Hell of a weekend... so glad it's over...
The last two weeks have been like me walking in a thick fog. I couldn't tell you what I have done, what I've accomplished or what I have said. I am patiently waiting for reality to kick in so that I can curl up in the fetal position and cry my eyes out. I had to be strong at the funeral because Toni felt an overwhelming need to cling to me. I have buried a daughter already so I can understand the anguish a parent goes through when she has to put her child in the ground. Other than to talk about spiritual things related to our ancestry we have never been really that close. This terrible incident has created a bond between us and I find we are talking more and more. But because of this I found that I was unable to mourn the way I really should have. It doesn't help with the fact that it has been drilled in my head that it is considered a weakness to show emotion other than happiness in public. At the same time someone behind me had a nonstop urge to rub my back so I couldn't even pretend to be alone so that I could cry. Mind you I wasn't cold looking or dry eyed. My tears did flow freely, at no time did I fight that but I didn't actually cry like all the others. Like I should have. Like my sisters did. Ebonie was my favorite of all my nieces and nephews. She was loud, she was obnoxious. She was the typical big black strong minded woman that you tended to avoid if you were in the wrong neighborhood. *laughs* Yet she was always filled with love. She had a great love for animals and we both could talk for hours comparing notes and sharing information about what we knew, what we had learned... everything. She would always call me to find out about something for her dog, her rabbit or some other animal that she took in from the streets. She didn't care that she was dirt poor, if there was a space in her house for it she brought it home and even if it wasn't she found a home for that lost creature.
Getting that phone call was the most terrible day for me. She was the last person I expected for this to happen. This may sound full of anger and hate but I don't care. I am a pagan and I don't believe the gods are as cruel as these Christians portray him as being. All through the services one thing kept being said and it was like a knife being constantly stabbed into me. "It's God's will." How can that possibly even be true. That it was his will that she die at the young age of 24 and leaving behind two young children one that will barely remember his mother and the other who won't remember her at all. To rip her from the arms of the man that absolutely adored her no matter how angry she was at him. How can you tell me this was "God's will"? If that is the Christian God take a good look and explain to me how this should be the god that I should follow. Tell me how it was his will to stop her heart while she was in the arms of her young husband. What was the madness behind his joke? And don't give me the bullshit that he "wanted a new angel" because if he is the almighty and can create the world in seven days he can make his own brand new fucking angel without having to take away someone that had so much love.
They say the good die young and though she wasn't an angel she was a very good person. Yet she didn't have the perfect life. Her stepfather abused her sexually and physically, her mother called her a liar when she stood up to him and told her. Her life was rough, her life was hard. And through all this cruelty she still carried a lot of love for those in need. If you ever needed someone she was there for you. If someone didn't have the courage to speak up she stood up for them. If someone didn't have the knowledge to fight she fought for them. She gave of herself fully and I will miss her extremely. I will miss her coming to my house and creating total chaos. I will miss her erratic phone calls asking me desperately about what to do about some stray she has found injured. Or a home remedy about how to take care of one of her many pets. The last time I talked with her I remember her laughing over the phone with me because she had just had an argument with Maurice (her husband) about one of the animals and she had said, "I want you to hear what my auntie says, Maurice, she's a Vet-ri-na-rian Tech-ni-cian!" Yeah, she even broke it up into syllables. *laughs*
I don't know what I will do without her now. There are none that have that bond with me like that.
I will miss you dearly, Ebonie Rose Irving. You have left a hole in my heart that can never be filled.
~Maleficent
Getting that phone call was the most terrible day for me. She was the last person I expected for this to happen. This may sound full of anger and hate but I don't care. I am a pagan and I don't believe the gods are as cruel as these Christians portray him as being. All through the services one thing kept being said and it was like a knife being constantly stabbed into me. "It's God's will." How can that possibly even be true. That it was his will that she die at the young age of 24 and leaving behind two young children one that will barely remember his mother and the other who won't remember her at all. To rip her from the arms of the man that absolutely adored her no matter how angry she was at him. How can you tell me this was "God's will"? If that is the Christian God take a good look and explain to me how this should be the god that I should follow. Tell me how it was his will to stop her heart while she was in the arms of her young husband. What was the madness behind his joke? And don't give me the bullshit that he "wanted a new angel" because if he is the almighty and can create the world in seven days he can make his own brand new fucking angel without having to take away someone that had so much love.
They say the good die young and though she wasn't an angel she was a very good person. Yet she didn't have the perfect life. Her stepfather abused her sexually and physically, her mother called her a liar when she stood up to him and told her. Her life was rough, her life was hard. And through all this cruelty she still carried a lot of love for those in need. If you ever needed someone she was there for you. If someone didn't have the courage to speak up she stood up for them. If someone didn't have the knowledge to fight she fought for them. She gave of herself fully and I will miss her extremely. I will miss her coming to my house and creating total chaos. I will miss her erratic phone calls asking me desperately about what to do about some stray she has found injured. Or a home remedy about how to take care of one of her many pets. The last time I talked with her I remember her laughing over the phone with me because she had just had an argument with Maurice (her husband) about one of the animals and she had said, "I want you to hear what my auntie says, Maurice, she's a Vet-ri-na-rian Tech-ni-cian!" Yeah, she even broke it up into syllables. *laughs*
I don't know what I will do without her now. There are none that have that bond with me like that.
I will miss you dearly, Ebonie Rose Irving. You have left a hole in my heart that can never be filled.
~Maleficent