babies & ChocolATE
i'm having a chocolate binge.
i haven't had one of those in a long time, strangely..
me & johno used to have them when we were stoned (and could afford to buy chocolate at bilo, which usually meant we had found some change in the living room and were either feeling ambitious, or the weather wasn't too cold).
we were stoned every day...and i think it was only the circumstances that prevented us from giving in to our cravings.
it's rabe's chocolate.
at first i thought maybe i would call everyone by a made-up code name, like to protect their privacy?
then i realized if i did that it would be so i could feel like a spy, not to protect anyone.
and who doesn't like feeling like a spy on occasion?
so then i toyed with the possibility of using only the first letter of their name
but there are still a lot of people on the ship (the majority) whose first names i don't know.
and if i used last names, the first person i made reference to would be R
and banana's family calls me 'R' (like in My First Mister)
there's no way i'm letting rabe steal one of my nicknames
i have lots to spare, but i mean they're all special to me
sorry, all of this made a lot more sense in my head
wow, now i'm apologizing to a dot.com audience??
let me know if anyone finds my marbles, as i seem to have misplaced them.
i took my seroquel like 2 hours ago and took a bath to relax
and neither one worked
i just want Him to come home.
He says he's not going to be done until 8:30am, and then guess where he's going?
if you said rabe's, then not only were you right, but it's also creepy that you know that already after reading one and a half max entries
neway
iknowiknowiknow
i know what ur thinking
it's all for the best
right?
i mean it's not like He's going over there to "DO" anything..
He said Himself rabe's a crazy bitch relationship-wise.
then why does it bother me so much that He knows how she is relationship-wise?
they just seem really......close.
Him and her....and i'm jealous.
they confide in each other about things
they have these conversations about..about......
who knows what.
and i just......always feel inferior. i always feel like it's too good to be true, me & Him, and that He'll find someone better.
and i guess i see rabe as "someone better"
it sucks, and it makes me feel sucky, and i hate knowing it's my own damn fault.
it's not like HE'S the one that needs to be kept on a leash.
no, that would be me.
i'm in a torture chamber, and every time i start to feel guilty, the weight gets heavier and cuts deeper into my chest.
i wonder if it ever ends?
i do feel a little better though knowing that the seroquel just kicked in.
i felt that.
i think part of my funk today also is JM.
yes, back to the initials..
i'm inconsistent, i realize this, but there are some names you just don't want to type ever again.
JM and K had their fucking baby.
i can't get pregnant to save my fucking life, whether i'm trying valiantly or trashed and not making protection a priority.
puma called me today out of nowhere, and i asked if the K-child had popped that thing out yet.
that girl is still a baby herself.
what if i can never have kids??
and these fucking assholes accidentally have a baby.
and the worst part is that he's beautiful.
there are pictures on JM's myspace, and i'm nosy.
curiosity may have killed the cat, but at least it didn't make the cat feel bad for having defective woman-organs.
notfairnotfairnotfair.
i have the restless body part thing going on now.
i'm going to listen to it rain and go to bed.
and try to forget that damn baby's face.
he's my ex-husband.
that baby is supposed to be mine.
oh god.
i sound like such a horrible person.
am i?
i'm not really as horrible as i sound, don't worry.
and back to talking to the dot.com audience.
right.
i'm out like a light.
namaste.
Ray
i haven't had one of those in a long time, strangely..
me & johno used to have them when we were stoned (and could afford to buy chocolate at bilo, which usually meant we had found some change in the living room and were either feeling ambitious, or the weather wasn't too cold).
we were stoned every day...and i think it was only the circumstances that prevented us from giving in to our cravings.
it's rabe's chocolate.
at first i thought maybe i would call everyone by a made-up code name, like to protect their privacy?
then i realized if i did that it would be so i could feel like a spy, not to protect anyone.
and who doesn't like feeling like a spy on occasion?
so then i toyed with the possibility of using only the first letter of their name
but there are still a lot of people on the ship (the majority) whose first names i don't know.
and if i used last names, the first person i made reference to would be R
and banana's family calls me 'R' (like in My First Mister)
there's no way i'm letting rabe steal one of my nicknames
i have lots to spare, but i mean they're all special to me
sorry, all of this made a lot more sense in my head
wow, now i'm apologizing to a dot.com audience??
let me know if anyone finds my marbles, as i seem to have misplaced them.
i took my seroquel like 2 hours ago and took a bath to relax
and neither one worked
i just want Him to come home.
He says he's not going to be done until 8:30am, and then guess where he's going?
if you said rabe's, then not only were you right, but it's also creepy that you know that already after reading one and a half max entries
neway
iknowiknowiknow
i know what ur thinking
it's all for the best
right?
i mean it's not like He's going over there to "DO" anything..
He said Himself rabe's a crazy bitch relationship-wise.
then why does it bother me so much that He knows how she is relationship-wise?
they just seem really......close.
Him and her....and i'm jealous.
they confide in each other about things
they have these conversations about..about......
who knows what.
and i just......always feel inferior. i always feel like it's too good to be true, me & Him, and that He'll find someone better.
and i guess i see rabe as "someone better"
it sucks, and it makes me feel sucky, and i hate knowing it's my own damn fault.
it's not like HE'S the one that needs to be kept on a leash.
no, that would be me.
i'm in a torture chamber, and every time i start to feel guilty, the weight gets heavier and cuts deeper into my chest.
i wonder if it ever ends?
i do feel a little better though knowing that the seroquel just kicked in.
i felt that.
i think part of my funk today also is JM.
yes, back to the initials..
i'm inconsistent, i realize this, but there are some names you just don't want to type ever again.
JM and K had their fucking baby.
i can't get pregnant to save my fucking life, whether i'm trying valiantly or trashed and not making protection a priority.
puma called me today out of nowhere, and i asked if the K-child had popped that thing out yet.
that girl is still a baby herself.
what if i can never have kids??
and these fucking assholes accidentally have a baby.
and the worst part is that he's beautiful.
there are pictures on JM's myspace, and i'm nosy.
curiosity may have killed the cat, but at least it didn't make the cat feel bad for having defective woman-organs.
notfairnotfairnotfair.
i have the restless body part thing going on now.
i'm going to listen to it rain and go to bed.
and try to forget that damn baby's face.
he's my ex-husband.
that baby is supposed to be mine.
oh god.
i sound like such a horrible person.
am i?
i'm not really as horrible as i sound, don't worry.
and back to talking to the dot.com audience.
right.
i'm out like a light.
namaste.
Ray