swallow shit or ruin the entire afternoon?
I am having a shitty day of shit from shit hell, with what promises to be another night of the same, followed by a day that will be slightl;y better (I hope) and another night of hell (though hopefully less shitty hell). So yes, I am tired and I am in pain and I am exhausted. I would come here and type simply the words "I give up," because that's how I feel, but I know those words would be misunderstood. The last time I typed those words people took me to mean something else (and I don't blame them for reaching that conclusion, it's just that "I give up" came because I'd started at a blank screen for fifteen minutes trying to think of a way to put into words what I was feeling and came up blank, and "I give up" was all that I could think of to say). I know that "I give up" worries some of you (I would be worried if I saw you post "I give up," too) so I will try to say what I'm feeling instead of despairing for the lack of words.
I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. My wrists hurt (yes, the both of them; my right wrist pulled and popped last night at work the way my left wrist did, so I used bill money to buy a wrist splint for it, because I can't stand the pain for another night) and I'm exhausted from working all night in spite of the disdain of coworkers and managers and I'm tired of coming home and blurting out all these feelings so they don't stay inside and burn a hole in my heart and having friends blame me for my pain, telling me everything I'm doing wrong that they would do right that would magically make my life better. I'm calling bullshit on the lot of it. First of all, if I reported every nasty comment someone made to me at work, I wouldn't have time to stock the shelves, and I make plenty of nasty comments myself ( it comes from working and being exhausted and being human) and if I made a ton of complaints, I could either be ignored or be fired for being "insubordinate." Try to get it through your thick skulls that Michigan is an "at will hire" State, which means that even if I am "wrongfully terminated" from my job, the company is allowed to fire me for whatever reason, they just have to lie about why so it won't look discriminatory, and if you STILL think "they can't do that" and "you're not fighting hard enough" I will point to my two months of involuntary unemployment wherein I nearly starved before I found another job after the LAST time I spoke up and was wrongfully terminated and tried to fight it only to have lawyers patiently explain to me why cases like this are so hard to fight. And if I explain this to you and you STILL think it's my fault and I'm wrong and I don't understand and I just need to do XYZ, then I politely invite you to die in a fire, screaming and writhing in pain as the flesh melts off your bones. Because if I explain these things to you and you still refuse to understand the position I am in, and understand that I am in said position even though "I know it's wrong," then you are being deliberately obtuse, and I have no patience for foolery. Not today.
Jobs aren't that plentiful around here, I'm lucky to have what I have, I work my fucking ass off, shut the fuck up and die in a fire. DIE IN A FIRE YOU HEARTLESS PRICK. Die. In. A. Fire. SCREAMING AND WRITHING.
Are we clear on what you should do before you spew your "advice" all over my personal space? I hope so. If not, see the above paragraph, re: DIAF PLZ KTHX.
Anyway, so yes, I'm in pain and tired, and that's just the PHYSICAL shit that's going on (and the stuff with work). As far as personal relationship go, if you can't tell from the paragraphs above, I'm just a TAD BIT touchy and mistrustful of people right now. I'm tired of being stomped on by people I'm supposed to be able to trust, in spaces that are supposed to be safe, by people who either think they've done nothing wrong or think I'm overreacting or think I'm crazy or think their shit smells like roses. I hate the smell of roses, anyway.
So I get overwhelmed, then, because I have these feelings burning a hole in me, and when I try to release them I either receive withering condescension ("it's good to write your feelings" NO SHIT ASSFUCK, that's WHY I'M DOING IT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT UTILIZING A NON-SEQUITUR, THEN DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL) or people fight with me and argue every single fucking point I make into the ground until I wish I was fucking dead YESTERDAY so I wouldn't have had to read all this bullshit.
I am tired and worn out. I lack the "give a shit" to even try to be tactful. I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of thinking I'm crazy for being tired of it, because people act like I have no right to be tired of it because I'm overreacting and here we go again, start the rollercoaster. Lather, rinse, repeat. The reason we still have instructions on bottles of shampoo is because people have failed to learn the cycle, even after all this time.
Lather, rinse, repeat, people. That's how we do it.
But I don't think I'm alone here. Or maybe I'm not. Not anymore. I found a post that describes exactly what I want to say but can't find the words. As the author says, "The Terrible Bargain is that which is struck between Person A (a person of privilege) and Person B (a person who doesn't have that privilege), where Person A refuses to examine the ways in which their expression of that privilege hurts Person B, and Person B thus can't ever fully trust Person A not to hurt them.
It's really just this simple: The Terrible Bargain is any relationship between two people where there is continual hurt on one side (intentional or not) and resulting mistrust on the other.
That mistrust can manifest in different ways -- silence, ending the relationship, or (as the example I'm laying out here) ongoing challenges that may eventually result in striking a new bargain." This relationship she describes, this swallowing of shit, is exactly how I've been feeling for so long and could never find a way to articulate it.
THIS is why I left my church.
THIS is why I've left so many other churches.
THIS is why there are things I can't discuss with my family and why we're not as close as we were when I was younger.
THIS is why I've severed relationships with some of my friends.
THIS is why I'm considering not attending meetings of the GLBTACQIOHIJKLMNOP group next year.
THIS.
I'm tired of swallowing shit. I can't do it anymore, and I have to do it all night at work, so my appetite is damn nigh nonexistent by the time I get home and have to deal with real people. I'm tired of not talking about it, and terrified that if we DO talk about it, the other people won't be willing to strike a new bargain with me, and they SAY they are willing and they WANT TO KNOW what I think but people ALWAYS say that and probably mean it when they say it but then when you really tell them the truth about something they get defensive and then you try to tell them they're being defensive and they defensively argue that they're NOT getting defensive and round and round it goes until your relationship goes down in flames. I've seen it too many times and I'm fucking TIRED of the scary-go-round and I want to get off. THAT is what I really wanted to say, but I couldn't find the words to say it, so Melissa said it for me. Because she had the words.
I'm tired, guys. Guys and gals, people. And I love you all, and I wouldn't even bother writing this if I didn't trust you to read it and not be a douchehat about it. Of course, if you break my trust, then I'll have to decide where to go from there, but mostly I'm just tired and I'm writing because I hope someone else will read this and not hate me or argue with me, but just listen. Like I try to listen, without judging or telling them what they're doing wrong. As Melissa also says in this post, the bargain goes both ways and is on all sides (because I'm well aware of what a pain in the ass I am) and it's difficult work, making this communication thing work in a relationship, but those people, the ones for whom you're willing to DO this hard exhausting work, those are the ones you can truly say you love.
...
I love you guys.
I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. My wrists hurt (yes, the both of them; my right wrist pulled and popped last night at work the way my left wrist did, so I used bill money to buy a wrist splint for it, because I can't stand the pain for another night) and I'm exhausted from working all night in spite of the disdain of coworkers and managers and I'm tired of coming home and blurting out all these feelings so they don't stay inside and burn a hole in my heart and having friends blame me for my pain, telling me everything I'm doing wrong that they would do right that would magically make my life better. I'm calling bullshit on the lot of it. First of all, if I reported every nasty comment someone made to me at work, I wouldn't have time to stock the shelves, and I make plenty of nasty comments myself ( it comes from working and being exhausted and being human) and if I made a ton of complaints, I could either be ignored or be fired for being "insubordinate." Try to get it through your thick skulls that Michigan is an "at will hire" State, which means that even if I am "wrongfully terminated" from my job, the company is allowed to fire me for whatever reason, they just have to lie about why so it won't look discriminatory, and if you STILL think "they can't do that" and "you're not fighting hard enough" I will point to my two months of involuntary unemployment wherein I nearly starved before I found another job after the LAST time I spoke up and was wrongfully terminated and tried to fight it only to have lawyers patiently explain to me why cases like this are so hard to fight. And if I explain this to you and you STILL think it's my fault and I'm wrong and I don't understand and I just need to do XYZ, then I politely invite you to die in a fire, screaming and writhing in pain as the flesh melts off your bones. Because if I explain these things to you and you still refuse to understand the position I am in, and understand that I am in said position even though "I know it's wrong," then you are being deliberately obtuse, and I have no patience for foolery. Not today.
Jobs aren't that plentiful around here, I'm lucky to have what I have, I work my fucking ass off, shut the fuck up and die in a fire. DIE IN A FIRE YOU HEARTLESS PRICK. Die. In. A. Fire. SCREAMING AND WRITHING.
Are we clear on what you should do before you spew your "advice" all over my personal space? I hope so. If not, see the above paragraph, re: DIAF PLZ KTHX.
Anyway, so yes, I'm in pain and tired, and that's just the PHYSICAL shit that's going on (and the stuff with work). As far as personal relationship go, if you can't tell from the paragraphs above, I'm just a TAD BIT touchy and mistrustful of people right now. I'm tired of being stomped on by people I'm supposed to be able to trust, in spaces that are supposed to be safe, by people who either think they've done nothing wrong or think I'm overreacting or think I'm crazy or think their shit smells like roses. I hate the smell of roses, anyway.
So I get overwhelmed, then, because I have these feelings burning a hole in me, and when I try to release them I either receive withering condescension ("it's good to write your feelings" NO SHIT ASSFUCK, that's WHY I'M DOING IT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT. IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT UTILIZING A NON-SEQUITUR, THEN DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL) or people fight with me and argue every single fucking point I make into the ground until I wish I was fucking dead YESTERDAY so I wouldn't have had to read all this bullshit.
I am tired and worn out. I lack the "give a shit" to even try to be tactful. I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of thinking I'm crazy for being tired of it, because people act like I have no right to be tired of it because I'm overreacting and here we go again, start the rollercoaster. Lather, rinse, repeat. The reason we still have instructions on bottles of shampoo is because people have failed to learn the cycle, even after all this time.
Lather, rinse, repeat, people. That's how we do it.
But I don't think I'm alone here. Or maybe I'm not. Not anymore. I found a post that describes exactly what I want to say but can't find the words. As the author says, "The Terrible Bargain is that which is struck between Person A (a person of privilege) and Person B (a person who doesn't have that privilege), where Person A refuses to examine the ways in which their expression of that privilege hurts Person B, and Person B thus can't ever fully trust Person A not to hurt them.
It's really just this simple: The Terrible Bargain is any relationship between two people where there is continual hurt on one side (intentional or not) and resulting mistrust on the other.
That mistrust can manifest in different ways -- silence, ending the relationship, or (as the example I'm laying out here) ongoing challenges that may eventually result in striking a new bargain." This relationship she describes, this swallowing of shit, is exactly how I've been feeling for so long and could never find a way to articulate it.
THIS is why I left my church.
THIS is why I've left so many other churches.
THIS is why there are things I can't discuss with my family and why we're not as close as we were when I was younger.
THIS is why I've severed relationships with some of my friends.
THIS is why I'm considering not attending meetings of the GLBTACQIOHIJKLMNOP group next year.
THIS.
I'm tired of swallowing shit. I can't do it anymore, and I have to do it all night at work, so my appetite is damn nigh nonexistent by the time I get home and have to deal with real people. I'm tired of not talking about it, and terrified that if we DO talk about it, the other people won't be willing to strike a new bargain with me, and they SAY they are willing and they WANT TO KNOW what I think but people ALWAYS say that and probably mean it when they say it but then when you really tell them the truth about something they get defensive and then you try to tell them they're being defensive and they defensively argue that they're NOT getting defensive and round and round it goes until your relationship goes down in flames. I've seen it too many times and I'm fucking TIRED of the scary-go-round and I want to get off. THAT is what I really wanted to say, but I couldn't find the words to say it, so Melissa said it for me. Because she had the words.
I'm tired, guys. Guys and gals, people. And I love you all, and I wouldn't even bother writing this if I didn't trust you to read it and not be a douchehat about it. Of course, if you break my trust, then I'll have to decide where to go from there, but mostly I'm just tired and I'm writing because I hope someone else will read this and not hate me or argue with me, but just listen. Like I try to listen, without judging or telling them what they're doing wrong. As Melissa also says in this post, the bargain goes both ways and is on all sides (because I'm well aware of what a pain in the ass I am) and it's difficult work, making this communication thing work in a relationship, but those people, the ones for whom you're willing to DO this hard exhausting work, those are the ones you can truly say you love.
...
I love you guys.