(no subject)
I don't know if I can hold out any longer. I feel like the stain on the bottom of Life's shoe, ground into the dirt endlessly for some twisted amusement of the cosmos. I haven't really done a summary of what's going on in my life recently, so here goes.
I haven't seen my daughter in several years. Every time I try to be congenial and work with her mother, I either get ignored or put off. If she agrees to a time and date, she comes up with excuses as to why it can't happen later on. I fucking hate the woman. At this point, I am not even sure it would be good to try to re-enter my daughter's life. She's lived so long without me, I don't know if she would even want to see me.
I've spent the last few years in a relationship with a woman whom I never intended to. She wrapped herself around my heart without my ever noticing, and became such an integral part of my life that I can't stand the thought of not seeing her in it less. She's leaving, though. I can feel it every day, the distance growing between us even as we get to know each other again. It's like her soul is there when she is, but the moment she leaves her energy, her essence, her thoughts go elsewhere. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a failure in so many ways, and all I have is difficulty, struggle and hardship to offer her. I don't blame her for wanting something better than what I can offer, something better than me. It just hurts. It hurts like a dagger in the gut, twisting up my insides. I'm tired of being on the verge of tears day in and day out. I feel like I've failed her completely.
I've been trying to understand where I am lacking, what I need to improve to make her happy... But she doesn't know how to tell me, or she doesn't want to tell me because she is afraid it will hurt me. I know she is still holding a few things back because of her desire not to cause pain. Yet, the person whom she is currently dating has everything she could want. He makes her laugh, he makes her think, he gets her to talk, he takes her out to parties and has people over all the time. He is, apparently, a better dominant than I am. I don't even know what I can offer that even starts to make a dent in that.
Yes. I am seriously depressed. I've been slowly reaching this point for almost a year. From things falling apart in the relationship, to stagnation in the job, to lack of the means to achieve what few things I -do- want to achieve. Frankly, I just want to stop feeling anything sometimes. Not all the time, but more often lately. Go entirely numb so I don't have to be a burden to others. I'll just make my way through the days... one foot in front of the other. Hah... I can't believe I am actually saying this, but I've seriously thought about just ending it. I don't think I will, but I have plans for if I ever do.
Anyways. I stopped chasing Leah, and I have finally just stopped caring if she responds or not. She's left me in the cold so many times I lost track. She was a wonderful spirit, but she treated me poorly and it's apparent that whatever feelings there were were one-sided. I had to choose between two women though... One has said that they want nothing more than my happiness, and would do anything for it. I don't know if I believe those sort of things anymore... Nobody can bring another happiness. Most people can hardly bring -themselves- happiness. I used to be able to, I thought. Maybe it was all in my head.
I'm stuck in my mom's place, and if it wasn't for the desire to bring people over to hang out I would rather be out on the streets. I know she means well, and I am grateful for the assistance, but I hate being around these people. Maybe it's just me, but I don't really care anymore.
So I'm trying to find that reason to keep going, trying to rediscover why I'm even pushing onwards through all these days. Maybe it's just the shock of being faced with the idea of losing a person I hold dear, maybe it's the shock of thinking of having a presence that was always there ripped out of my life. I really don't know anymore. I do know, though, that I have a bottle of vodka here and hopefully some orange juice or soda upstairs, and I am either going to bawl my eyes out or try and reach a fuck-it-all state. I'm hoping for the latter, because the first has occurred far too often lately.
This poem is once again applying to my life...
No matter how I try to be okay
Tomorrow's just another day.
Lost to limits I want to lose
Mental hopes I must abuse
Fallen into final despair
I begun to cease to care.
Driven deeper than I've ever been
Thicker and thicker the false skin
I want to push it all away again
But I begin to hope I don't think I can.
No matter how I try to be okay
Tomorrow's just another day.
I actually find myself kind of hoping that I will get that thick skin back... I don't know if I believe in hope anymore.
I haven't seen my daughter in several years. Every time I try to be congenial and work with her mother, I either get ignored or put off. If she agrees to a time and date, she comes up with excuses as to why it can't happen later on. I fucking hate the woman. At this point, I am not even sure it would be good to try to re-enter my daughter's life. She's lived so long without me, I don't know if she would even want to see me.
I've spent the last few years in a relationship with a woman whom I never intended to. She wrapped herself around my heart without my ever noticing, and became such an integral part of my life that I can't stand the thought of not seeing her in it less. She's leaving, though. I can feel it every day, the distance growing between us even as we get to know each other again. It's like her soul is there when she is, but the moment she leaves her energy, her essence, her thoughts go elsewhere. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a failure in so many ways, and all I have is difficulty, struggle and hardship to offer her. I don't blame her for wanting something better than what I can offer, something better than me. It just hurts. It hurts like a dagger in the gut, twisting up my insides. I'm tired of being on the verge of tears day in and day out. I feel like I've failed her completely.
I've been trying to understand where I am lacking, what I need to improve to make her happy... But she doesn't know how to tell me, or she doesn't want to tell me because she is afraid it will hurt me. I know she is still holding a few things back because of her desire not to cause pain. Yet, the person whom she is currently dating has everything she could want. He makes her laugh, he makes her think, he gets her to talk, he takes her out to parties and has people over all the time. He is, apparently, a better dominant than I am. I don't even know what I can offer that even starts to make a dent in that.
Yes. I am seriously depressed. I've been slowly reaching this point for almost a year. From things falling apart in the relationship, to stagnation in the job, to lack of the means to achieve what few things I -do- want to achieve. Frankly, I just want to stop feeling anything sometimes. Not all the time, but more often lately. Go entirely numb so I don't have to be a burden to others. I'll just make my way through the days... one foot in front of the other. Hah... I can't believe I am actually saying this, but I've seriously thought about just ending it. I don't think I will, but I have plans for if I ever do.
Anyways. I stopped chasing Leah, and I have finally just stopped caring if she responds or not. She's left me in the cold so many times I lost track. She was a wonderful spirit, but she treated me poorly and it's apparent that whatever feelings there were were one-sided. I had to choose between two women though... One has said that they want nothing more than my happiness, and would do anything for it. I don't know if I believe those sort of things anymore... Nobody can bring another happiness. Most people can hardly bring -themselves- happiness. I used to be able to, I thought. Maybe it was all in my head.
I'm stuck in my mom's place, and if it wasn't for the desire to bring people over to hang out I would rather be out on the streets. I know she means well, and I am grateful for the assistance, but I hate being around these people. Maybe it's just me, but I don't really care anymore.
So I'm trying to find that reason to keep going, trying to rediscover why I'm even pushing onwards through all these days. Maybe it's just the shock of being faced with the idea of losing a person I hold dear, maybe it's the shock of thinking of having a presence that was always there ripped out of my life. I really don't know anymore. I do know, though, that I have a bottle of vodka here and hopefully some orange juice or soda upstairs, and I am either going to bawl my eyes out or try and reach a fuck-it-all state. I'm hoping for the latter, because the first has occurred far too often lately.
This poem is once again applying to my life...
No matter how I try to be okay
Tomorrow's just another day.
Lost to limits I want to lose
Mental hopes I must abuse
Fallen into final despair
I begun to cease to care.
Driven deeper than I've ever been
Thicker and thicker the false skin
I want to push it all away again
But I begin to hope I don't think I can.
No matter how I try to be okay
Tomorrow's just another day.
I actually find myself kind of hoping that I will get that thick skin back... I don't know if I believe in hope anymore.