DR, next bit
"Um...."
Lee put his hands on Gaara's hips and nudged him away. Gaara obeyed the silent command without hesitation, rolling onto his side. Lee looped his arms around Gaara's waist, pulling them closer together into a loose hug. Gaara's eyes were near his now, looking at him steadily.
"Gaara...would you...is it okay if I..."
Lee struggled desperately as those cool green eyes watched him without any signs of embarrassment. Or comprehension. The Jounin stifled a groan. Lee had always been a well-mannered young man with a very proper form of speech. And there was just no polite or formal way of asking someone if you could jerk them off.
Lee touched the smooth skin of Gaara's chest. He still couldn't quite believe that he was finally allowed to do that and Gaara didn't mind, even enjoyed it- Lee didn't let himself get too distracted. His fingers brushed a nipple the color of sandstone, then they drifted downwards. They touched Gaara's beltline, and a grip like a vice fastened on Lee's wrist.
"No."
Lee glanced up. The young man who'd opened up a bit, who'd expressed a rare desire, who'd wanted to share something with Lee and even said please, was gone. There was the familiar control back in its place, hard and uncompromising.
Lee didn't feel surprised in the slightest. Gaara had wanted to do this for Lee, he'd wanted to touch something, maybe make this 'love' thing between them a bit more tangible. The need had pushed him past his usual reserve and caution. But he'd never intended it to be mutual.
The grip on his wrist was almost painful, but Lee didn't pay it any attention. He reached up slowly with his free hand, the movement a bit cramped in the short space between them. His fingers were tender and undemanding as they brushed Gaara's cheek.
"It's your choice. You don't have to if you don't want to. But...to tell you the truth, I'd like...to...I guess this is what you meant earlier when you agreed it was too soon to have sex, as in together. That was probably true, but I still let you do- no, that's not what I mean. But you see, I guess that's why I want it, because it's together," Lee concluded pretty much incoherently.
Gaara's face was a mask, unreadable even to Lee. If he knew how hard it had been for Lee to ask for this, he gave no indication.
It felt as pleasant as poison, but Lee knew he had to ask for what he wanted because Gaara would not be able to figure it out otherwise. What Lee wanted was completely confused and it scared him a bit; but want it he did, and in a way, Gaara had the right to know that. That 'getting close' and 'opening up' stuff cut both ways.
Then again, Lee had said he'd never ask Gaara for more than he could give. This was getting too complicated, it was making his head hurt. Lee bit his lip and looked away.
"Don't worry about it," he said, trying to smile reassuringly. "This is really new for you. I said I wouldn't push you too fast. Maybe think about it for, um, next time?"
He tried to draw his hand away. The fingers wouldn't release him. Lee glanced from the grip reddening the skin of his wrist to Gaara's face, still unreadable.
Then Gaara nodded once and released his hold.
It had only been a nod, but somehow Lee knew exactly what Gaara had agreed to as if he'd spelled it out. His heart tripped a beat, then sounded off loudly in his ears.
He focused on Gaara's eyes. "Are you sure?"
Gaara held his gaze. "If I tell you to stop, you will stop." It wasn't a plea, it wasn't a threat, it was a statement of fact.
Lee nodded seriously. That went without saying.
He took a deep breath, as discreetly as he could. Then he crawled to Gaara's other side, so he could use his right hand. Gaara's eyes followed him. Lee touched his bandaged palm to his lover's cheek, a simple gesture to reassure both Gaara and himself.
Lee removed his hand from Gaara's cheek and stroked the smooth chest, still marveling at the fact that he was even allowed to do this much. He felt Gaara relax infinitesimally at the caress, but he was still pretty tense. Lee's fingers moved slowly down to Gaara's pants. Gaara didn't say anything, his eyes never leaving Lee's face. Lee was completely unable to read him, which meant Gaara was tightly controlled.
Gaara didn't twitch when Lee's fingers brushed the hardness just below his low-slung beltline. In fact it was Lee who flinched slightly, nerves twanging. He turned to watch what his hand was doing. He wanted to make sure he was doing it right, and it was easier than facing that direct stare.
His fingers smoothed the skin on Gaara's abs, slipped beneath the cloth, touched the tip of Gaara's erection. His eyes were drawn to what his fingers were doing and his blink reflex was fried again.
Gaara's breath hitched. Despite all his control, his hips twitched ever so slightly into Lee's movements, and Lee suddenly remembered just why he was doing this.
Gaara's erection was clearly outlined against his pants. They were pretty tight- Lee thought that looked rather uncomfortable, and realized his fingers were already feeling at the buttons on the heel of that half-formulated thought. He fumbled, and then caught himself. You either do this or you don't, he told himself sternly. There was no place for half-measures in a Shinobi's life.
He leaned back and removed his hand. There was an increase of tension from Gaara, but he didn't say anything or make a move. Lee lifted his hand to his face and jerked at the knot of his bandages with his teeth- then he gave up and, with his other fingers, ripped right through the tough bands all the way down to his wrist with a strength he normally didn't use for anything mundane. Gaara watched him but didn't comment.
Lee's bare hand caressed the hard belly and then worked at the fastening of the pants. He kissed Gaara again before he turned his head to see what his fingers were doing.
Gaara was strangely on edge, even more than Lee expected him to be. Lee wanted to stop and ask him what was wrong, but he had the feeling Gaara would have already told him if he was ever going to. Maybe Gaara was just conscious, as a good Shinobi should be, that Lee could kill him or cripple him in three different ways in this position. Lee was having a hard time forgetting that himself. He hadn't felt this clumsy and inexperienced since his school days.
Lee knew without looking that the gourd was behind him, leaning against the wall beneath the window only a few feet away. He was always very aware of the Sand's location and state these days. It was a good indicator of Gaara's more hazardous moods, and if there were any danger to Lee it would come from there first. A quick glance showed him that it was still corked and quiescent, but now was not the time to accidentally scratch Gaara on the- well, anywhere delicate, really.
Lee pushed back layers of cloth which kept trying to spring up again. He could just scoot down and tug Gaara's pants off, but that felt like they were going too far (though that begged the question of just where he was drawing the line, considering what had happened before and what his fingers were doing right now).
Gaara slowly moved. Just an inch, pushing back with his arms and arching his back. The movement dragged his pants back under him a bit and gave Lee room to maneuver. Lee decided to take it as a good sign. Gaara had seen Lee come before, he seemed to have a fairly good grasp of what was going on and he was willing to participate.
Short curls the color of beaten copper started just below the beltline. Gaara's erection was not quite full yet, the dry tip easing from the ring of skin. Lee's fingers felt up and down the shaft, more curious than immediately intent on stimulating. His eye measured against the size of his hand automatically. Gaara was a bit bigger than he was. But other than that they weren't any different. Lee's fingers explored down a bit further, and everything was perfectly normal - and why had he even wondered if there would be anything odd? Damn those old Suna gossips and their malicious, superstitious garbage; he'd tried not to pay them any attention, but their scurrilous rumors had apparently lingered at the back of his mind.
His thumb felt gently at the soft skin drawing back from the tip. Gaara's eyes, still fixed on Lee's face, widened a fraction.
Lee looked at his roughened, scarred fingers. He should probably wrap them around-...he'd done this before a few times on himself. True, it was beyond strange, doing this to another man- wanting to do this to another man so very, very badly. If Lee had had any remaining doubts about his sexuality, he could put them to rest now. But at least he knew what to do, so why was he hesitating?
Gaara's tension, the gourd behind him, his own inexperience and the simple knowledge that he could crush stone with that hand were roiling around in his chest, making his breath fast and uneven. He could injure Gaara very, very badly with just a clumsy twitch of his hand - not that he would - but he could. Along with his strength, Lee had developed his control until it was exquisite, but he wasn't in the top of his form right now, what if-
Calm down. He just had to...wrap his fingers (gently!) around Gaara's erection...Or he could-
No. No way could he do that. He didn't know how to do that.
But there was a picture in his mind now, intense and erotic. Something deep inside him responded at a visceral level, and he'd started to move before he could give himself the chance to think it through and shoot it down.
He kissed Gaara on the collarbone, then on the smooth, hairless pectorals and the abdomen. His movements were slow, to not alarm his lover, and dreamlike, to not alarm his brain which was trying to formulate some kind of objection to what he was half planning. Chances were, Gaara had also seen this done before when he was spying on the villagers, so he wouldn't be completely caught off-guard.
Lee slid down to his knees off the side of the bed, kissed Gaara's hipbone and then before he could give himself any time to think about it, he let his lips touch the side of Gaara's erection.
Gaara didn't move. But he was so tightly controlled, Lee wasn't surprised.
Relax. Please let go. Let me do this for you, please...the words were running through Lee's mind, and a small part of him was wondering if he should stop. But stopping now would be admitting defeat, something Lee was notoriously bad at. Besides Gaara would undoubtedly take that the wrong way.
His tongue trailed down the tightening skin of the shaft where his fingers had explored. There was a slight taste, musky, meaty, and a smell at once familiar and different than his own.
Gaara's breath caught in his throat and there was the slightest ripple of muscle beneath Lee's fingers, a twitch upward. Lee's heart felt like it had caught fire.
Closer
He could still hurt Gaara if he wasn't careful, but he would be careful. Very careful. It was even more unnerving now since he didn't really know what he was doing, but he could use Gaara's body as a guide. His left hand had settled on Gaara's stomach, feeling the tension of the muscles there. His right hand was no longer a deadly weapon, it was a sensitive instrument resting on Gaara's hip, measuring the slight twitches of movement. He was listening to the subtle hitch and draw of Gaara's breath. It told him what worked and what didn't.
If Lee listened even more intently, he could hear something else. His heart beating hard. The quick flicker of blood through Gaara's skin near his ear. And words -you in me in you in me in you- running through his mind like a frantic pulse, an endless poem.
Lee let his tongue wander back up towards the head, trailing over the sensitive corona.
Gaara jerked. Lee instantly froze.
His friend's hand was hovering near Lee's cheek. Lee could feel no movement from the Sand behind him and there was no immediate sense of danger. If he doesn't want this, I trust him to let me know without actual bodily harm, Lee decided. He slowly let his mouth cover the tip.
Gaara's breathing went oddly ragged. This probably wasn't a bad sign. Lee's body felt strange; his skin was burning and his stomach was knotting with tension and excitement, and though he was breathing regularly through his nose with all the control of a Taijutsu specialist, he couldn't seem to get enough oxygen into his body. His blood was fizzing and he felt dizzy.
He let his tongue explore. Emboldened, his fingers finally followed, very, very lightly and tenderly. He had a musky taste in his mouth. He had the feeling this wasn't going to last long.
He stopped moving again when Gaara's hand touched his head. Gaara's fingers were tense but extremely gentle. They did not push him away. They touched his hair, his ear, drifted down to his cheek, his lips, felt at the juncture between them. Lee licked at the bumpy shape in his mouth. He was only taking in the tip and an inch or so, and he didn't really feel like doing anything else for now. This was already almost too much for him to assimilate.
The fingers against his cheek were shaking. Lee licked again and sucked slightly.
Gaara's breathing became completely uneven, short, sharp gasps. Lee could feel the skin and flesh tighten further beneath his fingers. He pulled down gently on the shaft, felt it start to throb.
Gaara didn't make a sound. He stopped breathing, his hand whipped away from Lee's face to fist against the covers, and his hips twitched.
Lee felt something - salty, coppery - on his tongue. The unpleasant aftertaste startled him and he instinctively let it dribble from his mouth, getting some on his hand and Gaara's pants accidentally.
He wiped his lips, feeling completely buzzed by what he'd let himself do. He had a feeling that long-delayed embarrassment was going to jump him any second now and then he was probably going to die, but right now he felt a flicker of satisfaction.
That flicker became a brief blaze when he lifted his head. Gaara's body had loosened up and lost all that sense of tight control. His eyes were still open, his lips parted as he tried to catch his breath. He was staring at the ceiling.
"I knew they were lying," he said, his voice rough and a bit uneven.
Lee didn't know what he'd expected Gaara to say at this point, but that wasn't it. "What?"
"My controllers. They were lying when they said that having an orgasm would damage my control. I knew it."
Except that to Lee's ears, practiced at deciphering Gaara's neutral tones, his lover sounded ever so slightly shaky and relieved...
"...Good," Lee said, which was probably lame to the extreme, but he was damned if he knew what else to say.
He straightened up, on his knees next to the bed, and grimaced.
"...Gaara...?" His voice sounded strange to his own ears "Can I use your bathroom, please?"
Gaara's eyes had fastened themselves blindly on the window. But his hand moved and gestured in the direction of a door to the right near the cupboard.
"Thanks." Lee stood up gingerly. He made his way to the door, walking with a tight gait that stopped the wet spot from smearing too badly.
The bathroom was as bare as the bedroom. There were two towels, one folded, the other on the rack, a shower and what was probably the only personal bathtub in Suna. Being Kazekage had its privileges. A toothbrush and paste in a cup next to the sink. A first-aid kit. A brush with a few red hairs caught in the bristles. Soap and shampoo and a black bottle on a small shelf. That was it. No decorations, no gels, no bath salts, no shaving equipment- did Gaara shave? His skin always looked perfectly smooth, but he was eighteen, he should-
Lee leaned heavily against the edge of the sink. He'd just had sex with Gaara (that counted as sex, right?!) and he didn't even know if Gaara shaved or not! For some reason that incongruous detail seemed to epitomize the confusion that had suddenly overcome him, making his legs shake.
Lee rubbed his eyes savagely with the hand that wasn't messy, his mind coming to terms with what had just happened. He was feeling embarrassed now. It was a rather pallid embarrassment though, nowhere near the crushing wave he'd expected, but maybe it was just waiting for him to remember every moment in greater detail and cut him up into little squirming pieces at its leisure.
What he mainly felt was a mixture of confusion and almost panic. Exacerbated by the fact that despite all this, he still couldn't really believe that what they'd done was all that wrong- sudden, too sudden, but not wrong. 'I made you feel that'. No, Lee didn't regret it, which probably made him a- an amoral, degenerate-
Lee frowned at the sink, finally cornering the origin of his anxiety. The problem was, Lee had had a Plan. If it had a name, you could call it the Springtime Flowering of Love.
Love was an absolute, full of Youth and Certainty. It did not have grey areas. Love might be sudden and immediate, but it came to flower after a long period of getting to know each other, a meeting of heart and mind. No secrets, no arguments, no awkward fumbling, only Pure True Devotion that lit the way and made everything clear. Of course in Lee's Plan, part of that time would be spent persuading the object of his affections that Lee was worthy of such. There would be dates, candle-lit dinners, and the chance for Lee to prove his valor. And romantic gestures, gifts and long talks. Ardent confessions, complete understanding, respect and propriety and absolutely no touching-
- jerking off, his mind supplied helpfully. Blowjob, it added.
- and all that only three days after he'd declared his love to- agh!
Of course, Lee realized intellectually that this Plan of his had been conceived long ago, inspired by Gai-sensei's romantic words, when sex had still been a frightening unknown, before he'd even met Sakura-san. Sakura-san hadn't fit all that well into the Plan, even though Lee had tried his best. And Gaara? The Plan and Gaara were like oil and a fire jutsu.
Lee rinsed out his mouth, trying somewhat ineffectually to not think why he was doing this, not notice the strange aftertaste in his mouth or look at his scalding red face in the mirror. Then he wiped out what he could from his pants. Deep inside, a twelve-year-old Lee was insisting that Love should be simpler, purer and not so...messy...
He washed his hands carefully, wiped them on the towel, straightened up and took a fleeting peek at himself in the mirror. He was still red in the face. He idly picked up the black bottle he'd noticed earlier and examined it. He knew he was stalling, but he just didn't know how to behave now.
Then he registered what he was seeing. Aftershave? He looked around again, in case he'd missed something, but there was no razor anywhere and no drawers to hide it. The seal on the bottle was broken, but when Lee opened it curiously, none had been used. The scent was oddly familiar. Kankuro. This was the aftershave the Sand Jounin wore sometimes when he wasn't on duty.
Lee had a vision like a brief movie rolling through his mind. Gaara making some incurious comment to Kankuro about the way he smelled. Kankuro dropping off a bottle of the stuff in Gaara's bathroom in that 'oh well, I had an extra, and you might actually need it some day, squirt' style of his that had been part of the delicate and unspoken negotiations that had re-established Gaara and Kankuro as brothers over the years. Gaara opening it and drawing back, eyes narrowing at the scent which would smell strong and aggressive directly from the bottle. Putting it back on his shelf with a frown. But not throwing out the gift from his brother.
Lee stared blindly at the bottle. He didn't know everything there was to know about Gaara, even though they'd been friends for over a year now. Gaara was a very private person, and he kept himself tightly wrapped up and under control. Lee didn't know many of the little details, or some of the really big problems either.
But he knew some things that counted a lot.
As for the rest, maybe Love wasn't knowing after all. Maybe Love was finding out. And getting over the shock when things didn't go according to plan. Or according to the Plan, but Lee knew he could scrap that one, it had never stood a chance from the start with Gaara.
He put the bottle back on the shelf, glanced down and sighed helplessly at the wet spot on the front of his pants. He should be okay if he wore his shirt out on his way back to his room.
It seemed strange to think of such trivial details after he'd just had sex. He was going to go back to his place to change sooner or later. Then he would go out and train, hopefully dragging Gaara along with him, and life would go on pretty much as normal.
Lee shook his head at himself in the mirror, smoothed down his mussed hair as an afterthought, and turned towards the door. He shouldn't be worried that this moment wasn't anything like he'd imagined it to be, he should be worried about his...lover. His occasionally unstable lover whose reactions to intimacy and closeness could be unpredictable. Yeah, that was more a cause for concern than the fact that the world was still merrily ticking over quite normally after one Rock Lee had just given his first blowjob.
Damn, he had at that, he'd just given his first- later! He had to check on Gaara.
Gaara had moved, to Lee's vague relief. He was lying full length on the bed, pants fastened again, apparently unconcerned that they were due for a trip to the laundry basket. His eyes were still on the window though, and he didn't turn when Lee came in, or even twitch.
Lee joined him on the bed, moving slowly and settling down close but not actually touching him. He wondered if Gaara had found the understanding he was looking for.
"Gaara? Are you okay?"
"Yes. I didn't realize...It was intense." Gaara's words were slow but steady, his eyes thoughtful. He had one arm pillowing his head, the other draped loosely over his abs. "I knew it was safe. But I rather wish I’d known it was this relaxing before. It would have made my adolescent years a bit more bearable."
Lee laughed. He really couldn't help it. It came out marginally more amused than hysterical so he didn't try to stop himself. Gaara glanced at him, a slight scowl on his face. He flicked his hand up, punching Lee lightly on the shoulder: cut it out, Jounin, you're not allowed to laugh at the Kazekage's expense. Neither the scowl nor the gesture was serious. His mood had improved.
Lee caught the fingers and brought them to his mouth, though he was still chortling too hard to give them much more than a brief kiss. It was a soppy and romantic gesture that Gaara wouldn't understand in a million years, but Lee decided to do it anyway. Gaara had unintentionally reminded him that it was important for Lee to get something out of this relationship too, and if Lee wanted to be soppy and romantic after their first time, then Gaara was just going to have to put up with it.
Gaara predictably didn't get it, but he didn't seem to mind (probably because he didn't get it). He turned his face back towards the window. One finger uncurled from the Jounin's light grip and caressed Lee's cheek, the gesture idle and relaxed. Lee absently traced in his mind the months of small touches and gestures between them, like a long negotiation neither had been aware of, that had led to the untouchable, distant Gaara being able to do something like that and barely even notice.
Lee knew there would be some awkwardness and complications ahead as they plowed their way through this and other aspects of a relationship, but he suddenly had a vision of what the future might be like. Of a time when it wouldn't be daunting or embarrassing any more. A time it would become known, familiar and comforting; when they could take a break from the world and crawl into each other's arms and defend each other in a way that had nothing to do with fighting...
Closer.
"Gaara-..."
Lee paused. He'd wanted to share that small epiphany, but he didn't think he could put it into words. It sounded borderline cracked when he tried to, a product of the endorphin rush.
The green eyes flickered towards him, waiting for his question.
"Do you shave?"
That got Lee the greatest reaction yet by far. Gaara blinked, stared at him, withdrew his fingers from Lee's hand to hoist himself up on his elbows and look down at the Jounin with a puzzled frown.
"What?"
There were a million questions, some of which Gaara was not yet in a position to answer. Might as well start with this one. Besides, Lee was curious.
"Do you shave? I didn't see any razor in there."
"...No. Something about the Sand Armour interferes with hair growth." Green eyes skipped down Lee's chest, following the trail of dark hair growing thicker near the beltline.
"Not everywhere though." Lee affectionately ran a finger through Gaara's tousled red hair - maybe the sand protection was what made it so rough? Then his gaze traveled south to the faint trace of copper visible at the edge of Gaara's pants.
Gaara followed the direction of his glance. "The Armour covers me like a cup there."
"Oh, right, that would be more comfortable-"
"Lee, why the hell are you asking me this?" Gaara interrupted as if he just couldn't stand the curiosity anymore and it had finally defeated the Kazekage's fabled disinterest.
"Just wondering," Lee answered with maybe the slightest of smug grins as he settled down against the lumpy mattress and put a proprietary hand on his lover's bare stomach. Gaara let him, still staring at him oddly.
End Part Sixteen
Erm, that was it. Not as crucial as chapter 12, but pretty damn important anyway for the progression of the pairing. I hope that was a bit hot and tender, as well as bizarre ^_^;;
There will be a side story added to this in a few days, or by this weekend, to add a bit of humour and also to fill a logic hole that I noticed in a few other fics (including my own, I might say).