(no subject)
Fucking worst day I've had since all this started. Thoughts so dark I can hardly find my way through stuff. Laid out ideas to pursue the darkness I've thought of pursuing before. How to get started, how to disappear, what I will do to keep 'safe,' how I will maintain contact with the only people I plan to have contact with. Sure, I suppose it will be a douche move of me to leave everyone hanging again, but honestly who wants to deal with a soul so broken and black that they -want- to follow the path I've seen before me? Besides that, I suppose this is the darker side of being taught to be self-dependent. In the end, the only one we are supposed to please is ourselves, or so they say. Guess it makes sense when you lose the things that hold you together. Then, all you have is your own twisted path.
To this day I can't understand why people strive to leave something behind in this world. Why they continue to plod onwards from day to day to day... I've made my reason for existing the persons (intentionally chose that word) around me because I can't figure out anything else worth living for. This reality disgusts me so much. Sure, I hide it and play along with what everyone says, but really? Look at what we do to everything out there. I'm just glad that our race will likely never make it off this planet. No need to spread the plague that is Humanity any further than it has already reached... I -hate- people. Persons... I can handle them most of the time.
Maybe it's just because this is the first Valentine's Day without her in my arms or talking to me. It has sent me to some dark, dark places. I am fighting hard against the self-defense mechanisms I've developed. Trying so hard to keep my heart open... I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. Every time a hard day like this comes along, I feel things inside dying a little more as that part of me that has gotten me through so much shit tries to carve out the pain and all that causes it. I know that it would be so easy to give in and let everything I feel die again, but I'm fighting back this time. Someone is finally worth the effort, but I don't know how long I can keep up the battle... I'm fading away even before I learn to breathe.
To this day I can't understand why people strive to leave something behind in this world. Why they continue to plod onwards from day to day to day... I've made my reason for existing the persons (intentionally chose that word) around me because I can't figure out anything else worth living for. This reality disgusts me so much. Sure, I hide it and play along with what everyone says, but really? Look at what we do to everything out there. I'm just glad that our race will likely never make it off this planet. No need to spread the plague that is Humanity any further than it has already reached... I -hate- people. Persons... I can handle them most of the time.
Maybe it's just because this is the first Valentine's Day without her in my arms or talking to me. It has sent me to some dark, dark places. I am fighting hard against the self-defense mechanisms I've developed. Trying so hard to keep my heart open... I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. Every time a hard day like this comes along, I feel things inside dying a little more as that part of me that has gotten me through so much shit tries to carve out the pain and all that causes it. I know that it would be so easy to give in and let everything I feel die again, but I'm fighting back this time. Someone is finally worth the effort, but I don't know how long I can keep up the battle... I'm fading away even before I learn to breathe.