Interminable
I am at a point in my life where I just don't want to exist anymore. I am so tired of living for everything. Maybe its just been this past week where I have felt really shitty and whatnot, but whatever.
I used to go to a place where my friends were, where I could talk freely and help others. I don't go there anymore because I have no strength to help others anymore, and not even enough strength to deal with the inevitable conflicts that arise in that place. There are more reasons why I don't go there anymore, but such things for another time.
I am afraid I must do something that will cause another pain. Uncertainties arise and life gets in the way, but I cannot help but be myself. I cannot be anything else.
I find that the desire to keep pushing on fades with time, the flames that light the path dim. So many of my friends have so much pain, and I cannot help but take as much of it on as I can. I keep myself financially secure, and mentally sound, but emotionally I do not hold back. I give my all for everyone else, and it has finally begun to take a toll upon me. Yet, as much as I could, should, hold back from everyone. I don't. I would come to hate myself, and all around me. I would truly become that anti-social person that everyone wonders if I am already.
I have someone who wants me to go out and meet people, expand my horizons and my options. He insists that I am destroying myself and will only end up cast aside and used by doing what I do. I say to that; 'So what?' What if I end up like that? What if I end up cast aside by everyone and everything? I know I shall not have what I desire in life, I shall not have what I want, I shall not have what I need. So why not give and give and give until there is nothing left inside? Perhaps when everyone has taken everything from me I won't care anymore.
I am not even sure I am going to show this to anyone... I don't want pity, I don't want a shoulder to lean on. This ephemereal creation of words to catalogue the things which I tell no-one is shoulder enough for me. I don't want support, I don't want to hear that people are 'there for me'. I don't want any of that crap. Its all meaningless in the end. People die, they move on, they grow up, they change. And none of that is bad, but mere fact. So keep your pity, your kind words, your inane mutterings of sympathy and condolences. I don't want them.
All I want is to watch the world float by on the obsidian plateau, to finally be free of the destiny I chose, to finally be able to put aside the burden and rest, to finally be free of the obligations that are put upon me. To be away from it all and to finally not care that I am the one on the obsidian pedestal, staring at the stars in ignorant bliss of the realities. Let the world smack me around one more time, let it throw what it has at me, let it take another piece of my mind. Eventually, I won't be here anymore just like the rest of you...
I used to go to a place where my friends were, where I could talk freely and help others. I don't go there anymore because I have no strength to help others anymore, and not even enough strength to deal with the inevitable conflicts that arise in that place. There are more reasons why I don't go there anymore, but such things for another time.
I am afraid I must do something that will cause another pain. Uncertainties arise and life gets in the way, but I cannot help but be myself. I cannot be anything else.
I find that the desire to keep pushing on fades with time, the flames that light the path dim. So many of my friends have so much pain, and I cannot help but take as much of it on as I can. I keep myself financially secure, and mentally sound, but emotionally I do not hold back. I give my all for everyone else, and it has finally begun to take a toll upon me. Yet, as much as I could, should, hold back from everyone. I don't. I would come to hate myself, and all around me. I would truly become that anti-social person that everyone wonders if I am already.
I have someone who wants me to go out and meet people, expand my horizons and my options. He insists that I am destroying myself and will only end up cast aside and used by doing what I do. I say to that; 'So what?' What if I end up like that? What if I end up cast aside by everyone and everything? I know I shall not have what I desire in life, I shall not have what I want, I shall not have what I need. So why not give and give and give until there is nothing left inside? Perhaps when everyone has taken everything from me I won't care anymore.
I am not even sure I am going to show this to anyone... I don't want pity, I don't want a shoulder to lean on. This ephemereal creation of words to catalogue the things which I tell no-one is shoulder enough for me. I don't want support, I don't want to hear that people are 'there for me'. I don't want any of that crap. Its all meaningless in the end. People die, they move on, they grow up, they change. And none of that is bad, but mere fact. So keep your pity, your kind words, your inane mutterings of sympathy and condolences. I don't want them.
All I want is to watch the world float by on the obsidian plateau, to finally be free of the destiny I chose, to finally be able to put aside the burden and rest, to finally be free of the obligations that are put upon me. To be away from it all and to finally not care that I am the one on the obsidian pedestal, staring at the stars in ignorant bliss of the realities. Let the world smack me around one more time, let it throw what it has at me, let it take another piece of my mind. Eventually, I won't be here anymore just like the rest of you...