It Feels Like Home To Me
So he has stopped saying I love you and I miss you. So I am gonna assume this is his attempt to start pushing away.
I cried myself to sleep last night. (not because of the above statement, more-so just because i miss the heck out of him and it's so lonely here without him) I've been keep myself so busy that normally when I go to bed I am too tired to lay awake crying, but ever since I mailed him his stuffed dog, I haven't been sleeping well. And last night I just laid there balling for quite some time. I am so scared for him. I am so frustrated that it's been almost a week since we've gotten to actually talk. It wouldn't be so bad if we could talk more. I am frustrated that he doesn't love me anymore. I am more than frustrated. I am utterly heartbroken. I love that man to pieces and I am head over heels in love with him. And it's all for nothing now because he is never going to want me back. I was stupid to think that I could change his mind. I was stupid to think that I was actually in a relationship that I wouldn't sabotage.
If things really don't work and we really get a divorce, I never want to be in love again. Never ever ever. I went through all the bad things. I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And I screwed that up. So I am done. We got married for God's sake!!!! We promised to spend FOREVER together!!! He was it. I was so flipping sure, and still am. How could I have let myself blow something that was so important to me?! Now I am just a moron moving in with her mom who is gonna have a career and a dog, and that's it. And I hate my career!!!!!
He's the one man who actually gave a damn. The one person who actually loved me. Whatever. It doesn't matter now.
I am still hoping that things will change, but it's hard to hope things like that when it is obvious that you are going to be the one who is wrong. I had so much faith that we would pull through and that it would be hard, but we'd survive. But I think my faith is fading. Maybe it's all the sadness. I dunno. This week has bee tough though. And it's not that I am losing faith bc he isn't calling, because I know that he just can't. It's that when he does, it just isn't there. The "oh my god, it's so good to hear your voice" or "oh wow i miss you" or "honey i just want you to know i love you".... none of that is there. And it sucks because those are the things going through my mind the whole time.
Zack is my home. He is my life. I don't know what to do with myself now. And to be honest, I don't think I want to know. I just want it all to be right again. I want the man singing to me at the beach back. Ya know, I always thought it was be so sentimental to go back and have our re-do wedding on the beach. I am an idiot.
In other news, it feels good to be working out again.
I am going to work on school stuff today.
I do not want to pack.
I cried myself to sleep last night. (not because of the above statement, more-so just because i miss the heck out of him and it's so lonely here without him) I've been keep myself so busy that normally when I go to bed I am too tired to lay awake crying, but ever since I mailed him his stuffed dog, I haven't been sleeping well. And last night I just laid there balling for quite some time. I am so scared for him. I am so frustrated that it's been almost a week since we've gotten to actually talk. It wouldn't be so bad if we could talk more. I am frustrated that he doesn't love me anymore. I am more than frustrated. I am utterly heartbroken. I love that man to pieces and I am head over heels in love with him. And it's all for nothing now because he is never going to want me back. I was stupid to think that I could change his mind. I was stupid to think that I was actually in a relationship that I wouldn't sabotage.
If things really don't work and we really get a divorce, I never want to be in love again. Never ever ever. I went through all the bad things. I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And I screwed that up. So I am done. We got married for God's sake!!!! We promised to spend FOREVER together!!! He was it. I was so flipping sure, and still am. How could I have let myself blow something that was so important to me?! Now I am just a moron moving in with her mom who is gonna have a career and a dog, and that's it. And I hate my career!!!!!
He's the one man who actually gave a damn. The one person who actually loved me. Whatever. It doesn't matter now.
I am still hoping that things will change, but it's hard to hope things like that when it is obvious that you are going to be the one who is wrong. I had so much faith that we would pull through and that it would be hard, but we'd survive. But I think my faith is fading. Maybe it's all the sadness. I dunno. This week has bee tough though. And it's not that I am losing faith bc he isn't calling, because I know that he just can't. It's that when he does, it just isn't there. The "oh my god, it's so good to hear your voice" or "oh wow i miss you" or "honey i just want you to know i love you".... none of that is there. And it sucks because those are the things going through my mind the whole time.
Zack is my home. He is my life. I don't know what to do with myself now. And to be honest, I don't think I want to know. I just want it all to be right again. I want the man singing to me at the beach back. Ya know, I always thought it was be so sentimental to go back and have our re-do wedding on the beach. I am an idiot.
In other news, it feels good to be working out again.
I am going to work on school stuff today.
I do not want to pack.