I've got all these thoughts floating around in my head bumping into each other
I've been running it all through my head over and over. I've no doubt that I love him, that I am in love him or that I always have (and have been). So why? Why all the hurt? Why was it all so bad? Why couldn't we be great? Because the thing is, we are actually perfect for each other. We want the same things from life. We want to be in the same places. We're similar enough to laugh and love and have fun. We're different enough to but heads though -- which is wonderful because he is all the things I am not and I am all of the things he is not. We complete each other. We create this crazy, driven, beautiful, brilliant, unstoppable being. We just never untied enough to do it. So why not?
So I've been thinking a lot about the first fight. The first big "holy crap". I think I was just scared. I never wanted to let anyone in. And once I let someone in, I'd push them right back out. I'd either leave them or I'd push them so far away they'd leave me. The only people I've ever loved have crushed me to pieces. And even people I didn't love would hurt me. So I didn't want to be hurt again. But it was different with Zack. I knew when I met him that he was it. I knew I wanted to spend forever with him. Within two weeks he knew all of me. Within a little over a month we'd agreed to spend our entire lives together! It freaked me out and I didn't know what to do. So I completely lost it. And I could never turn it off. At first it was just fear. And then I felt so horrible and he was so upset with me for being so terrible that I just knew he'd leave me. I just knew he'd break my heart. When I finally realized that he wouldn't do it and that I had to change because he didn't deserve it, it was too late. So here I am, heart broken - all because of me.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my whole life. He was half of me. Now I feel lost and lonely and broken and I do not know what to do with myself.
All I want to do is fix it. All I want to do is show him how wonderful we could be. Because we were. Man we were wonderful. i have never been so happy in my life.
God, it is not too late. I love that man more than anything else on this earth. Please let me make it right. You gave me something that I thought was impossible and I turned my back on it. Well I am ready now. Don't let this be the end. I love him. I love you, Amen.
So I've been thinking a lot about the first fight. The first big "holy crap". I think I was just scared. I never wanted to let anyone in. And once I let someone in, I'd push them right back out. I'd either leave them or I'd push them so far away they'd leave me. The only people I've ever loved have crushed me to pieces. And even people I didn't love would hurt me. So I didn't want to be hurt again. But it was different with Zack. I knew when I met him that he was it. I knew I wanted to spend forever with him. Within two weeks he knew all of me. Within a little over a month we'd agreed to spend our entire lives together! It freaked me out and I didn't know what to do. So I completely lost it. And I could never turn it off. At first it was just fear. And then I felt so horrible and he was so upset with me for being so terrible that I just knew he'd leave me. I just knew he'd break my heart. When I finally realized that he wouldn't do it and that I had to change because he didn't deserve it, it was too late. So here I am, heart broken - all because of me.
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my whole life. He was half of me. Now I feel lost and lonely and broken and I do not know what to do with myself.
All I want to do is fix it. All I want to do is show him how wonderful we could be. Because we were. Man we were wonderful. i have never been so happy in my life.
God, it is not too late. I love that man more than anything else on this earth. Please let me make it right. You gave me something that I thought was impossible and I turned my back on it. Well I am ready now. Don't let this be the end. I love him. I love you, Amen.