(no subject)
i have lost my marbles!
i am totally serious.
there i could leave it at that but i will keep writing and give a little explanation.
so i went to class. we are there waiting for the teacher and she comes in and while she is walking to sit and turning her phone off she is lecturing us. i found it rather demeaning. anyways she was staring at me for almost the entire lecture and people in the class noticed her staring at me and then they started staring at me. so needless to say i totally lost my train of thought and could not remember anything i was going to say in my presentation. i was so embarrassed. and not the embarrassment that i can explain, i was totally demeaned infront of all my peers. all these people i was trying to make friends with and now don't know how i will face them. then she talked for during half my presentation and nobody knew what the hell she was talking about and she just sort of threw that at me and i had no idea how to continue because i had no idea what she said. and then after class one of the girls came up to me and said, 'you didn't prepare did you? well i think you pulled it off.' that's not fair, i did prepare. i really don't want to go back to school. she totally ruined it for me. and what sucks is that all the same people are in all my classes. so i have to face them all when i go back to school on monday and friday class will be just terrible. i was just starting to make friends to, and now i don't even want to.
then...
this morning, our father called. he never calls us and my sister had already called him this week. our grandmother went in the hospital on monday. she is now doing really really bad. needless to say, when we got off the phone we started looking in fares to go home. it would be insane for me miss 2 weeks of school, especially since i am already behind, but at the same time i don't want to go. and it would be nice to go home and get all the things i left behind. and to help my mom pack up the house since she will be moving before i am planning on going home again. of course i want to see my grandmother before she dies and say good bye. she has been very significant in my life recently and she has meant so much to me these past few years. i really grew close to my grandparents when i lived in arizona. i got to spend a lot of time with them there and i really enjoyed that. it was good for me. we have always been very close to me and seem them an unaccountable and i rarely got to see my other grandparents and i certainly did not get to know them. i really regret that. i also want cecilia to know that she got to spend time with her great grandparents and that they were significant in her life. i don't even know my great grandparents names and i certainly never got to meet them.
i don't know what will happen. my sister is suppose to come down here on friday and she is in a tough situation because if she comes and something happens to our grandmother while she is here she can't change her ticket and go back without buying a new ticket which is so very very expensive.
cecilia has babies prom tomorrow. that is a concert type thing at the opera house where kids learn and experience first hand different music and instruments and stuff. the first one we went to had a belly dancer and that style music and i think tomorrow has a jewish theme(i can't think of the correst term right now-i am not intentionally being offensive) (i think it might start with a k?) whatever tomorrow should be a good day except i have a ton of school work to do so i will probably be up all night which after tonight will make for a very tired me all week.
ahhhh...its nice to get all this out. i haven't done that in a long time.
i forgot one more thing. i think it is time i go back on medication. i am going to make an appointment monday morning. i don't want to but i think it is best. i am really struggling and i miss being happy, don't get me wrong, cecilia brings more joy to me than i could ever conceive but i feel i am failing her.
i am totally serious.
there i could leave it at that but i will keep writing and give a little explanation.
so i went to class. we are there waiting for the teacher and she comes in and while she is walking to sit and turning her phone off she is lecturing us. i found it rather demeaning. anyways she was staring at me for almost the entire lecture and people in the class noticed her staring at me and then they started staring at me. so needless to say i totally lost my train of thought and could not remember anything i was going to say in my presentation. i was so embarrassed. and not the embarrassment that i can explain, i was totally demeaned infront of all my peers. all these people i was trying to make friends with and now don't know how i will face them. then she talked for during half my presentation and nobody knew what the hell she was talking about and she just sort of threw that at me and i had no idea how to continue because i had no idea what she said. and then after class one of the girls came up to me and said, 'you didn't prepare did you? well i think you pulled it off.' that's not fair, i did prepare. i really don't want to go back to school. she totally ruined it for me. and what sucks is that all the same people are in all my classes. so i have to face them all when i go back to school on monday and friday class will be just terrible. i was just starting to make friends to, and now i don't even want to.
then...
this morning, our father called. he never calls us and my sister had already called him this week. our grandmother went in the hospital on monday. she is now doing really really bad. needless to say, when we got off the phone we started looking in fares to go home. it would be insane for me miss 2 weeks of school, especially since i am already behind, but at the same time i don't want to go. and it would be nice to go home and get all the things i left behind. and to help my mom pack up the house since she will be moving before i am planning on going home again. of course i want to see my grandmother before she dies and say good bye. she has been very significant in my life recently and she has meant so much to me these past few years. i really grew close to my grandparents when i lived in arizona. i got to spend a lot of time with them there and i really enjoyed that. it was good for me. we have always been very close to me and seem them an unaccountable and i rarely got to see my other grandparents and i certainly did not get to know them. i really regret that. i also want cecilia to know that she got to spend time with her great grandparents and that they were significant in her life. i don't even know my great grandparents names and i certainly never got to meet them.
i don't know what will happen. my sister is suppose to come down here on friday and she is in a tough situation because if she comes and something happens to our grandmother while she is here she can't change her ticket and go back without buying a new ticket which is so very very expensive.
cecilia has babies prom tomorrow. that is a concert type thing at the opera house where kids learn and experience first hand different music and instruments and stuff. the first one we went to had a belly dancer and that style music and i think tomorrow has a jewish theme(i can't think of the correst term right now-i am not intentionally being offensive) (i think it might start with a k?) whatever tomorrow should be a good day except i have a ton of school work to do so i will probably be up all night which after tonight will make for a very tired me all week.
ahhhh...its nice to get all this out. i haven't done that in a long time.
i forgot one more thing. i think it is time i go back on medication. i am going to make an appointment monday morning. i don't want to but i think it is best. i am really struggling and i miss being happy, don't get me wrong, cecilia brings more joy to me than i could ever conceive but i feel i am failing her.