last night between 4:07 and 4:19 am...
...I lie in bed at night with music lying behind me. It fills my ears and head and eases the tension in my neck. Whispered words become a hand that smoothes down my spine and slides around to cup my stomach, then it fades into me and drifts up to hold my heart in a grip that’s just slightly too tight to be comfortable. Songs to go to sleep to become songs to lie awake to, staring out my window at lights still on and across the room at numbers moving me forward in time. For a while I look at a picture. Then I turn over and let my mind wander, yet can’t help following it, though it goes places I wish I could stay out of. In my head I watch scenes that I hope will happen, and some that I wish had not. I can’t get comfortable, in my bed or in my self. My eyes fill with tears, but I hear her voice telling me not to cry, and even though she was talking about something else, I don’t, not tonight.