Slippery Slope
Today, I spoke with a counselor, named Sonya. I didn't like her voice. Then again, I came into it without and open mind + a closed heart. But she gave me some tools to work with. And one being this: journaling. Not sure if I will keep typing it or move onto using a pen and paper - but with the pains in my wrists, I might keep this method, handy. (heh)
Have you ever wondered what your voice sounds like in your head? If you're bilingual, which language do you think in? I always thought I'd be thinking in Spanish - it being my first language, I figured it would be easier. Then I remembered that when I lived in Chile, I was teaching myself to learn English, so my thoughts were always ending up in English.
Thinking in Spanish, I never felt comfortable with. I felt dirty. (No, not in a good way). It always felt wrong, or I'd think of how my mother would say it in her voice, and I'd shut down.
She wasn't a nice woman. I always felt she tread me very mean. I wish my mother was who I am to my kids. I wish she showed me kindness, and unconditional love. Instead, I was never good enough. At anything. It makes my heart break everytime I think about her during my childhood. I just remember being so angry all the time. I don't even remember getting any positive feedback, or if she was ever proud of me. It always felt like I was in her way, like a burden.
(we'll go deep into that another time).
So, my counselor...it was uncomfortable, and awkward at first. I will forever hate that dreaded question they ask: "Tell me about yourself..." As if *I* should know ... I don't know!!!! Most of the times, I don't even know who I am or who I should be. If I'm not mommying, I am completely lost. I have tried to get into my hobbies more, but they always somehow turn into being monetized and then I lose all motivation for it. I get into this creative vibe and then all of a sudden, I lose it. And I feel lost.
I am passionate about many things, but they never feel "enough" - I end up wanting to take in more, and then get overwhelmed, and I drop everything. I mentioned it to Sonya, that it feels like I am trying to fill a void. This feeling of wanting to do it all because it is so fresh, shiny and new, and then it dies. And I go do something else, for that same feeling, and then it's gone. Rinse and repeat....Now what? What else can I do? Then that question pops in: "Am I happy?" 'Does it make me happy?" For a little bit, sure, but then it's gone. I try it. Every day, I try. It's just a constant battle in my head. "Not gonna keep going, I am not good enough" "It isn't worthy or anything". I self loathe, I start hearing this negative voice, bullying me. Pushing me further down, and low. Until it tells me that I don't need to be in this world. How do I get out of it then? I can't leave here. It's just a rut. It's just a phase. I'll get out of it. Just let me sit here. And it goes back and forth.
It's exhausting. It never ends. I just want it to go away. Make the pain stop, make it all stop. The hurting, the disappointment, the doubts. All of it. It could all go away if I just leave. Forever.
But I can't. I can't leave my children.
Some days, I think that maybe they can go on without me. They'll get over it, get past the pain, and the hurting. But what if they are weak like me? I don't want that for them. It's not what I want for my children. I want them to be happy. And for that, *I* have to be happy. I'm working on it. I really am. I want to do better, I am trying. Every day. I am trying.
Have you ever wondered what your voice sounds like in your head? If you're bilingual, which language do you think in? I always thought I'd be thinking in Spanish - it being my first language, I figured it would be easier. Then I remembered that when I lived in Chile, I was teaching myself to learn English, so my thoughts were always ending up in English.
Thinking in Spanish, I never felt comfortable with. I felt dirty. (No, not in a good way). It always felt wrong, or I'd think of how my mother would say it in her voice, and I'd shut down.
She wasn't a nice woman. I always felt she tread me very mean. I wish my mother was who I am to my kids. I wish she showed me kindness, and unconditional love. Instead, I was never good enough. At anything. It makes my heart break everytime I think about her during my childhood. I just remember being so angry all the time. I don't even remember getting any positive feedback, or if she was ever proud of me. It always felt like I was in her way, like a burden.
(we'll go deep into that another time).
So, my counselor...it was uncomfortable, and awkward at first. I will forever hate that dreaded question they ask: "Tell me about yourself..." As if *I* should know ... I don't know!!!! Most of the times, I don't even know who I am or who I should be. If I'm not mommying, I am completely lost. I have tried to get into my hobbies more, but they always somehow turn into being monetized and then I lose all motivation for it. I get into this creative vibe and then all of a sudden, I lose it. And I feel lost.
I am passionate about many things, but they never feel "enough" - I end up wanting to take in more, and then get overwhelmed, and I drop everything. I mentioned it to Sonya, that it feels like I am trying to fill a void. This feeling of wanting to do it all because it is so fresh, shiny and new, and then it dies. And I go do something else, for that same feeling, and then it's gone. Rinse and repeat....Now what? What else can I do? Then that question pops in: "Am I happy?" 'Does it make me happy?" For a little bit, sure, but then it's gone. I try it. Every day, I try. It's just a constant battle in my head. "Not gonna keep going, I am not good enough" "It isn't worthy or anything". I self loathe, I start hearing this negative voice, bullying me. Pushing me further down, and low. Until it tells me that I don't need to be in this world. How do I get out of it then? I can't leave here. It's just a rut. It's just a phase. I'll get out of it. Just let me sit here. And it goes back and forth.
It's exhausting. It never ends. I just want it to go away. Make the pain stop, make it all stop. The hurting, the disappointment, the doubts. All of it. It could all go away if I just leave. Forever.
But I can't. I can't leave my children.
Some days, I think that maybe they can go on without me. They'll get over it, get past the pain, and the hurting. But what if they are weak like me? I don't want that for them. It's not what I want for my children. I want them to be happy. And for that, *I* have to be happy. I'm working on it. I really am. I want to do better, I am trying. Every day. I am trying.