I don't fucking get it
I'm upset, and this bothers me. Under a cut because it's minorly long, and not a fun piece to read.
Katie,
I'm upset...and I'm angry with you. I'm angry because your so close, so fucking close, and your choosing to give up. Your throwing in the towel when you have, what, two quarters left? Three tops? You started going to school 3 months after me. We've been in college for the same amount of time and you'd be finished by the end of this year. And myself? I'm not even half way through my associates degree. My associates. I want my bachelors, how long do you think that will take me? I have another three years to go. Three Fucking years I've been in school, and I have three more to get what I want. And you? Three months? I've been doing this longer and your practically there. And your giving up. WHAT. THE. FUCK. This upsets me in a way I don't think you understand. Your quitting and going home, because you can't take the stress anymore? Because you can't balance a job, and school and social life full time? Have you considered not staying up til 3am playing D&D or Aeon, or just bullshitting with people? Have you considered just doing your work instead of avoiding it? And you wonder why you've been on probation three times? Most of what you pay for school is out of pocket. I get it, that's tough. But $1,000 for a full load of classes for one quarter? Wouldn't that be nice. That doesn't even pay for one full class for me. I can only take two at most, my financial aid doesn't cover for more than that in a quarter. That's why it's taking me so long. I should have what I want by now, I should have my degree or be within reach of it, just like you. You have what I want, your in the place I want to be and what are you doing? Fucking pissing it out the god damned window? Yes I'm upset with you. Yes I'm angry. I know your manic depressive. I know you suffer from serious ups and downs, but I also know you don't do anything to try and stop it, to try and help yourself. The people around you can only do so much. You have to do the rest. But your apparently not willing to. You don't want to be alone? And you think your going to find what your looking for with your parents? Your almost fucking 22 years old. They can't hold your hand forever, they can't make everything in your life better or make it make more sense. Running to them won't help you. Leaving when your almost there won't help you. It will only hinder you in the long run. But that's right, you like things now. Now, now, now. You've caught me the few times I've fallen, And I've caught you every time I had the ability to. But you fall so often I've lost track of what to do. I can't yell at my friends for when life happens to them. People forget shit, things just bog them down and they let things slip. That's why when the electric bill didn't get paid I wasn't overly upset. Not even after it went passed 30 days and then it hit my credit report negatively. Life happens and I understand. So I can't make myself get angry with you. I got up[set with you when I found out that, not only had it not been fully paid two months later, but you were buying cosplay shit for an upcoming con....for someone else. But I didn't get angry with you. Money is money. More will eventually come along and balance itself out. I was upset, but not angry. But you quitting. That angers me. It angers me because I'm jealous. I want to be done. I've worked so fucking hard and haven't gotten very far. Three years and half of a associates degree completed. I must look like a fucking joke to my school. I've seen many peers start, and finish in the time I've been here. I've been angry with school. I've been upset with it. I even called my mom once. I broke down over the phone. I've always been hot headed and a bit emotional, but I've always been strong. So when I called her that day, she didn't know what to do. Her tough little girl was in pieces to the point of needing to call mommy. Thats how bad it's gotten for me. But I'm still fucking here. Packing up and leaving has crossed my mind. Going back home and getting some cheap ass degree from UAA has flitted through my head more than once. I wouldn't pay rent at moms if I was going to school. I wouldn't pay for food. I'd most likely walk to where ever I was going so I wouldn't need a car. FUCK. That would be so simple. but I've been doing this too long. When you leave I'm going to have find a new apartment. Find a new roommate, because if it were just me and Lance, I'd kill him. Might look at finding a new job. But I can't walk away, because I want it that badly. I want what your so close to having but you just can't give up that social life that, funnily enough, you won't have if you go back home. This has me in tears, I hope you know. I'm upset to the point of crying about it. I can't believe your making this choice. I honestly can't fathom why.
Katie,
I'm upset...and I'm angry with you. I'm angry because your so close, so fucking close, and your choosing to give up. Your throwing in the towel when you have, what, two quarters left? Three tops? You started going to school 3 months after me. We've been in college for the same amount of time and you'd be finished by the end of this year. And myself? I'm not even half way through my associates degree. My associates. I want my bachelors, how long do you think that will take me? I have another three years to go. Three Fucking years I've been in school, and I have three more to get what I want. And you? Three months? I've been doing this longer and your practically there. And your giving up. WHAT. THE. FUCK. This upsets me in a way I don't think you understand. Your quitting and going home, because you can't take the stress anymore? Because you can't balance a job, and school and social life full time? Have you considered not staying up til 3am playing D&D or Aeon, or just bullshitting with people? Have you considered just doing your work instead of avoiding it? And you wonder why you've been on probation three times? Most of what you pay for school is out of pocket. I get it, that's tough. But $1,000 for a full load of classes for one quarter? Wouldn't that be nice. That doesn't even pay for one full class for me. I can only take two at most, my financial aid doesn't cover for more than that in a quarter. That's why it's taking me so long. I should have what I want by now, I should have my degree or be within reach of it, just like you. You have what I want, your in the place I want to be and what are you doing? Fucking pissing it out the god damned window? Yes I'm upset with you. Yes I'm angry. I know your manic depressive. I know you suffer from serious ups and downs, but I also know you don't do anything to try and stop it, to try and help yourself. The people around you can only do so much. You have to do the rest. But your apparently not willing to. You don't want to be alone? And you think your going to find what your looking for with your parents? Your almost fucking 22 years old. They can't hold your hand forever, they can't make everything in your life better or make it make more sense. Running to them won't help you. Leaving when your almost there won't help you. It will only hinder you in the long run. But that's right, you like things now. Now, now, now. You've caught me the few times I've fallen, And I've caught you every time I had the ability to. But you fall so often I've lost track of what to do. I can't yell at my friends for when life happens to them. People forget shit, things just bog them down and they let things slip. That's why when the electric bill didn't get paid I wasn't overly upset. Not even after it went passed 30 days and then it hit my credit report negatively. Life happens and I understand. So I can't make myself get angry with you. I got up[set with you when I found out that, not only had it not been fully paid two months later, but you were buying cosplay shit for an upcoming con....for someone else. But I didn't get angry with you. Money is money. More will eventually come along and balance itself out. I was upset, but not angry. But you quitting. That angers me. It angers me because I'm jealous. I want to be done. I've worked so fucking hard and haven't gotten very far. Three years and half of a associates degree completed. I must look like a fucking joke to my school. I've seen many peers start, and finish in the time I've been here. I've been angry with school. I've been upset with it. I even called my mom once. I broke down over the phone. I've always been hot headed and a bit emotional, but I've always been strong. So when I called her that day, she didn't know what to do. Her tough little girl was in pieces to the point of needing to call mommy. Thats how bad it's gotten for me. But I'm still fucking here. Packing up and leaving has crossed my mind. Going back home and getting some cheap ass degree from UAA has flitted through my head more than once. I wouldn't pay rent at moms if I was going to school. I wouldn't pay for food. I'd most likely walk to where ever I was going so I wouldn't need a car. FUCK. That would be so simple. but I've been doing this too long. When you leave I'm going to have find a new apartment. Find a new roommate, because if it were just me and Lance, I'd kill him. Might look at finding a new job. But I can't walk away, because I want it that badly. I want what your so close to having but you just can't give up that social life that, funnily enough, you won't have if you go back home. This has me in tears, I hope you know. I'm upset to the point of crying about it. I can't believe your making this choice. I honestly can't fathom why.