(no subject)
*sighs*
Got a phone call today. Both my daughters will be tested this summer for autism and such. I'm not taking any chances now. I see them both beside other children and I see there is somethng wrong. My youngest daughter doesn't understand half of what I say to her and it scares me.
How much do you think someone can take?
There are people who says nothing, but if you need they are there. They see me struggle with my life and say absolutely nothing because they don't know what to say, but they always know what to do. I say thank you.
Others will say nothing but do nothing either. They avoid me, avoid situations and events where I could be and you can see the panic on their face when I approach (yes I've seen that). To them I say.. well, I say nothing.
There are some people who understands. They went through the same hell I do now and they show me total support. Nancy told me this weekend that if I needed someone to talk to and cry with, she was there. Her son has problems of the same sort my sons have and she knows what I'm going through right now.
And then there are the worse kind. The kind that everytime you talk to them about children and life because it's something you have in common, they fucking say 'I don't know what I would do at your place. You are so courageous, I don't know how you are doing this.' I never answered before but now I will.
I am strong because I have to. Who will do it if I don't? Who will take care of them if I don't? Who will make sure their lunches are done, that their clothes for the next morning are out if I don't? Who would bring them back from a crisis if I don't?
I'm not courageous, I'm their mother and I refuse to let them down.
And then they think they can give me advices about them and how to.. how to live my life. How to live every single day with children that don't communicate, that make messes and holes in the walls.
I feel like I'm going toward a break down. I should have one. My ostheopath told me to cry the tensions out. That my spine is all fucked up because of that, because I'm keeping it all inside.
But if I cry.. who will be there for me?
Mu husband is a wonderful man. Wonderful. But he doesn't know how to handle my breakdowns. So I'm keeping it inside.
I don't want pity. Pity is a lot of shit right now and it only makes me feel worse. I only want my live to be normal. But I can't have that can I?
I have 2 autistic kids, and now I have to live with that.
Sorry for the depressed mood. Ostheopathy does wonder and right now we are repairing my back near my heart.