he comes home he wants me to get my car bumper and windshield fixed. That is a plan for the future, our future. These things may seem insignificant to most people. They're a BIG deal to me though! It's the little things, ya know? He still doesn't think I have it in me. He still doesn't really trust me, but IT is still there and he isn't fighting it as much. We are IT and I know it! I am praying like it's going out of style that this deployment is going to help mold us into the couple that we can and should be. I really think it's gonna work out. I hope so! It's weird loving someone so much. It's really weird needing him so much. I've never wanted to need anyone before, but I don't mind needing him. It would be better if the future wasn't so wobbley, but I still don't mind. Does Amanda Coyle actually finally trust someone?! I know, it's weird to me too!
I worry sometimes that he'll fall for someone else. Zack talks to a lot of old friends and stuff since he's gone, which is fine because I want him to feel as comfortable as possible and all. But you know how the past always kinda seems like "well, that could have really worked" or "i forgot (s)he was so great"... and I know he's really hurt by all of our bad things.. I just don't want him to .. well, fall out of love with me and into love with someone else. I know I shouldn't worry about stuff like that, but I do.
It's all just so tough.
Okay, I gotta get some sleep. And I still haven't written Zack's letter for the night.
Zack, if you read this, which I doubt, I love and miss you!!! I can't wait to talk to you again. I'm having a Snuggle-Craving Day! LoL
Hugs and Kisses!!!
God, please be with my soldier and all of his Army Family!