Reflections
I don't even know what to write, I just feel like I should write something. I don't know if it is because of all the time off or what, but I've been kind of bumming. It's kind of a combination of old insecurities rearing their heads, loneliness as far as my singleness, and some deep conversations the last week. Old insecurities like wondering if I am good enough. Are my friends really my friends or do they just keep me around because they pity me or can use me. Not necessarily use use, but like "He's an ok guy and if we are nice to him, he'll let us go watch Game of Thrones at his place since we don't have it." kind of use. Actions being louder than words, I know that isn't true, but I still question those friendships for some reason and I know I shouldn't be.
The Loneliness is something that strikes every so often. I think part of it is lack of availability in my circle. Every girl I hang out with is either in a relationship or into girls. Part of it being I had two friends get engaged in like the last two weeks. One of which is a girl that I kind of like. I've also had two deep conversations the last week. One with an old fling where "What if" came up. The other being with the friend that just got engaged. That was one of the most open and honest conversations I've had in a long, long time and being that intimate with someone, even if not in a physical sense, makes the gap deeper and darker when it's back to status quo.
In happier news, so I don't end on a downer, I went golfing for the first time on Tuesday. I also got a little drunk, which is when the one deep conversation happened. I'll also be going to a party on Sunday and probably getting hammered. At least a little drunk for sure. I do hope to go golfing again. We'll see what happens there. I did have to golf opposite of what my natural swing is, but I was told I did really well for it being my first time. My friend said her dad may have an extra set of lefty clubs though, so next time I might golf in a natural way. Not that it was bad. I got ambidextrous at batting in Little League, so I picked up the swing pretty quick, even if it was my off side.