Nikki is right...
I just spent the last two and a half hours talking to my roommate. and I've decided the terms.
My relationship with Ben is on hold. Until I go back for the summer. and that probably won't change. It doesn't mean we don't still care deeply for one another. it doesn't mean we're ignoring that either. it just means that we're allowing ourselves not to get overworked about it, when neither of us need extra stress. we get enough of it from our lives that we dont need to give ourselves stress or each other.
we're still going to see one another when I am in town. Our chemistry will probably prove to be too powerful for it not to seem like nothing's changed while we're together. but you can't hide that both of us have changed and will contiunue to change as people, even if our dynamic together has not.
we will also still talk to one another on as regular a basis as possible. However, there is an element of letting go involved. Even if both of us are online, we shouldn't feel obligated to talk to one another. I shouldn't sit around waiting for him to sign on either.
That being said, I am now in an open relationship. that doesn't mean I'm looking for a new person, or for a fuck buddy, or for anything physical, or to be promiscuous. I love Ben and, quite frankly, don't want my first real time to be with anyone else.
But it does mean I am open to meet new people. It means I shouldn't feel awkward or guilty for flirting with or going on a date with someone else. It does mean I am committing myself to meeting new people here, and becoming closer with people here. It's where I am for four years, and I've not really been open here because I was so involved with him back home. And if stuff happens, it happens. So I'm in an open relationship. And if I get asked out, I'll make a decision on a case by case basis.
Now, I don't think anything bad can happen. I love Ben, I will always love Ben, even if this doesn't continue, even if I don't get to spend the rest of my life with him. But how can I know if he's the one if I've not had time to review all my options?
I've just been safe with this, but at the same time I'm not willing to risk my hapiness here on someone that isn't prepared for that kind of long-distance long-term thing. So in reality, rather than risk my heart it's safer to look at the pickings and decide if he in fact is the one.
I miss him, it's true. I love him more than anyone. But I can't waste my college years pining for him. I can't die, I have to live.
My relationship with Ben is on hold. Until I go back for the summer. and that probably won't change. It doesn't mean we don't still care deeply for one another. it doesn't mean we're ignoring that either. it just means that we're allowing ourselves not to get overworked about it, when neither of us need extra stress. we get enough of it from our lives that we dont need to give ourselves stress or each other.
we're still going to see one another when I am in town. Our chemistry will probably prove to be too powerful for it not to seem like nothing's changed while we're together. but you can't hide that both of us have changed and will contiunue to change as people, even if our dynamic together has not.
we will also still talk to one another on as regular a basis as possible. However, there is an element of letting go involved. Even if both of us are online, we shouldn't feel obligated to talk to one another. I shouldn't sit around waiting for him to sign on either.
That being said, I am now in an open relationship. that doesn't mean I'm looking for a new person, or for a fuck buddy, or for anything physical, or to be promiscuous. I love Ben and, quite frankly, don't want my first real time to be with anyone else.
But it does mean I am open to meet new people. It means I shouldn't feel awkward or guilty for flirting with or going on a date with someone else. It does mean I am committing myself to meeting new people here, and becoming closer with people here. It's where I am for four years, and I've not really been open here because I was so involved with him back home. And if stuff happens, it happens. So I'm in an open relationship. And if I get asked out, I'll make a decision on a case by case basis.
Now, I don't think anything bad can happen. I love Ben, I will always love Ben, even if this doesn't continue, even if I don't get to spend the rest of my life with him. But how can I know if he's the one if I've not had time to review all my options?
I've just been safe with this, but at the same time I'm not willing to risk my hapiness here on someone that isn't prepared for that kind of long-distance long-term thing. So in reality, rather than risk my heart it's safer to look at the pickings and decide if he in fact is the one.
I miss him, it's true. I love him more than anyone. But I can't waste my college years pining for him. I can't die, I have to live.