A very good Friday
Today was surprisngly a good day. Especially since Fridays are normally a bit more sad, mainly because the kids go to their dads for the week, and I am left as an empty nester for that time. Minus the toddler, she's stuck with me 24/7, but I am just so used to having a busy house.
Seeing the kids so happy to see their dads, was actually very comforting. It felt okay. A good okay. The encounters were civil and all smiles. There was no resentment or mean streaks. It was genuine and kind. And that made it all better.
Late morning to early afternoon, I had asked Ash to take me to a hike - as for me, it is very therapeutic and needed after a very busy week with 4 kids in the house. It was my self care, and I didn't mind enjoying the company of our toddler, as well as his sister, who I happen to have great chemistry with and love her. I am still shocked that we immediately connected the first time we met. It was like we were friends or sisters in the past and knew how to be around each other without it being awkward.
That hike was a hard one. Uphill one way, a good 2hrs or so. My legs are fatigued. But my heart and soul are happy. I needed that. And I feel like I will be needing it quite frequently. Hopefully weekly, if weather permits, but I'd like to think that the down pour rain of our westcoast wouldn't "damper" my plans to explore our island. There is just too much that I have yet to see and don't plan to stop.
Only a few years ago, I discovered that I loved being in the outdoors, in nature, deep in the forest, climbinb up a mountain etc. It's my calling. My freedom. My time.
I reflect, I wonder, I feel, and I am me.
My toddler chose to watch Frozen 2 today, and I swear to all the goddesses that the character Elsa, and her song "Into the Unknown" - is for me. I reasonates with me so much. The first time I heard, I cried so hard. Not because of her journey in the movie, but because the lyrics were so strong, and every word is what I am going/went through. I want to sing it out loud and I feel like I need to after it hearing it so for long and how it speaks to me. Especially at the part where the mom sings to her, I always cry at that part because I dream and wish that my own mother was that voice. She's the voice I hear - the bad one. The one that tells me I am not enough, I don't do good enough and I am not worth anything. I never felt safe, I never felt loved, cared for or even acknowledged in my childhood and throughout my years as a kid and teenager. I only ever heard her say that I am a good mom, and I think she thinks that's because of her. She's right. I worked hard on NOT becoming the mom she was. I became a MUCH better mom. One that is there for her kids, who shows up, who loves unconditionally and always reminds them that they are extraordinary human beings. I am not my mother, and I am totally and completely okay with that.
I restarting this journaling because I remember it helped me so much before I had my first babe. How jotting down my thoughts and feelings helped getting it out and not holding it in.
When I spoke to my counselor, she said that it is one of the coping mechanism that is beneficial. So here goes. And quite honestly, it is freeing and needed in my life. I am happy that I now have the time to do, or at least *I* make the time to do, and that Ash encourages me to get it done after kids are in bed, to have that time for myself. I am starting to cherish it so much. It's what I helping me keep sane, as much as I can be.
There are moments, where I take a step back and realize how my life has drastically change, for the better. And I had troubles seeing it, I kept sabbotaging it in every way possible because I was conditioning to think otherwise. It's taking me a while to unlearn those habits. Still am. And then I feel an overwhelming gratefulness in my heart, where I just burst into tears and start thinking about who is here, who I love, and loves me back the same way if not more. And the people I have affected.
Sometimes I think if I had this epiphany in my previous marriage, would it have saved it? And now that I type that out, I don't think so. It wasn't about the lack of communication in that marriage. It was a lot more than that. But, that'll be for another day to divulge about.
Right now, I need to focus on bettering myself and my mental health. Which is why I am taking this step and others to help myself. Fuck I love my Ash - he's just goddamn amazing. And I am not saying that through rose coloured glass. I now have this man who really cares and wants to be here, wants to grow with me, learn with me and overall loves me for me, even with all these skeletons in my closet. He has helped me slay a few of my demons already. Something that no one has ever done before, not even a damn counselor. HE DID IT. I still have more, and he knows it, and he's totally okay with it. And here comes that overwhelming feeling of gratitude for him. It still feels so foreign to me, how he loves, how he cares, and how much of it. For me! I always thought that I was never worthy of someone else's love. I never had this before, never felt it. It scares me sometimes, because I dive in so deep, I wear my heart in my sleeve, that I always get terrified of being hurt. And bless his heart, he has reassured me so many times. So, so many times. If it were me, I would've walked away by now. But he's still here, and he reminds me every day that he isn't going anywhere.
And this where I start doubting my self worth. This is where I think "why the hell does he care so much? I am complete mess. Inside and out. A real hot mess. But to him, all of that doesn't matter.
Now I need to learn how to love myself the same way he does for me.