Thursday
I am too tired to come up with creative titles. At least I'm blogging. Baby steps.
good day today, another day closer to madness, hahaa, still feels craaazy.
slept in today, totally needed it, K taught my class at the Y. All of us slept in, except Keith, LOL, until after 10am. Delish.
We got up, had breakfast, did laundry, mopped, swept, random house cleaning, except it doesn't feel like chores, it feels like a privilege and an honor to have a house to care for. HAHA. wonder when that gets old ;)
k had to train his client today, so we picked up my gram and she watched mairi and eli again this afternoon while k and i did a few more errands.
K's client that he has been training for the past 2 years has become like a grandma to our kids. She is so amazing (and has lost like 250lbs, omg!). Tonight she took Mairi out, to dinner, and then to the Auditorium to see Mary Poppins. Mairi got all dressed up and was SO excited. How special for her! She got home after 10pm tonight, full of treats, and had a huge stuffed bear and a Mary Poppins umbrella ($$!) and said "mama, the whole night tonight i just thought how GREAT it was to be me!" Awww. Makes me happy. I never thought it was good to be me when i was a kid! So happy for her! This is just what I always wanted for my children, to have a great life, to be so happy, and it's not things, but wonderful caring people who give them amazing experience and fill their world with love and feeling like they are so important, because they are. I never felt important.
I had this whole blog written in my head tonight while I was running, because I got REALLY angry, but I'm so tired and K still wants to watch a show, so I don't have time to go all into it now, but I will try to come back at some point, because it's just annoying to me that I struggle so hard with this really crappy food addiction and it's not my fault. It was something that happened when I was little, that I had no control over, that happened because I had a really gross life when I was a kid, my mom was so messed up on drugs and alcohol, and her awful boyfriends, and the drama, and she always left and came back and lied and ugh. Just a hot mess, and people (kids) have it way worse, my aunts and gram were the best and all that, I recognize that NOW, but as a kid, of course I just wanted my mama, and b/c she wasn't there, I turned to food because it was there, and my gram had no money, raising me, and bought cheap yucky junk food, and whatever...so I never had a chance. This addiction took hold in my life when I was too little to know better, no one taught me any better...and now I struggle with it for the rest of my life, and it makes me angry.
That is all, just a little vent, as I continue to process and learn to live with food addiction and my condition of obesity, even if I am not physically obese anymore.
Keith was talking too about his food addiction but he made me laugh so hard because he's like "well, I guess it's good for you because I fantasize about food, not other women." HAHAHAHAHA. So true, but food is an evil mistress, that's for sure. But he has his own food addictions rooted in childhood and teen years, not out of angst but he and his mom would eat all the time for stuff because I guess that's how she grew up or was, when his sisters were gone in college and his mom and dad got divorced, and in general he never learned about portion control or moderation, and all events centered around food for his family (because his dad was so poor growing up, he kind of hoards food now, a bit of a different kind of food addiction), and in general, it just sucks that both of us struggle with this because of our family history and it is something we had no choice on, it just happened when we were unaware and whatever.
That's that. It is what it is. I would take a healthy relationship with food and a normal healthy body over food addiction even though we have a really cool life and we get to do really cool things. I am grateful for all that, but I still hate it, and I hate food. Just a little emo about it tonight, I guess, I don't know.
Off to numb the mind with Criminal Minds, better than numbing it with food ;)
good day today, another day closer to madness, hahaa, still feels craaazy.
slept in today, totally needed it, K taught my class at the Y. All of us slept in, except Keith, LOL, until after 10am. Delish.
We got up, had breakfast, did laundry, mopped, swept, random house cleaning, except it doesn't feel like chores, it feels like a privilege and an honor to have a house to care for. HAHA. wonder when that gets old ;)
k had to train his client today, so we picked up my gram and she watched mairi and eli again this afternoon while k and i did a few more errands.
K's client that he has been training for the past 2 years has become like a grandma to our kids. She is so amazing (and has lost like 250lbs, omg!). Tonight she took Mairi out, to dinner, and then to the Auditorium to see Mary Poppins. Mairi got all dressed up and was SO excited. How special for her! She got home after 10pm tonight, full of treats, and had a huge stuffed bear and a Mary Poppins umbrella ($$!) and said "mama, the whole night tonight i just thought how GREAT it was to be me!" Awww. Makes me happy. I never thought it was good to be me when i was a kid! So happy for her! This is just what I always wanted for my children, to have a great life, to be so happy, and it's not things, but wonderful caring people who give them amazing experience and fill their world with love and feeling like they are so important, because they are. I never felt important.
I had this whole blog written in my head tonight while I was running, because I got REALLY angry, but I'm so tired and K still wants to watch a show, so I don't have time to go all into it now, but I will try to come back at some point, because it's just annoying to me that I struggle so hard with this really crappy food addiction and it's not my fault. It was something that happened when I was little, that I had no control over, that happened because I had a really gross life when I was a kid, my mom was so messed up on drugs and alcohol, and her awful boyfriends, and the drama, and she always left and came back and lied and ugh. Just a hot mess, and people (kids) have it way worse, my aunts and gram were the best and all that, I recognize that NOW, but as a kid, of course I just wanted my mama, and b/c she wasn't there, I turned to food because it was there, and my gram had no money, raising me, and bought cheap yucky junk food, and whatever...so I never had a chance. This addiction took hold in my life when I was too little to know better, no one taught me any better...and now I struggle with it for the rest of my life, and it makes me angry.
That is all, just a little vent, as I continue to process and learn to live with food addiction and my condition of obesity, even if I am not physically obese anymore.
Keith was talking too about his food addiction but he made me laugh so hard because he's like "well, I guess it's good for you because I fantasize about food, not other women." HAHAHAHAHA. So true, but food is an evil mistress, that's for sure. But he has his own food addictions rooted in childhood and teen years, not out of angst but he and his mom would eat all the time for stuff because I guess that's how she grew up or was, when his sisters were gone in college and his mom and dad got divorced, and in general he never learned about portion control or moderation, and all events centered around food for his family (because his dad was so poor growing up, he kind of hoards food now, a bit of a different kind of food addiction), and in general, it just sucks that both of us struggle with this because of our family history and it is something we had no choice on, it just happened when we were unaware and whatever.
That's that. It is what it is. I would take a healthy relationship with food and a normal healthy body over food addiction even though we have a really cool life and we get to do really cool things. I am grateful for all that, but I still hate it, and I hate food. Just a little emo about it tonight, I guess, I don't know.
Off to numb the mind with Criminal Minds, better than numbing it with food ;)