I know what I want
Well I've returned from my lovely vacation. It's always so hard to part company with Kani, I love him so much. For those that don't know I was up at his parents place in Santa Monica, where Synge had also taken shelter from some nasty stuff in his life. Xmas was quite nice, I got the one gift I was hoping for from his parents, which we got last time, a gift certificate for See's Candies for a one pound box of goodies.
While I was visiting we ended up going on a hike, visiting the beach, watched Chronicles of Narnia which is awesome, and just tonight I took his parents out to dinner and then went to the Museum of Contemporary art. They had all kinds of neat things, but Kani and I agreed the best was this room where they had lines and rows of green lights set up in a cubic pattern, called the Matrix room.
We got back late, barely time to snug Kani before I had to pack up and go. Sad yeah, but I had a purr vacation. It's always hard to leave him, be it when he leaves from visiting me over the weekend and I return to my extra empty room, or leaving from his parents place to return to my empty room. On my way home I had plenty of time to think. I know what I want...yes...through out all of my life I have had so many hard times deciding things thanks to my dual nature, but there have been precious few, when I knew for sure I wanted something, deep inside without any conflict what so ever. Lately a few more have cropped up thanks to some events, but no one, not even Kani, knows all of what I want, and no one will know.
Different thoughts crept up, some turned to Kani's upcoming vacation. He's flying out to see his girlfriend Rianith, and I know some of the things he wants to do. A part of me wants to be there and watch as he makes love to her, to see that look of adoration and passion in his eyes, to in some small way experience that through them...through her...not from jealousy, but just...wanting to know what it feels like. I have never had a male look at me with deep loving eyes, never been touched and caressed in such ways as to drive me wild, never made love as a female save a few rare times online. It will be 2.5-3 years before I can be taken as a female, and even then I may not have a dragon to do those things to me. My own stupid past haunts me now, preventing, or at least, helping to prevent that kind of deep connection between Kani and myself. That kind of deep, loving intimacy is something I more than just desire, I need it. It doesn't have to be with a person in particular, just someone whom I love and feel close to, and vice versa, but I'm not close to very many...very few in fact. Every day that need is there, weighing on my heart, somedays it's just a feather, while others it's an 18 wheeler filled with concrete.
I'm not letting it get me down, I'm trying not to let anything get me down. Before I left on my vacation I had a talk with Kani, and it was an eye opener. He noticed how I tend to retreat into my shell, as he called it, being defensive, whatever, and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Years of verbal abuse and mind warping thanks to my parents. I could feel something different as I came to the realization at just how often I put my defenses up, so with a day of contemplation I promised myself to not go back in despite feeling scared and vulnerable, to stay out, to fully change, as corny as that sounds. I think that while I didn't completely fix everything, I took a major step and changed a lot, but still more to go. Kani suggested I self analyze with my journal, and if nothing else I'm getting my thoughts and feelings down so I can look at them tomorrow with a fresh mind. I'm dead tired as it is.
Yes, I know what I want, and I know I have a long road ahead of me to get myself set, happy and content, to finish my transformation.
While I was visiting we ended up going on a hike, visiting the beach, watched Chronicles of Narnia which is awesome, and just tonight I took his parents out to dinner and then went to the Museum of Contemporary art. They had all kinds of neat things, but Kani and I agreed the best was this room where they had lines and rows of green lights set up in a cubic pattern, called the Matrix room.
We got back late, barely time to snug Kani before I had to pack up and go. Sad yeah, but I had a purr vacation. It's always hard to leave him, be it when he leaves from visiting me over the weekend and I return to my extra empty room, or leaving from his parents place to return to my empty room. On my way home I had plenty of time to think. I know what I want...yes...through out all of my life I have had so many hard times deciding things thanks to my dual nature, but there have been precious few, when I knew for sure I wanted something, deep inside without any conflict what so ever. Lately a few more have cropped up thanks to some events, but no one, not even Kani, knows all of what I want, and no one will know.
Different thoughts crept up, some turned to Kani's upcoming vacation. He's flying out to see his girlfriend Rianith, and I know some of the things he wants to do. A part of me wants to be there and watch as he makes love to her, to see that look of adoration and passion in his eyes, to in some small way experience that through them...through her...not from jealousy, but just...wanting to know what it feels like. I have never had a male look at me with deep loving eyes, never been touched and caressed in such ways as to drive me wild, never made love as a female save a few rare times online. It will be 2.5-3 years before I can be taken as a female, and even then I may not have a dragon to do those things to me. My own stupid past haunts me now, preventing, or at least, helping to prevent that kind of deep connection between Kani and myself. That kind of deep, loving intimacy is something I more than just desire, I need it. It doesn't have to be with a person in particular, just someone whom I love and feel close to, and vice versa, but I'm not close to very many...very few in fact. Every day that need is there, weighing on my heart, somedays it's just a feather, while others it's an 18 wheeler filled with concrete.
I'm not letting it get me down, I'm trying not to let anything get me down. Before I left on my vacation I had a talk with Kani, and it was an eye opener. He noticed how I tend to retreat into my shell, as he called it, being defensive, whatever, and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Years of verbal abuse and mind warping thanks to my parents. I could feel something different as I came to the realization at just how often I put my defenses up, so with a day of contemplation I promised myself to not go back in despite feeling scared and vulnerable, to stay out, to fully change, as corny as that sounds. I think that while I didn't completely fix everything, I took a major step and changed a lot, but still more to go. Kani suggested I self analyze with my journal, and if nothing else I'm getting my thoughts and feelings down so I can look at them tomorrow with a fresh mind. I'm dead tired as it is.
Yes, I know what I want, and I know I have a long road ahead of me to get myself set, happy and content, to finish my transformation.