Turn the page
Perhaps it's time.
Trying to close the door on the past. I've learned from it. I've grown. I'm a little stronger now, and I no longer readily accept blame (mainly from myself and my neurotic mind- which, come to think of it, I think I've gotten under control) for crappy things that happen interpersonally, while understanding when things ARE because of me. There's no need to beat myself up by reading old entries. It's no longer productive and there's nothing new I'm going to glean from doing so. I may just delete this sad tired old thing altogether. Or perhaps everything up until now. Clean slate.
Or maybe there's another journal type web app that is cooler, more comprehensive, more fun to use. As is, Facebook is closer to stream of consciousness or just blurting out what you're thinking. I like it for networking, but it's not as intimate or private as a nice diary. And writing things out to one's self DOES help one deal with stuff, and helps them work out what it is they're thinking or why they feel the way they do. A thing perhaps more of today's people should do.
To possibly start (if I keep this thing): I've fixed my back. I was in pain for years, but after traveling to Germany for surgery, I'm close to pain free. I've started to dream again. I hadn't dreamt in a long time. Used to sleep a lot, but get no rest. I'm out of shape and need to make myself exercise so I can stretch out. I've got my height back, but I'd like to have my strength back, too.
Secondly, my kitty is gone, and there's a neat little paw print shaped hole left in me. She got sick with who-knows-what, and we'll never know. She started taking on fluid, and then losing weight. She had exploratory surgery, which revealed swollen fatty tissue and a fucked up pancreas. Tests all came back negative for anything serious, no cancer, no leukemia. She did have pancreatitis, but that's a condition that can be gotten over, and doesn't cause the fluid buildup. She'd been syringe fed for a while because she wouldn't eat and on IV fluids. She'd eventually had a feeding tube installed in her neck. She got weaker and weaker and her little spirit gave out. We said goodbye to her on the 23rd after about a month and a half of back and forth to the vet and specialists with no real indication of what was wrong.
I miss you, Tuesday. You were the best cat I've ever had, and I doubt I'll find another quite like you.
Even now, I see lots of little reminders of her and it's bittersweet. She should be in my lap right now, purring. But she is not. She should have been begging for the cheese I put in the potatoes for Christmas dinner. But she did not. She should have woken us up this morning mainly to cuddle, but also to have some breakfast first. But she did not.
My poor, sweet girl.
I love you miss you want to just hold your face and kiss your head and tell you how great you are.
*sigh*
Thirdly, an old friend no longer enjoys my company. I think it's sort of sad, at one point she said she thinks we just don't seem to click anymore and that perhaps we've grown apart. I disagreed, because I think we would've still gotten on fine if she would've spent any time with me instead of avoiding me. When I called her out on it, just asking if we're still friends at all (and I tried my damnedest to make sure to be as non-threatening and open to anything she had to say on it) she ignored me. I asked about that because she didn't know anything about the surgery I was to have, despite going on about it for like 6 months or more.
I don't not care about her. And I am hurt. But oh well. All the same, I feel ok about it. I did my best. I grew (something she never seemed to see- somehow she just kept seeing the angry girl from high school) and I know I didn't do anything wrong in just trying to be friends.
Tomorrow will be my first cold weather hike up to Fossil Rock with a buddy. I'm a little nervous. I told him he's not allowed to laugh at how out of shape I am, for I've had years to work on getting this way. I'm more concerned with being in the elements for that long. Will I be warm enough? Will the extra layers make the hike much tougher than it is?
All the same, I could use the fresh air to clear my head. Getting out into nature cleanses my soul a little.
I need to clean my car out so I don't seem like such a slob lol.
I'm sure I've got plenty of things to update with. But for now, I go.
Merry Christmas and all that.
UPDATE: Went on hike. Only embarrassed myself a little at the end. I made sure to complain loudly enough along the way as to seem like I was joking, but really I was dying. Truly, the weight of the pack was fine, my back held up through ALL of it! I'm just out of shape and easily winded and tired lol. Also, we made a fucking FIRE. Something I've never done on Fossil Rock before, as there hasn't been a need: we always go in the summer when it's warm and shit's too dry to be having fires. Lit it with MY SURVIVAL KNIFE. YEAH, PRETTY PROUD OF THAT. I've never started a fire with just a striker before, but it didn't take me long, and now I have a pretty good technique. :)