Apocalypse
I just gave you back all your stuff... stuff I didn't want in my living room anymore after I moved it out of my bedroom.
It was so much easier being mad at you.
now All i want is your cat bag back and your blanket so I could have something to hold that was yours becuase this house feels so empty of your presence all of a sudden now that I want it back.
I have nothing of yours? You never gave me flowers to weep over, never wrote me love letters to re-read. Never bought me clothes or jewlery. I have digital photos and videos and snapchat conversations. I have songs. Songs we used to listen to, or bands you showed me, or songs you sent me.
This is what I am listening to, to try to fill the hole I feel in my heart. It might be making the hole hurt more but I need to wollow in the pain to move on from it.
I thought I was so over you. It was easier when I thought you didn't love me anymore, when I thought you were angery with me and you were just being mean to me.
Now that that has changed, that I felt your sholder again and we talked it out for the first time.... I feel as if I have lost a loved one. Like I am greeving someone I will never get to see again, or rub noses with, or snuggle with again. And in alot of ways that is true. But it feels like a death, not a breakup.
(what do I know.. I thankfully havn't experienced a death of a really close loved one yet)
but my heart hurts.
And I know I went thoguh this with you already.. but that was for different reasons. For the first time in a long time I feel like you loved me... alot. and that is what hurts the most right now. Because (sometimes I really dont know why) but Becuse I fucking loved you so much too. and I know it when I think about the way I feel right now, the way I used to look at you, the way I felt in your arms.... nothing ever felt like that.
But it was too hard for us, at least it was then... we didn't work... and I think that is what is the hardest part here. becuase I am feeling forced to stop loving you... like a death. Becuase it will prob be better for both of us. but right now it just feels like having guts and strings pulled out of my chest.
what did we do to each other. How did we do this?
I wish we got together friday instead of yesterday if I knew it would have gone like that. I would have laid with you longer just inhailing.
I am very glad I made you that box, and I hope you keep it.
You are right, you deserve to be kept some where more special than the other barial ground. but I dont know where that is right now.
I'm so sorry. I hope someone comes and saves you in the way I coudn't or didn't know how.
And I just hope I can love someone else just as much as I loved you, someone who I am better suited for.
they might be on to something with love at first sight.