Jongin corners him in the parking lot.
He looks awful, unshaven and tired, the bags beneath his eyes are unsightly to say the least.
Sehun looks at him but he can’t seem to find his husband anymore.
“Please Sehun ah”
“Talk to me”
“I am so sorry Sehunnie….I can’t tell you that enough”
“Please Sehun…please just talk to me”
“I love you”
“I can’t live without you”
“Please come home”
He says all this desperately but Sehun doesn’t really hear him as he walks away from him.
Jongin grabs his arm.
“Let me go”
Sehun says when he is touched, his temper raising, the touch of his husband suddenly feeling dirty and unclean.
“I don’t want to talk Jongin”
“I don’t want to do anything”
“Just leave me alone”
Sehun says as he rips his hands away from Jongin’s grip and hustles to his car. Jongin is not easily deterred however and grabs at him once more, grabbing his hand and tugging him towards him.
Jongin has always been stronger than Sehun and never afraid to use it either.
In an instant his hands reach upwards to cup Sehun’s cheeks, caged between his husband and his car.
“Please Sehun ah”
He says before he leans in to kiss him.
Sehun feels shivers from the touch.
It runs along his spin and down to his toes.
He is torn between outrage and familiarity.
Everything about this is familiar. Despite his urgency, Jongin is as gentle as he has always been, his lips soft and sweet, his scent familiar and comforting.
Yet, there is part of Sehun that can’t help wonder where have these lips been.
Did he kiss the ‘someone else’ this way too?
These lips aren’t just Sehun’s anymore are they?
After Sehun doesn’t respond, Jongin releases him.
There are tears in his eyes and Sehun’s heart clenches. This is not something he is familiar with, not something he knows how to deal with.
Sehun doesn’t really remember a time when he has ever rejected Jongin.
He had been in love with him since he was sixteen years old in some way or the other. At first it was interest that turned to friendship and a crush and before he knew it, it had turned to love.
This love didn’t come to fruition until they were into their first year of college. Sehun working hard to ensure he and Jongin went to the same school, just so that he could be close to Jongin, to never leave him, even if it was only as a friend, as Jongin seem to insist on it only ever being.
Funnily enough, it was Jongin that made the first move. Sehun had until then left enough clues to be sickeningly obvious, but never doubt Kim Jongin’s obliviousness or wilful ignorance. Sehun had been too afraid to take that last step. He is reckless and brave with everything else, but always cautious when it came to Jongin.
He is the one thing that Sehun can’t bear to lose after all.
“Sehun” Jongin breathes against his cheek and his voice cracks.
“Baby…please”
He says as he presses his lips against the skin and Sehun can’t take any more of this.
His knees feel weak and he wants to throw up, to empty his stomach and purge himself from all of these conflicting poisonous thoughts and emotions.
“I can’t right now”
Is what Sehun says before he pushes Jongin away and gets into his car.
He tells himself not to look back, but he can’t help that one last fleeting look before he drives away.
He spends the night in thought, in that place of what if, until he eventually cries himself to sleep.
*****
Jongin surprisingly has a lot of free time.
That is what Sehun concludes when Jongin tries to approach him every day for the week. Sometimes it’s at the house, sometimes it’s on the way to work and sometimes it’s in the parking lot again.
Sehun doesn’t respond to his advances but Jongin is always the determined sort.
Sehun just doesn’t know what is there to be said at this point.
Sehun can barely get his thoughts straight much less deal with his heart ache, or make any decisions.
Jongin thinks Sehun wants to leave him.
Sehun has no such intention. Simply because Sehun can barely think about any of this.
What is life without Kim Jongin?
Sehun can’t even conceive the thought.
Whatever he is doing, he doesn’t understand the gravity of it.
Admittedly, it’s not the first time he has left to go stay with his brother, but it’s normally just for a night to let himself cool down away from the bubbling tense environment and the anger that wants to control him.
Jongin normally comes by with bubble tea and an apology, one that Sehun will also reciprocate, because no matter what happens, it takes two people to make something go wrong in a relationship and some make up sex later, and they will be even more in love.
It has obviously been more than a night.
Sehun doesn’t actually know what he is doing.
What is there that Jongin should apologize for? Is this even something an apology can fix? What is it that Sehun should be sorry for? For loving his husband and being faithful to him?
What did he do wrong?
For not being enough for his husband that he had to go outside their marriage for sex? For intimacy? For emotional attachment?
Sehun doesn’t even know.
He had blanked out most of Jongin’s words after the initial confession. He doesn’t even know what his husband has dirtied their marriage for. What was it that was so great that Jongin could jeopardize the most important thing in Sehun’s life for?
Sex?
Is that all?
Sehun feels sick again.
He hasn’t been well since he heard those words.
And he doesn’t know if he ever will be again.
*****
Jongin’s persistence does pay off.
Sehun didn’t even know his husband could be such a good stalker. You live and learn as they say.
Jongin has called him nonstop for days and left a million messages. He has even gotten into a little skirmish with Luhan and been arrested twice, but that didn’t stop him.
Sehun’s resolve is no match for his either.
He grabs Sehun’s hand as Sehun takes a walk through the park.
He is looking for a new location for a prospective shoot that he had upcoming. The studio locations don’t suit his taste and Yifan had given him to okay to try to find something outdoors that more in line with what he has in mind, once of course he doesn’t blow the budget.
The park near his alma mater is what he immediately thought of.
What is else can reflect young love?
The young couples from the university are scattered around in make shift panics and impromptu study sessions in the warm fleeting sunshine, gazing at each other, their whole lives ahead of them.
In his stroll he remembers the days when Jongin and him would sit on those same benches after long days at the university and eat cheap convenience store ice cream.
His feet follow the same old paths on instincts, unconsciously following in the steps of his younger self, his memories leading him without him really noticing.
He draws his hands around himself as the memories hit and gasp when the man that never leaves his thoughts appear before him.
There is nowhere to run now and Sehun doesn’t try.
Years with Jongin makes it clear to him that he can’t escape, not if Jongin wants something. Jongin is not just obstinate, he is borderline obsessive in achieving his goals. Sehun once found that to be an admirable quality.
They were both so very ambitious.
Now he doesn’t know what this characteristic incites, but he doesn’t bother to fight Jongin when he holds his wrist and walks along a path.
It’s a familiar one too.
Jongin sits him down on a very special bench and Sehun’s eyes water.
He doubts Jongin remembers this place, even if he should.
It is a place that holds many memories for Sehun, a place that his life changed forever.
He can still see it before his eyes.
He was twenty one then, just finished with his final exams after the most hellish month of his life till that point. He had spent days studying and Jongin had kidnapped him after his final exam and boyishly charmed him into going out with him.
Sehun then had only wanted to sleep for the rest of his life.
He couldn’t say no to Jongin though. He never could, no matter what it was and especially not when Jongin smiled at him like that. With the big brown innocent eyes and the pull of those very kissable plush lips. Sehun was putty in his hands, agreeing to this new little adventure.
Which in the end, didn’t even end up being much of an adventure, Jongin taking him on the most cliché date ever. First to the cinema to see some movie that Sehun fell asleep in the middle of and drooled on Jongin’s shoulder in and then Jongin had brought him convenience store ice cream from the old shop on the other side from the small park and led them to their bench.
The fourth path on the left from the Northern entrance, the fourth bench along the path.
Sehun had taken to munching on his ice cream with Jongin beside him doing the same, until Jongin spoke.
“Ever thought about what type of wedding you want?” Jongin had asked casually, still aimlessly leaning against the back of the bench, spread out lazily, biting into his ice cream.
“No, not really” Sehun had answered off handed.
He had thought about getting married obviously. The person on the other side of him was always Jongin, but that was not a thought that he shared with Jongin. He just figured that they would get there one day.
And well, his incredible taste aside, he wasn’t really one to plan abstract things. He didn’t give it much thought.
The question itself was random, but that was usually how it was with him and Jongin. They spoke about any and everything. That was the foundation of their relationship.
He didn’t give it much thought.
Not even when Jongin leaned forward and grabbed his hand, Sehun giving him a confused look, even with his ice-cream half bitten and hanging dumbly from his mouth.
Then Jongin did the least expected thing ever.
He spread Sehun’s fingers out straight before he slipped a ring onto his ring finger.
A simple silver band.
A beautiful promise ring
“Maybe you should” Jongin suggested with a shrug before he released Sehun’s hand and bit into his ice cream.
Sehun swallowed nosily as he looked down at his hand.
“Seems like I need to” Sehun agreed with a small smile.
“Might be a good idea. I don’t think I can wait too long” Jongin said with a smile of his own.
“We’ll see” is all Sehun responded with before he gave up the charade and tackled his new fiancée with a kiss.
Jongin then went on to make a big over the top proposal at Sehun’s graduation party, probably just to piss Luhan off, his brother planning the party for months, and not liking the fact that Jongin sold his thunder and well, not really wanting Sehun to say yes even if it was a forgone conclusion to anyone that had ever met them that Sehun was ridiculously in love with the charismatic brat. It was loud and dramatic and involved dance routines and cheesy love songs and if Sehun recalls some confetti as well. Sehun just laughed his ass off.
Whenever anyone asks how Jongin proposed, they would share a small smile
A secret between them
As he sits on their bench, he wonders if Jongin even remembers that moment. Did his heart still thump and his chest burn from the happiness of the memory? Or is it tainted by the darkness that all things related to Jongin seems to attract as well?
Sehun wants to know but he can’t bring himself to ask.
Not when Jongin drops to his knees before him, clasps Sehun’s hands in his as Sehun stares at their joined hands.
“Thank you for talking to me” Jongin begins nervously and Sehun hasn’t seen him this way ever.
Or at least not when it comes to him.
Sehun is normally kissing him to calm when a performance has him nervous and high strung and being overcome by the jitters, even if there never is any reason to be. No one is better at dancing than he is and Sehun doesn’t even think he is just being biased.
Jongin wasn’t even nervous when he proposed or on their wedding day.
This is all so very strange.
Sehun doesn’t respond.
“I’m sorry Sehunnie…I can’t explain to you how sorry I am”
“I know I am asking for a lot…but please….Sehun…come back home”
“I can’t breathe without you”
“I miss you so much it’s a physical pain”
Jongin speaks softly, his voice barely above a whisper, tears streaming down his face.
They match the tears that spill from Sehun’s eyes too.
The words strike Sehun like a bullet. They are not new or strange or unexpected but seem to reflect all the things Sehun feels as well.
The way he misses Jongin is unnatural.
He can’t think, can’t sleep or eat; can’t even breathe, with the way he misses his husband.
Jongin is not just his soulmate, he is part of him, the reflection of his soul, and the piece of him he needs to be complete, the part that makes him whole, the part that he needs to survive.
He is not truly alive without Jongin. He is just going through the motions. A lifeless shell.
Without Jongin, his soul is not with him.
“Please Sehun...”
“I know I have hurt you...”
“I know I am all those things Luhan hyung says I am”
“I know you probably hate me right now….but”
“Please Sehun….come back home……..come back to me”
Jongin begs, his voice broken and the sorrow and tears make him barely distinguishable.
Sehun understands him though.
“Sehun….Baby…”
“I can’t live without you”
“I love you Sehunnie”
“Please come back”
Jongin continues as Sehun just listens, hastily wiping the tears that don’t seem to want to stop and Jongin is choking on his misery.
“Please Sehunnie….please”
“I’m begging you…please come home with me”
“Please…I love you…I’m so sorry….Sehun…please”
Jongin continues to repeat in a desperate mantra, the weakness of the most wretched days in his life catching up with him as he collapses into Sehun’s lap sobbing into his thighs.
Sehun just strokes through his dark hair and cries with him.
*****
“You can’t be serious Sehun” Luhan dismisses with budding anger.
The cup in his hand thumps violently against the table as he releases it, boring into Sehun, who flinches at the look even after he promised himself he wouldn’t.
“I am” Sehun with all the certainty he can muster, which is not very much.
“I love him Hyung” Sehun says tiredly, expecting this conversation to be hell, but still feeling drained by it.
“No matter what I do, I miss him and I love him” Sehun continues with all the strength he has, trying not to be intimidated by Luhan’s displeased incredulous look.
“Did you forget what that bastard did to you? How he hurt you?” Luhan questions roughly, whatever possible patience he might have had being disintegrated by the utter nonsense Sehun seems to be saying.
“No” Sehun answers simply.
He doesn’t think it will ever be something that he can forget.
“He cheated on you Sehunnie”
“Five years of marriage to the most beautiful amazing person alive meant nothing to him”
Luhan points out somewhat meanly in Sehun’s opinion, but Sehun knows that the anger detected is not for Sehun but Sehun’s hapless husband.
Luhan is very straight forward.
Had been that way since Sehun can remember. Luhan wounds with his words, but there is no malice there. Luhan means well and no matter what, there is truth there. This Sehun cannot deny.
“You can’t go back Sehun. You just can’t” Luhan insists, this time looking less enraged and just worried.
“I won’t let you” Luhan says almost sadly as he reaches for Sehun’s hand.
Sehun offers a small smile at the emotion shared between them, but he is afraid that he is not going to listen to his brother this time.
He rarely does when Kim Jongin is the one involved admittedly.
“I know you are worried about me Hyung” Sehun begins and Luhan squeezes his hand tightly, though he lets Sehun continue.
“I …just……..don’t know how to live without him” Sehun confesses as he stares into the murky brown water of his tea.
“I don’t know how to live a life without him……”
“He has been with me for so long Hyung”
“He is the same to me as you….part of myself.”
“I miss him Hyung. I miss him so much that I feel like I am dying without him Hyung” Sehun says as the tears stream down his face, as his heart clenches and his body feels weak.
“Please Hyung…….”
“I have to try”
“He is my husband……..I love him……love him so much”
“I need him Hyung”
Sehun loses it entirely then, the tears pouring as he cries and cries and Luhan gives up his anger to wrap his arms around Sehun and hold him close as he cries his eyes out once more.
Luhan grumbles death threatens and violent promises beneath his breath but he doesn’t fight with Sehun anymore. He just holds him close and promises to take care of him, even as Sehun clings to him throughout the night.
In the darkness, with his last conscious thought, Sehun knows what he must do.
It’s not an easy decision but Sehun has to try.
He has to give it a chance to go back to normal.
He needs Jongin and Jongin needs him.
That’s all there is to it.
*****
Jongin is cautious around him, always on egg shells, afraid to speak, afraid to even breathe too loudly.
He mostly just stares at Sehun as if he has never seen him before, as if Sehun is some strange brilliant star that has descended from the heavens.
It’s strange and awkward and weird.
Luhan had been very unhelpful, entirely against Sehun going back home but he had held his tongue as best as he could. Sehun knows it’s mainly because of Yifan, his brother in law of sorts trying his best to run interception. Yifan is not in favour either even if he doesn’t say so in so many words, his eyes speak well enough. He doesn’t impede Sehun though.
Luhan has promised ten ways to Sunday to maim Jongin and Sehun is pretty sure he is going to keep it. It’s why he asked Yifan to drive him over to his house with Jongin instead of his brother, who ranted and raved for a while about how despicable Jongin was -Just for your information Sehun!
Sehun didn’t contradict him.
What can he say anyway?
Jongin had greeted him at the door, but he had not tried to get close, not after Sehun had unconsciously leaned away from his touch. He had smiled at Sehun though, fake and pretentious and it crawled Sehun’s blood.
The first meal is an awkward tense affair. Sehun doesn’t know what to say. What do they talk about now? Are their interest the same anymore? Are they even that close?
Years of friendship seems to have been obliterated and Sehun carefully chews on his meat. Jongin had pointed out a few times playfully that Sehun was worse than a kid when he ate.
Who knows?
Maybe that is one of the reasons he decided that Sehun alone wasn’t good enough for him.
He feels self-conscious and uncomfortable now. Something he never thought possible around Jongin, but then again he never thought his husband would ever cheat on him either.
There is so much to life he supposes.
They finish in silence, a new characteristic of their marriage.
It feels like a sham, but Sehun keeps that thought to himself. He keeps all of his thoughts to himself, burying them all inside him as he tries not to let Jongin see how everything freaks him out.
He knows Jongin is doing the same.
After so many years he knows when his husband is faking a smile, knows when he is being disingenuous, or at least he used to know.
He didn’t for one second think Jongin was cheating on him, or doubted when he said Sehun was the only one for him, so really, what does he actually know?
Their bed makes him feel queasy, his mind wondering if that someone else had been laid on it the way Sehun has been, if someone else has clutched onto those same sheets the way Sehun has countless times, did someone else stare up to the specially patterned ceiling in blinding pleasure the way Sehun has done for years.
He throws up in the bathroom and ignores Jongin’s worried eyes that never leaves him.
Jongin asks if he is alright but Sehun doesn’t answer.
He just slips away to the guest bedroom and closes the door behind him.
He can hear Jongin outside the door, can hear him pacing and can just see him contemplating if he should enter, if he should force Sehun to speak.
Sehun doesn’t wait for him to decide, he cuddles into the cold lifeless unused sheets and forces his eyes shut and thinks of a time when Jongin’s mere presence made Sehun’s world a better place, made Sehun feel complete and whole.
*****
They continue that way for weeks.
Sehun spends most of his time at work, not out of necessity really, just out of fear.
He doesn’t want to go to that suffocating place.
The walls always feel like they are closing on him and he hates the way that Jongin looks at him, like if he is a caged animal that will bolt at any second.
Except.
Maybe that is why he finds every possible reason to stay at work, so that he doesn’t have to return to that cage that he once called home.
Jongin has been trying hard to make things better or at least he has tried to maintain this false status quo as best as possible. He never acknowledges the awkwardness and tried to act as casual as possible, but it just makes Sehun feel even more uncomfortable.
Sehun still sleeps in the guest bedroom and Jongin pretends that he doesn’t care. Sehun pretends he doesn’t know that Jongin feels disheartened by it.
Jongin tries not to touch him too much, especially since Sehun has flinched at his touch a few times. He just speaks about nothing until the awkwardness swallows him and he doesn’t speak at all.
Sehun speaks to Luhan daily and lies to his brother.
He promises him that all his well and he is happy.
He is not.
He feels like he is being tortured, that he is being killed a slow excoriatingly painful death, but this he does not share with his brother. He is sure Luhan will just try to kill Jongin for it and this time, he doesn’t think it’s Jongin’s fault really.
Not in that way.
This is Sehun’s fault.
Something in him has changed. Whatever happened before just can’t be washed away, can’t be forgotten. It broke something inside of Sehun and the wound it left just keeps growing and growing. Sehun thought maybe living with Jongin would make him whole again, but instead it is just breaking him apart.
He tries though.
That is what Sehun does. He tries and tries and that is what he is going to do no matter what.
If he doesn’t try then that means he is giving on and if there is one thing Oh Sehun can NEVER do, it is give up on Kim Jongin, its stop loving and missing Kim Jongin.
*****
It’s late.
That is what Sehun thinks as he watches the seconds on the clock tick by.
Jongin isn’t home yet.
Sehun still has the habit of waiting on him. It’s one of the many habits that has helped them co-exist, even if they don’t seem able to connect at all any more.
Sehun does what he has always done.
He cleans up after Jongin and himself, he buys groceries and he eats whatever Jongin makes them for breakfast and dinner. He washes their clothes and pays the bills and Jongin reads the same books and Sehun watches the same dramas.
Once they might have done some of those things together, with boisterous laughter and annoying moments of affection. Now, it’s mostly in silence, and with limited touches.
Jongin still kisses his cheek when he leaves home and Sehun tries not to tense at the action now, aware that it’s more habit than intent and he doesn’t know if that is a good or bad thing.
Some things cannot leave him though. The things that have always been part of his marriage and waiting for Jongin on days that his husband works late and he just happens to be home is one of those things.
Normally he spends the time reading his magazines or catching up on celebrity gossip or watching his dramas.
Today he sits on the same armchair that has a distinct place in his most vivid memories and stares at the door, as he lets his mind bombard him with strange frightening thoughts that feel foreign to him.
Bitter and dirty and unfamiliar, but strong and destructive.
Jongin is not home.
Sehun would have once, simply worry about his husband, worry that he is working himself to death again, that he is lost in his work and dead to the world, wonder if his body hurts, wonder if he is taking enough fluids, worry that he is hurting his back.
Now Sehun has different thoughts, different worries.
Is Jongin really at work?
Or is he seeing that someone else?
Is his husband cheating on him?
Is he breaking Sehun’s trust again? Is he making a fool out of Sehun?
Is he kissing someone else the way he kisses Sehun? Is he saying those same cheesy love confessions? Is he smiling at him the same way he smiles at Sehun?
Is he making a mockery of Sehun’s love and trust and commitment whilst Sehun just sits here and wait for him as he always done?
Is Jongin being unfaithful?
The thoughts swirl around in his mind for hours and what is the most frightening part of it all is that Sehun really doesn’t have the answer any more.
A couple of months ago he wouldn’t have ever even had those thoughts.
And he always knew the answer.
Kim Jongin loved him and would never hurt him, would never break his trust.
This is not the same Kim Jongin anymore and Sehun really can’t have any certainty in that regard.
Sehun can’t have faith in his husband, he can’t blindly trust him anymore.
Sehun swallows the bile and closes his eyes.
The visions before his eyes are no less poisonous.
His husband with his arms wrapped around another, lips pressed against someone else’s, hands that grip onto skin that looks nothing like Sehun’s, that stare into eyes that could never be Sehun’s.
Sehun feels weak.
He tries to distract himself but nothing works. No matter what his thoughts cannot be changed.
As the seconds trickle by they get more intense, more vicious and demanding.
Where is he? Is he with that person? Is he cheating again? Why hasn’t he called? What is he doing? Is he defiling our marriage whilst I sit here and wait for him? Is this what my love is worth?
Is this my marriage?
Sehun doesn’t cry today. He simply refuses to. He has shed enough tears for Kim Jongin.
*****
Jongin walks through the door, barely conscious at some time after three in the morning.
Sehun is still seated where he was, staring at the door, eyes bloodshot and his mind in a deep dark place.
Jongin barely notices him at first, tiredly pulling his shoes and coat off, his clothes wet and dirty with sweat and he is barely standing upright properly.
He smiles when he sees Sehun though.
A bright warm beautiful smile and something in Sehun breaks.
“You should have gone to bed”
Jongin says with mild chastisement.
His eyes say something else entirely.
Sehun knows Jongin is happy to see him. Jongin thinks it’s Sehun returning to him, thinks its things going back to the way it was, Sehun waiting up to greet him whenever he would get home.
Sehun wants it to that way too.
It’s not though.
It just isn’t.
“You’ll be a mess tomorrow. You really should have gotten some sleep” Jongin continues as he yawns, walking over to Sehun.
“Let’s go to bed Baby” Jongin says just as he leans downwards to press a kiss to Sehun’s cheek.
Its habit. A familiar scene playing out as it had for years.
Except.
Sehun snaps.
He pushes Jongin away violently and runs for the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
He sinks to the floor and cries like the broken man he is.
When his husband had approached him, all he could wonder was if Jongin was with someone else. Was he having sex with someone else whilst Sehun sat here? Was he tired because of that someone? Was he out betraying him, braking his trust?
Making a fool out of Sehun and his love?
When his lips touched Sehun’s skin, all he could think about in that split second, was whether or not those same lips touched someone else tonight. Did he use the same endearment? Did he call that bitch ‘Baby’ too? Does he smile at him that way too?
Sehun can’t do this anymore. He just can’t.
Before the world was crumbling. Today it’s been annihilated.
*****
“Sehun!”
“Baby”
“Sehun …Please”
“Open the door Baby”
“Please stop crying”
Jongin bangs against the door desperately but all he gets in response is the sound of Sehun sobbing violently.
Jongin is freaked out.
Even more than he was when he had confessed his sins.
There is something different in Sehun’s eyes.
He has finally made the light go out and Jongin is barely holding himself together, the cries stuck in his throat as he lets his fear run his actions.
This will end very badly. He just knows it.
His hands hurt as well as his throat but today he can’t give up. If he doesn’t get to Sehun now he may never get that chance again.
Jongin will not lose Sehun.
He cannot.
He simply cannot.
*****
After what feels like a lifetime, Sehun’s tears finally dry up and Jongin runs out of energy, slumped against the back of the door, mumbling delirious apologies and confessions of love as he teeters the line of sanity.
Sehun wipes his eyes and leans against the door.
He stares at the walls around him and let the memories wash over him.
He allows a shy smile to pass his lips as he remembers the number of times he and Jongin had tried to get dressed around each other in here and more prominently, the times they actually did more undressing than dressing, the quite intimacy of soaking in their tub together, the slow caresses and the warm heat of making love or the burning lust of a quick fuck in the shower.
All are precious memories to him.
All shared with a man that he loved and trusted.
One of those things no longer exist anymore and Sehun doesn’t know if it will ever come back.
*****
Jongin falls to the ground when Sehun eventually emerges, his eyes red and his face swollen.
He calmly walks passed Jongin and wordlessly reaches for his bag, carelessly this time packing up the things he can’t bear to leave behind.
“Sehun…” Jongin begins cautiously.
His voice is raw as Sehun’s throat feels and Sehun doesn’t look back. Doesn’t look at him.
He can’t.
He will break his resolve and Sehun can’t be like that anymore.
“Please don’t leave Sehun ah”
“Whatever it is I did, I’m sorry”
“Please don’t leave me Sehunnie”
“Please………I’ll do anything….Sehun…please”
Jongin begs without an ounce of shame, without pride or ego or conscience, just a desperate man begging for the love of his life to stay at his side, to stay in his arms and with his love.
Sehun breaks his promise to himself.
The tears tumble down his cheeks as they had been for weeks, but he doesn’t stop his packing, doesn’t change his mind.
Jongin approaches him, but stops when Sehun looks up to meet his eyes.
Whatever Jongin sees there makes him pause, makes his heart shatter and his stubbornness crumble.
He sits on the bed instead and watches Sehun like a broken man.
Sehun doesn’t take much.
He doesn’t really know what he should take. His clothes are expensive but are easily replaceable. His trinkets are scattered everywhere, so are his books and his possessions.
In the end he takes a few gifts from the same man he is running away from, and few pieces of his comfort clothes, sentimental jewellery and last but not least, his plushies.
Two.
One he had as child that Jongin teased him forever for until Sehun confessed that his mother gave it to him as a child and he couldn’t sleep without it.
His Pinku Pinku.
And one more.
One Jongin had given to him in their first year together, randomly.
A “Nini Bear”
…or at least that is what Sehun calls it.
Jongin had laughed boyishly when he gave it to him. Its childish he said, but at least you can always have part of me with you when I’m not there.
Sehun had missed it nearly as much as he missed his husband.
With those few things and some his pride can’t admit to, he reaches for his cellphone.
One ring. Two rings. Three rings.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Calling a person at four fucking am?”
“Hyung” Sehun says.
“Come get me”
“I’ll be right there” comes the immediate response.
Sehun can feel his husband’s eyes on him and his knees feel weak, just like the rest of him.
All Sehun wants to do is crawl up in his husband’s arms and cry for a lifetime.
He can’t do that though.
Not anymore.
With a deep breath and all the resolve he can possibly muster he finally turns to his husband.
The sight of him makes Sehun’s heart crack.
Yet.
What difference it makes? It’s powdered dust in his chest anyway.
Jongin can’t possibly break it anymore he reminds himself.
The ache at the sight of him is very real though.
He supposes no matter what happens going forward, Kim Jongin will be the man he loved with all his heart. His first love and once he thought, his last too.
The way he feels now, he thinks it might just still be that way.
He loves him so much he could drown in it, dive in the ocean and be entirely surrounded by it. It is strong and true and beautiful. And wants more than anything for it to stay that way.
Which is why he has to do this.
He wants the love he feels for Jongin to be pure, to be perfect and beautiful.
Jongin may have chosen to sully it, to defile their marriage and destroy Sehun’s trust but Sehun wants to hold his memories in what is left of his heart and cherish them forever.
He wants the good. Wants it to be the way it is.
If he continues this way, then the good will be darkened by the bad. He will have never forget sitting on that chair and waiting for his Jongin, and instead of wondering if his precious husband is working too hard, if he is thinking about Sehun, he wondered if his husband is out there fucking someone else.
Sehun doesn’t want that.
That is to be his first memory like that and the last too.
“I can’t do this anymore Jongin”
Sehun says as he looks at anything but his husband.
“Sehun…please…I”
Sehun just shakes his head and shuts his eyes, feeling the tears slide down his face and his chest aches as if he were being stabbed with a poisoned knife.
“I’m sorry Jongin”
Sehun says softly.
“I just can’t do this” Sehun continues as he swallows, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries his best not to look at his husband.
Not to meet the eyes of the man he has loved since he was sixteen years old.
“I can’t sit here and wonder every time you leave if you are out there fucking someone else”
Sehun breathes out as he exhales.
The misery is choking him but he needs to get these words out.
“If you are out there making a fool out of me and my love”
“If you are throwing our marriage aside as if it means nothing to you”
“If you are dismissing eleven years for a quick fuck with some bitch”
Sehun says it all in a rush, knowing that any second he is going to give in to the weakness, give in to his sorrow and just collapse into another weeping mess.
Even now, he thinks Jongin’s arms are the only place he wants to be when that happens.
“I’m sorry Jongin”
Sehun hiccups as he moves to step away.
He doesn’t care if Luhan is here or not. He will walk if he has to. He just can’t stay here.
He can feel Jongin’s eyes on him, feel the way the room swirls in shared sadness and he can’t deal with it.
He just can’t.
“I love you….”
Sehun whispers, but he knows Jongin hears him.
“I love you more than anything on this earth….”
Sehun confesses as the room seems to be closing in on him.
“But…I can’t do it Jongin”
“I can’t be married to someone I don’t trust”
Sehun weeps openly at that last confession, the sound that leaves his throat is pitiful and embarrassing but he can’t be bothered.
He is saying goodbye to his life. To his marriage. To the man that he had planned forever with.
The man he wanted to be a father to his children. The man he wanted to die beside.
What could he possibly care about now?
“I don’t trust you”
Sehun weeps pitifully at his own words.
The thing he had wanted to ignore, the very thing he had stifled since Jongin first said those words to him has finally reared its ugly head.
No matter how much he pretends it doesn’t exist or how much he wills it to leave him be, it’s the one thing he can’t escape. No matter what he tells himself, that is the truth that he would have eventually had to accept.
As much as he loves his husband, he just doesn’t trust him.
Before, as a shy cautious teenager that was the first thing that drew him to deeper feeling with Jongin. How easy it was to trust him, to put his faith in Jongin, to know that Jongin would always love him, never hurt him.
He could put his head on a block for Jongin, stand in front a bullet for him. That was how much he trusted him.
Now, he can’t even look at Jongin and not wonder if he is betraying him.
Sehun loves Jongin. He will probably love him his entire life. No matter how this ends, Sehun knows that the man before him is his soulmate. He may move on one day, who knows, but no one will ever be as close to his heart as Jongin.
There are just things you just know in your life and Sehun knows without a shadow of doubt that Jongin is his soulmate. The piece of himself that makes him whole.
Yet.
Just as he just knows that Jongin is his destined other half, he knows he can no longer just trust in Jongin.
That hurts the most honestly.
Sehun, despite it all, loves his husband and he never wants that to change.
That is Sehun’s biggest fear now. That he will hate Jongin, that all his good memories will be tainted by the filth that Jongin brought to their marriage. Sehun will never let that happen.
Leaving now is his way of saving what was great between then.
At least the ‘before’ will always be something he can always cherish. Something that he won’t let get tainted by this bitter ‘after’ that he forcing himself to survive through.
He walks over to Jongin and kisses the side of his lips, maybe for the last time, before he walks out the door.
Each step heavier than the last and Sehun feels like he is disintegrating.
Is this really goodbye?
*****
Jongin watches him go but doesn’t move.
He is numb and lifeless. He can’t make his chest exhale, much less get his legs to move. He is numb and broken and faint and he doesn’t know what to do.
What can he do?
What can he possibly say to Sehun now? What can make what he did right? What can take it all back and let it go back to the way it was before? What can make Sehun trust him again?
He hates himself so much in this minute, if he could he would rip the skin from his flesh, wash it in acid and melt it away. Wash away the part of him that has sinned, break each and every finger that touched someone that wasn’t his husband, rip the limbs from his body that were audacious enough to caress skin that would never be as soft as Sehun’s, gorge out eyes that gazed upon a body that was not the love of his life.
If he could he would.
He really would.
There is nothing he can do now though. That crushing feeling that is stifling him is the recognition that he has kicked his own blessing away from him. With his own hands and weak mind he has broken the heart of the most precious person to exist. With his own dirty callous undeserving hands he has destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to him, has tossed his happiness way and wrecked his life.
Sehun’s words cut deep into his heart and into his soul.
He knows Sehun. He knows that look in his eyes and that steel in his voice.
Jongin is bad at words. He never knows what to say, what he should utter in any situation, much less this one. What could he possibly say that will make Sehun reconsider? He loves him? Of course he does, but he didn’t show it in the right way did he? You don’t show your love by banging your business partner behind your husband’s back.
Jongin is not blind to his sins.
He hates himself more that Sehun could ever hate him, could ever scorn him. Even now he feels like a wretched pitiful fucker for being brazen enough to even ask Sehun to stay at his side. Sehun is an angel from the seventh heaven. He should never have even bestowed his grace to Jongin’s undeserving eyes, much less share in it with him.
He is shameless to even gaze upon Sehun, much less have the audacity to ask Sehun to forgive him for the crime he committed.
He is despicable and disgusting. He knows it himself.
Yet.
He is despicable enough to be brazen in his selfishness and desperation. As wrong as it, he wants Sehun so much he aches for him. He loves him more that he has ever loved anything on this earth. Even his art, even performing. He loves Sehun more that he can ever explain.
But not enough not to hurt him it seems.
Sehun is right to ask those questions. Jongin himself asks himself the same thing. What could possibly possess you to hurt someone as precious as Sehun? There is nothing on this earth that is comparable to Sehun and his love.
Yet Jongin has let it all slip through his fingers.
Always too stupid, too thoughtless and naïve.
Sehun is not though. Sehun is intelligent and brilliant and logical and careful when need be. It’s that sensibility that has ensured that Sehun looked at him that way, lifeless and most importantly without that spark that has burned in Sehun’s eyes for as long as Jongin can remember.
Sehun has made a decision. However hard and painful it was, Sehun has steadied his mind and fortified his resolve. It was something that Jongin loved about Sehun. The way he would be firm in his goals and strong in his convictions.
Today Jongin hates it the most. Hates how his beloved has steeled his heart and fortified his mind, hates how Sehun has turned away from him.
Sehun has finally given up on him.
Sehun is not coming back.
Jongin falls to his knees and just weeps.
And weeps.
And weeps.
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