Ghosts of the past...
Ghosts of the past haunt me. Memories and aches and pains long dead rising to the fore once more to bring me into the delusional decay I thought left behind. The things I have hated and worked to purge are once again thrust in my face with macabre consistency. Reminders everyday of everything I have failed at, everything I have done wrong. The pains I have inflicted and -enjoyed- even as I disgust myself... The monster I know is inside, barely chained and only withheld because I know I would suffer consequences which would inconvenience me... I wrote a long letter to someone tonight whom I had greatly wronged in the past. In my wrong-doing, I led them to greater pain and greater destruction. In my small destruction, I set in motion a chain of events that ended up with this person in the mental ward, addicted to several different drugs, not the least of which was heroin. She was pregnant by the man who had gotten her hooked on these drugs, a man I had once called my best friend. And here I sit, and I wonder what would have happened if I had not been a fool like I was. Perhaps some clarififcation is needed on that part...
In the late spring, early summer, of 2001... I was with a woman I met at a party. The school year was coming to a close and life was proceeding along its course, oblivious to the whims of two infant beings who wished to find a path in the darkness... I was asked a simple question, one which I realize needed a simple answer and I, in all my vain-glorious wisdom, chose not to give it. She asked if I wanted her to remain in WA with me, stay at a friends... be there. I, believing I knew what was best and believing that in not telling her I was allowing her to do what she most wished to do, did not tell her that I truly wanted her to stay. That I truly wanted her to be there that summer. But I wished to allow her to choose on her own, I knew how easily I could manipulate the words I said, the reactions I got. How easily I could make her choose what I wanted her to in the end, even if she resented me for it. I have shown a cunning, evil aptitude for doing just that so many times since. Able to make people say what I want them to say, do what I want them to do, all with an instinctual grasp for exactly what makes them tick that scares me because it pervades every facet of my life. Anyways... I chose to remain silent and I told her to choose for herself. And she did. She chose to go with her father, her -father- to California for the summer... and in my heart I knew that if she did it would destroy us. How could I have been so selfish? So foolish and naive and childish? The jaws of destruction, guided by my own hands, closed on her. I could not tell her, after she said she was going with her father, that I wanted her to remain. I could not put my own wishes in front of hers and I hated her for it. My petty, childish, stupid mind hated her for it... Hated the fact she chose her father over a stupid failure who was destined to drop out and prove what everyone thought about him. That he -was- a failure without a doubt. So I broke up with her. I couldn't do it for a month after she left, completely unable to get the nerve to pick up the phone and say the words. I eventually did... And I wonder if perhaps I had been less of an idiot she would have suffered less. But I wasn't... She returned the next school year and we got together again for a brief period, and then I became the most despicable, coldest person I have ever experienced... I still remember the feelings, the moments, the sounds. All with crystal clarity they echo in my mind and heart... The anger that rose nauseatingly in my throat and in my chest as time went on. The pain that accompanied it... I remember in the end... and I hate myself for this... I look back, and I see exactly what kind of monster I have inside. She was over and my brother was playing a game and I was watching while sitting in the living room while she talked with my other brother in the dining room. I could not look at her... I could not see her... Yet in my mind I know she was there. She came in, and she sat down beside me and just scooted close. And like an automaton, like someone not myself... I stood up, without a word, and I moved into the other room. And I remember... What I felt then was anger, and disgust, and pain... all overwhelming me. I couldn't even look at her really without feeling all three of those things... and all because I was a stupid little boy. Because I was selfish and cruel, the monster reared its head and dug its poisoned teeth deeply in this vital woman, a woman who had so much ahead of her and always smiled and laughed and was so full of life.... Over the next few years I saw that life leeched away, that vitality and spirit tainted and dimmed. And I have to live with the knowledge that the ultimate start, the ultimate cause is me. I was the one who put her on that path... All because of a stupid fucking party... All because I was a stupid fucking person...
And I realize something else... I broke the man who ultimately poisoned her... Or rather, I became the last straw that broke him... I took from him something he cherished, even if he didn't know how to show it. Even if he was so stupid in his path, he still loved her. And I took it from him. In one fell swoop I destroyed two people, because I left her to go out with his g/f who had broken up with him but a week before to go out with me... So I either began or completed his descent into destruction as well. I watched as a friend I cherished, called brother, tried to help... was destroyed by one simple action.
What do I seek in all of this? I don't know. Maybe to show the world that I am a horrible monster, beyond question, beyond redemption. Perhaps to seek out that shred which may just be redeemable in this morass. I watched as the people I called friends descended into pain, agony, and death... And I am back here to see it all in fresh new light, a new person I had hoped, but I realize I am not. I am simply changed on the outside. Inside I am still the person I have always been, and simply a tool of destruction. The person who went to California, I hope that she is doing better in her life. I hope that she is doing better than she could have ever done. My ex-friend... I know how he is doing, and he disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself... But, in the end I have only myself to blame, so I must pity him, for I know why he does what he does, and who has caused it.
I Did.
In any case, I leave now with those thoughts spoken, with my heart and mind purged of burdens and thoughts that have tortured them for years. With revelations and knowledge gained in hopes that perhaps I will be able to move on, though I doubt I shall ever be able to reconcile these things fully.
Rose... I hope that you can still love me after you know these things... I hope you can still care for me... Still like me. Saying these things, typing these things out... It has broken something inside me, for better or worse I cannot tell, but I pray that you do not hate me after this.
For all the rest, this is not meant to gain pity, or meant to be a self-pitying post. I truly feel disgusted with myself... I truly feel like I have caused these things, and I have. Please do not take it as self-pity or whatever. I don't even know why I insist on showing this to everyone other than I am seeking something, what that is I do not know.
May the times fare well for all of you. I go now to my own realm, my own rest of nightmares.
The Black-Winged Angel ~ Morgon Da'Chere
In the late spring, early summer, of 2001... I was with a woman I met at a party. The school year was coming to a close and life was proceeding along its course, oblivious to the whims of two infant beings who wished to find a path in the darkness... I was asked a simple question, one which I realize needed a simple answer and I, in all my vain-glorious wisdom, chose not to give it. She asked if I wanted her to remain in WA with me, stay at a friends... be there. I, believing I knew what was best and believing that in not telling her I was allowing her to do what she most wished to do, did not tell her that I truly wanted her to stay. That I truly wanted her to be there that summer. But I wished to allow her to choose on her own, I knew how easily I could manipulate the words I said, the reactions I got. How easily I could make her choose what I wanted her to in the end, even if she resented me for it. I have shown a cunning, evil aptitude for doing just that so many times since. Able to make people say what I want them to say, do what I want them to do, all with an instinctual grasp for exactly what makes them tick that scares me because it pervades every facet of my life. Anyways... I chose to remain silent and I told her to choose for herself. And she did. She chose to go with her father, her -father- to California for the summer... and in my heart I knew that if she did it would destroy us. How could I have been so selfish? So foolish and naive and childish? The jaws of destruction, guided by my own hands, closed on her. I could not tell her, after she said she was going with her father, that I wanted her to remain. I could not put my own wishes in front of hers and I hated her for it. My petty, childish, stupid mind hated her for it... Hated the fact she chose her father over a stupid failure who was destined to drop out and prove what everyone thought about him. That he -was- a failure without a doubt. So I broke up with her. I couldn't do it for a month after she left, completely unable to get the nerve to pick up the phone and say the words. I eventually did... And I wonder if perhaps I had been less of an idiot she would have suffered less. But I wasn't... She returned the next school year and we got together again for a brief period, and then I became the most despicable, coldest person I have ever experienced... I still remember the feelings, the moments, the sounds. All with crystal clarity they echo in my mind and heart... The anger that rose nauseatingly in my throat and in my chest as time went on. The pain that accompanied it... I remember in the end... and I hate myself for this... I look back, and I see exactly what kind of monster I have inside. She was over and my brother was playing a game and I was watching while sitting in the living room while she talked with my other brother in the dining room. I could not look at her... I could not see her... Yet in my mind I know she was there. She came in, and she sat down beside me and just scooted close. And like an automaton, like someone not myself... I stood up, without a word, and I moved into the other room. And I remember... What I felt then was anger, and disgust, and pain... all overwhelming me. I couldn't even look at her really without feeling all three of those things... and all because I was a stupid little boy. Because I was selfish and cruel, the monster reared its head and dug its poisoned teeth deeply in this vital woman, a woman who had so much ahead of her and always smiled and laughed and was so full of life.... Over the next few years I saw that life leeched away, that vitality and spirit tainted and dimmed. And I have to live with the knowledge that the ultimate start, the ultimate cause is me. I was the one who put her on that path... All because of a stupid fucking party... All because I was a stupid fucking person...
And I realize something else... I broke the man who ultimately poisoned her... Or rather, I became the last straw that broke him... I took from him something he cherished, even if he didn't know how to show it. Even if he was so stupid in his path, he still loved her. And I took it from him. In one fell swoop I destroyed two people, because I left her to go out with his g/f who had broken up with him but a week before to go out with me... So I either began or completed his descent into destruction as well. I watched as a friend I cherished, called brother, tried to help... was destroyed by one simple action.
What do I seek in all of this? I don't know. Maybe to show the world that I am a horrible monster, beyond question, beyond redemption. Perhaps to seek out that shred which may just be redeemable in this morass. I watched as the people I called friends descended into pain, agony, and death... And I am back here to see it all in fresh new light, a new person I had hoped, but I realize I am not. I am simply changed on the outside. Inside I am still the person I have always been, and simply a tool of destruction. The person who went to California, I hope that she is doing better in her life. I hope that she is doing better than she could have ever done. My ex-friend... I know how he is doing, and he disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself... But, in the end I have only myself to blame, so I must pity him, for I know why he does what he does, and who has caused it.
I Did.
In any case, I leave now with those thoughts spoken, with my heart and mind purged of burdens and thoughts that have tortured them for years. With revelations and knowledge gained in hopes that perhaps I will be able to move on, though I doubt I shall ever be able to reconcile these things fully.
Rose... I hope that you can still love me after you know these things... I hope you can still care for me... Still like me. Saying these things, typing these things out... It has broken something inside me, for better or worse I cannot tell, but I pray that you do not hate me after this.
For all the rest, this is not meant to gain pity, or meant to be a self-pitying post. I truly feel disgusted with myself... I truly feel like I have caused these things, and I have. Please do not take it as self-pity or whatever. I don't even know why I insist on showing this to everyone other than I am seeking something, what that is I do not know.
May the times fare well for all of you. I go now to my own realm, my own rest of nightmares.
The Black-Winged Angel ~ Morgon Da'Chere