Hearts are to frail for my taste
Love sucks. Ill say it now and mean it 100%. It does nothing but make you yern for something that you cant possibly obtain, and make you come back for it, at least with me ;_;
About 4 months ago, there was a girl that started working at McDonalds with me. Her name was Deiona, or Deedee, as she likes to be called. But Im a manager there, and they had asked me to train her. Now, to start with, shes black. Im not racist, but I live in an area where most people are, and Im not sure what people think of blacks around here, but I just view them as human, just like we all are.
Anyways, I trained her, and she seemed like a great person, I really liked her. She was smart, calm when she needed to be, funny when it was given the opitunity, and quite good looking to boot, I fell for her. But because of my position at work, I downed any thoughts of trying to get together with her. But, apparently one of the other workers there decided that it would be a good idea to convince Deedee to "come onto me" as a joke. And, well, she did. At first, it was all play, she was having fun, I would get imbarassed and not know how to "conceal" myself in a public restaraunt O.o
Anyways, one thing led to another, and eventually, she asked me to hang out with her, since she is from a town about 100 miles away, and she knew almost no one. At first, I didnt, because of my job. But eventually, the temptation of being able to have someone that I cared about, and having someone with the same feelings for me, gave me the idea to go ahead. So I did. We exchanged numbers, we talked, I grew even closer, while she possibly did the same, Im still unsure. Eventually, she asked me to come to her apartment to hang out on her college campas. Im still in high school, so this kinda blew my mind, and I didnt for about a week. But once again, I gave in. I went, we watched "Cellular" (decent movie, but the focus of it was kinda scewed :/). The whole time I was there, we cuddled, we hugged, we kissed, she would get on me, and I the same. It was an experience that Ill never forget, as it was like nothing Iv ever done. About 10:15 came, and I needed to leave to make it home by my 11:00 curfue. But she refused. She didnt want me to go. She even got to the point of getting on top of me, pushing down as hard as she could with her pelvis area, and saying that she would do anything to keep me there. I was tempted, tempted pretty damn hard. But my parents are strict fucks, and they woulda been pissed if I called and said I wasnt coming home (infact, they've told me that if I stay out like that, I might as well NOT come home, as it wont be a home for me). So I had to pass her up, and she was disappointed to say the least, as was I. We continued to see each other like that for about a week, with the activites increasing with each visit, no need to go into details, as any one could guess what happened. The one thing that worried me this whole time, was how someone kept calling her, and she would dismiss it as "no one".
After things esculated, and I started asking her about our relationship, she told me who this "no one" was. It was her ex. She had been going with him for 2 1/2 years, and had broken up with him 3 weeks before the whole "come onto the manager" thing. I was shocked. I had no idea. It worried me some, but I dismissed it, as everyone has that ex that wants to still be your friend, but he wasnt like this. She explained to me that he was posesive, that he didnt want to lose her, even though he had treated her bad, lied to her multiple times, physicly hit her at least 3 times that I know of, choked her, bought her ALMOST nothing (except for a rabbit stuffed animal that she charishes), and paid her little attention while they were together. This worried me, as I thought he was a fucking crazy ass that would come after me or her, but I was wrong. She explained further that no matter what she did, she couldnt forget the feelings they had, and that even if she went with me, that she would probably end up hurting me, and going back to him. Now, Im left here, almost mind numbingly confused at what Im hearing. The woman that I have spent nearly a month, enjoying my time, spending money on her, driving an hour out of my way to see, getting parking tickets because her college's parking is so fucked, and many other things, are just out the window. I felt empty, I didnt want to exist. I enjoyed my time with her to much. The crazy bitch that I HAD for a girl friend of 3 years before Deedee put me through enough pain, that I didnt want any more. I had been afraid of committing to another girl, and here I was, starring down the exact same lane. Pain. Hurt. Sorrow. I didnt want to believe it, or be part of it. Iv tried to make her understand that I care for her (Im trying to forbid the word "love" because of a promise she wanted me to make, which was "Promise me you wont fall in love with me,"). Iv explained to her, that at this point, my job, my activites, and hell, even my very being, dont matter to me, only her. And she always tells me that Im so sweet, and that she wants to try and go with me, but she cant. So, Im left here, looking at her name at this VERY minute on YIM, wondering why I cant have her. Why do I have to agree to these terms? Why must I let go what I care for? Am I not allowed such feelings, or maybe its "god's" cruel way of saying "Ha bitch, Ill get you~". Who knows.
The promise that she kept asking me to make, I couldnt keep. Hell, I laughed at it when she told me it. I couldnt believe such words would come from someone that I already cared for. So I never agreed to her terms, I just went forward with our relationship, or at least what I thought was a relationship.
Anyways, on Thursday of last week, her ex came up for his Spring Break (OMG was I pissed, because my Spring Break is the EXACT same fucking week -_-). So now, she has forbidden me to call her, text her, IM her, or anything, because she doesnt want to make her ex mad. And I dont blame her. I would want to keep the peace if at all possible, and Iv complied with it as much as I could. To the point that Iv cried myself to sleep, that her smile, her face, is the only thing on my mind. WTF am I surposed to do with these feelings that she has created within me? I cant ignore them, its not possible, its inhuman. Just as the same, I feel that what she is doing is inhuman, but what can I do? Iv talked with many people about this, and the end-all conclusion that Iv gotten is either "Get out of it now before you get hurt more," or "Stick with it, but dont pressure her. If her boy friend is really like that, then she will get away from him, and possibly give you a chance, as long as you've stuck by her, been there for her, and been a friend." I dont like either. Fuck em. I want to have her now. I want her in my arms, I want her to smile at me, I want her to feel me. I want to be able to feel her heart, but I cant, and Im not sure if I ever will again, since she will be leaving for home in a month once her college lets out for the Summer. Then her ex is going to her college, also the same college that Im going to. Im just confused, and I surpose that I needed to vent. Not sure who is going to read this, and who knows, depending on how this goes, I might even show this to her someday, just to show her how I felt (and hell, half of the feelings that I have arent even on here).
To my friends.
Not sure if any of you guys knew about this other then Diamond and Midgie, but meh, read and laugh.
About 4 months ago, there was a girl that started working at McDonalds with me. Her name was Deiona, or Deedee, as she likes to be called. But Im a manager there, and they had asked me to train her. Now, to start with, shes black. Im not racist, but I live in an area where most people are, and Im not sure what people think of blacks around here, but I just view them as human, just like we all are.
Anyways, I trained her, and she seemed like a great person, I really liked her. She was smart, calm when she needed to be, funny when it was given the opitunity, and quite good looking to boot, I fell for her. But because of my position at work, I downed any thoughts of trying to get together with her. But, apparently one of the other workers there decided that it would be a good idea to convince Deedee to "come onto me" as a joke. And, well, she did. At first, it was all play, she was having fun, I would get imbarassed and not know how to "conceal" myself in a public restaraunt O.o
Anyways, one thing led to another, and eventually, she asked me to hang out with her, since she is from a town about 100 miles away, and she knew almost no one. At first, I didnt, because of my job. But eventually, the temptation of being able to have someone that I cared about, and having someone with the same feelings for me, gave me the idea to go ahead. So I did. We exchanged numbers, we talked, I grew even closer, while she possibly did the same, Im still unsure. Eventually, she asked me to come to her apartment to hang out on her college campas. Im still in high school, so this kinda blew my mind, and I didnt for about a week. But once again, I gave in. I went, we watched "Cellular" (decent movie, but the focus of it was kinda scewed :/). The whole time I was there, we cuddled, we hugged, we kissed, she would get on me, and I the same. It was an experience that Ill never forget, as it was like nothing Iv ever done. About 10:15 came, and I needed to leave to make it home by my 11:00 curfue. But she refused. She didnt want me to go. She even got to the point of getting on top of me, pushing down as hard as she could with her pelvis area, and saying that she would do anything to keep me there. I was tempted, tempted pretty damn hard. But my parents are strict fucks, and they woulda been pissed if I called and said I wasnt coming home (infact, they've told me that if I stay out like that, I might as well NOT come home, as it wont be a home for me). So I had to pass her up, and she was disappointed to say the least, as was I. We continued to see each other like that for about a week, with the activites increasing with each visit, no need to go into details, as any one could guess what happened. The one thing that worried me this whole time, was how someone kept calling her, and she would dismiss it as "no one".
After things esculated, and I started asking her about our relationship, she told me who this "no one" was. It was her ex. She had been going with him for 2 1/2 years, and had broken up with him 3 weeks before the whole "come onto the manager" thing. I was shocked. I had no idea. It worried me some, but I dismissed it, as everyone has that ex that wants to still be your friend, but he wasnt like this. She explained to me that he was posesive, that he didnt want to lose her, even though he had treated her bad, lied to her multiple times, physicly hit her at least 3 times that I know of, choked her, bought her ALMOST nothing (except for a rabbit stuffed animal that she charishes), and paid her little attention while they were together. This worried me, as I thought he was a fucking crazy ass that would come after me or her, but I was wrong. She explained further that no matter what she did, she couldnt forget the feelings they had, and that even if she went with me, that she would probably end up hurting me, and going back to him. Now, Im left here, almost mind numbingly confused at what Im hearing. The woman that I have spent nearly a month, enjoying my time, spending money on her, driving an hour out of my way to see, getting parking tickets because her college's parking is so fucked, and many other things, are just out the window. I felt empty, I didnt want to exist. I enjoyed my time with her to much. The crazy bitch that I HAD for a girl friend of 3 years before Deedee put me through enough pain, that I didnt want any more. I had been afraid of committing to another girl, and here I was, starring down the exact same lane. Pain. Hurt. Sorrow. I didnt want to believe it, or be part of it. Iv tried to make her understand that I care for her (Im trying to forbid the word "love" because of a promise she wanted me to make, which was "Promise me you wont fall in love with me,"). Iv explained to her, that at this point, my job, my activites, and hell, even my very being, dont matter to me, only her. And she always tells me that Im so sweet, and that she wants to try and go with me, but she cant. So, Im left here, looking at her name at this VERY minute on YIM, wondering why I cant have her. Why do I have to agree to these terms? Why must I let go what I care for? Am I not allowed such feelings, or maybe its "god's" cruel way of saying "Ha bitch, Ill get you~". Who knows.
The promise that she kept asking me to make, I couldnt keep. Hell, I laughed at it when she told me it. I couldnt believe such words would come from someone that I already cared for. So I never agreed to her terms, I just went forward with our relationship, or at least what I thought was a relationship.
Anyways, on Thursday of last week, her ex came up for his Spring Break (OMG was I pissed, because my Spring Break is the EXACT same fucking week -_-). So now, she has forbidden me to call her, text her, IM her, or anything, because she doesnt want to make her ex mad. And I dont blame her. I would want to keep the peace if at all possible, and Iv complied with it as much as I could. To the point that Iv cried myself to sleep, that her smile, her face, is the only thing on my mind. WTF am I surposed to do with these feelings that she has created within me? I cant ignore them, its not possible, its inhuman. Just as the same, I feel that what she is doing is inhuman, but what can I do? Iv talked with many people about this, and the end-all conclusion that Iv gotten is either "Get out of it now before you get hurt more," or "Stick with it, but dont pressure her. If her boy friend is really like that, then she will get away from him, and possibly give you a chance, as long as you've stuck by her, been there for her, and been a friend." I dont like either. Fuck em. I want to have her now. I want her in my arms, I want her to smile at me, I want her to feel me. I want to be able to feel her heart, but I cant, and Im not sure if I ever will again, since she will be leaving for home in a month once her college lets out for the Summer. Then her ex is going to her college, also the same college that Im going to. Im just confused, and I surpose that I needed to vent. Not sure who is going to read this, and who knows, depending on how this goes, I might even show this to her someday, just to show her how I felt (and hell, half of the feelings that I have arent even on here).
To my friends.
Not sure if any of you guys knew about this other then Diamond and Midgie, but meh, read and laugh.