headspace
Sometimes I don't know where to keep my head. How to organize my thoughts.
Sometimes I don't know how I'm thinking, what I'm thinking, or what to think about what I'm thinking.
I keep so much so close to myself. Some things I just let go, some things I let be known to the world, and some things I keep so close to myself. Maybe I'm afraid of letting people know how I really feel, but I don't know why that would be.
I made a promise a long time ago to myself. I promised myself that no matter what I would be true to myself. But what if who I am is someone I don't always approve of?
My thoughts are bouncing around so much right now I don't even know where to begin. I'm so confused as to what I want. Because what I think I want...well, I know it isn't what I really want. It's kinda led me to question myself. I'm leaving in a week. Then I'm back for a week before I leave. So what do I really want, and what can I really expect? How am I going to feel if things don't work out like I planned?
I've always been pretty close to my parents. When nobody's there for me they are, and I usually trust their experience, so when I need advice I lean on them. That's not to say that I haven't done things they wouldn't approve of. But it's going to be weird not to have them there to give me advice when I need it.
I think my dad's lost his sense of purpose since retiring. And I think that as a result of that he's been going through a depression. He's withdrawn, easily angered, and just not himself. I don't fight with my parents, and I've almost gone off on him a couple times. I'm worried about him.
I think I know what I have to do. I'm so nervous about doing it, because I feel like I know exactly how it's going to turn out and it's going to make things incredibly awkward between us. But I suppose it's your right to know. Hopefully it changes how you see me, but probably it doesn't. Or even if it does, I can't imagine that you'll think differently of me how I want you to. Because I know that's not how you feel, but something inside me has decided that that's how I want you to feel.
Which takes me back to control. My heart and my head are always at war. My heart says do one thing, but usually my head prevails and leads me down the safe path. I've got less than a month left here in Columbia.
I think for once it's time to let my heart do the talking. Shut down my brain and just let how I really feel come out. It doesn't make me less nervous, but part of the nerves I think are because it's another grand experiment that I'm conducting on myself, and I'm excited. I'm going to let my heart talk. Disregard what my parents say, for once, and let my emotions, my feelings, my heart take over. I've got myself set up for failure, but I'm ready to fail. Somehow, I'm ready. No matter what happens, I think that I've got something to prove to myself.
I want to prove to myself that I'm man enough, that I'm enough of an adult to do something that isn't comfortable, that isn't politically correct, that has a high chance of failure. I got a pep talk from an unlikely source last night, and I think it's what I needed. This is something that I have to do for myself, for ultimately you have to make yourself happy.
Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe that Planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems
Sometimes I don't know how I'm thinking, what I'm thinking, or what to think about what I'm thinking.
I keep so much so close to myself. Some things I just let go, some things I let be known to the world, and some things I keep so close to myself. Maybe I'm afraid of letting people know how I really feel, but I don't know why that would be.
I made a promise a long time ago to myself. I promised myself that no matter what I would be true to myself. But what if who I am is someone I don't always approve of?
My thoughts are bouncing around so much right now I don't even know where to begin. I'm so confused as to what I want. Because what I think I want...well, I know it isn't what I really want. It's kinda led me to question myself. I'm leaving in a week. Then I'm back for a week before I leave. So what do I really want, and what can I really expect? How am I going to feel if things don't work out like I planned?
I've always been pretty close to my parents. When nobody's there for me they are, and I usually trust their experience, so when I need advice I lean on them. That's not to say that I haven't done things they wouldn't approve of. But it's going to be weird not to have them there to give me advice when I need it.
I think my dad's lost his sense of purpose since retiring. And I think that as a result of that he's been going through a depression. He's withdrawn, easily angered, and just not himself. I don't fight with my parents, and I've almost gone off on him a couple times. I'm worried about him.
I think I know what I have to do. I'm so nervous about doing it, because I feel like I know exactly how it's going to turn out and it's going to make things incredibly awkward between us. But I suppose it's your right to know. Hopefully it changes how you see me, but probably it doesn't. Or even if it does, I can't imagine that you'll think differently of me how I want you to. Because I know that's not how you feel, but something inside me has decided that that's how I want you to feel.
Which takes me back to control. My heart and my head are always at war. My heart says do one thing, but usually my head prevails and leads me down the safe path. I've got less than a month left here in Columbia.
I think for once it's time to let my heart do the talking. Shut down my brain and just let how I really feel come out. It doesn't make me less nervous, but part of the nerves I think are because it's another grand experiment that I'm conducting on myself, and I'm excited. I'm going to let my heart talk. Disregard what my parents say, for once, and let my emotions, my feelings, my heart take over. I've got myself set up for failure, but I'm ready to fail. Somehow, I'm ready. No matter what happens, I think that I've got something to prove to myself.
I want to prove to myself that I'm man enough, that I'm enough of an adult to do something that isn't comfortable, that isn't politically correct, that has a high chance of failure. I got a pep talk from an unlikely source last night, and I think it's what I needed. This is something that I have to do for myself, for ultimately you have to make yourself happy.
Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe that Planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems