#24 This Long Journey Home {5/7}
Sehun turns the key in the lock cautiously.
It’s been so long since he has last been here. Everything feels foreign, as if he hasn’t lived here for at least five years. He isn’t even sure if his keys will work. They might have been changed.
He holds his hand on the last turn, taking a fortifying breath, steeling his mind and calling forth all his conviction and courage.
He isn’t sure about this. Isn’t sure he is ready to deal with the consequences of his decisions, isn’t sure he is making the right choices, if he is in the right place, with the right thoughts.
Its nerve wrecking and Sehun nearly turns around and leaves.
The darkness of the night welcoming him back into their recesses and he can retreat to his new home and forget about this all.
Except he can’t.
So, slowly he builds his courage and does what he is here to do.
The door turns and he takes one tentative step inside and then gasp.
What the fuck happened here?
Everything is a total mess. The floor is covered in clothes and thrash and dishes and things are scattered everywhere. There are also countless alcohol bottles, some spilled and some shattered. There are holes in the walls and his vases are in pieces on the floor, glass shards and ruins.
This is nothing like the home he remembers.
Jongin is not exactly the neatest person out there, but he is no slob either. He would have never let the place get like this in usual circumstances.
Sehun’s chest hitches.
There are blood stains leading away from the glass shards too.
Cautiously he makes his way through the home, looking for the man that resides here, the man that he is here to speak to at the very least.
The kitchen is just the same, burnt pots and aged mess and Sehun can barely take the stench of it as he makes his way through the vacant rooms, all in a similar shape, rotting food or filthy clothes and empty alcohol bottles, a few half-filled scattered around in the chaos too.
Eventually he finds himself at his former bedroom, the room he shared with his husband. His last memory of the place is him hastily packing a bag and walking out on his husband as Jongin cried wordless on the bed.
He wondered then why Jongin didn’t try to stop him.
He might have stayed. Who knows?
That’s in the past now, a memory like all the others.
The door is unlocked and gives way easily.
What Sehun sees inside has tears springing from his eyes and his heart constricting in his chest.
This room is pristine in comparison to the others.
Sehun’s things are all kept in a guarded condition, all as if they were preserved.
His vanity is exactly the same, dusty but untouched.
It’s a little creepy honestly, how unencumbered this room is in comparison to the others, how his things look exactly as they were before he left. Even the book he was reading on the bedside table before he left the first time is exactly as it was.
He is sure he will find his clothes the same way.
He turns his attention however to the man on the bed and has a very hard time identifying him as his husband.
If that is Jongin, then Sehun doesn’t know what to do.
He looks sick and gaunt and miserable. His hair is overgrown and he looks like he hasn’t shaven in a while, his body much leaner than Sehun remembers and there are shredded blood stained bandages on the soles of his feet, dressed in old tattered sweats that have seen much better days.
He hasn’t moved since Sehun came in.
From the bottle of booze on the bed, he is likely passed out drunk.
Sehun sighs mightily, not for the first time wondering if he is doing the right thing, if he is making the right choice. If this is not something that he will regret, if it’s not just too fucking hard.
Sehun stares at him for a few minutes well, watching as he stretches and grunts lowly in his fitful sleep, watches the man he has loved since he was sixteen years old in what is probably the most pitiful state Sehun has ever seen him in.
Sehun feels no satisfaction.
Sehun heart aches instead. It burns and floods and Sehun’s stomach is acidic as he is legs seem to lock together. The tears tug at his throat and he forcibly swallows at that lump.
This can’t be Jongin.
This just cannot be his Jongin.
Sehun doesn’t know what spurs him into action honestly. It’s probably instinct, that annoying ingrained desire to protect Jongin, to love Jongin and take care of him. Whatever it is, it’s strong enough that he doesn’t even realize what he is doing until he is shedding his heavier outer clothing and crawling into bed with Jongin.
It reeks.
Everything does.
Jongin probably hasn’t showered in forever and he stinks of whiskey.
Even so, Sehun lets his instincts guide him and cuddles against his husband’s side, wilfully ignoring the scent and the disgusting feel of the sheets against his back, the awful hair and beard, moving until he is just beneath Jongin’s jaw, burying his nose into the musky scent of his throat, wrapping an arm loosely over Jongin’s much leaner form.
Sehun closes his eyes.
Until Jongin jerks when Sehun’s feet naturally tried to tangle with his.
Sehun opens his eyes to see a disoriented Jongin looking at him.
Then his husband grins dreamily.
“Sehunnie….baby….you’re here again” he mumbles in a mess of slurred words.
“I… have been…waiting for you” Jongin says again and Sehun wishes he wouldn’t.
His breath isn’t exactly pleasant.
“Shut up Jongin” Sehun says tiredly.
Jongin’s eyes go wide.
“Sehun!” he says in a panic, pulling a way little, confused.
Seems he has finally realized that Sehun isn’t a delusion, something he seems to have often given his initial reaction.
His husband hallucinates Sehun’s presence regularly in his drunken states. Sehun doesn’t know what he feels about that.
He reaches a hand out to touch Sehun’s arm and recoils as if burnt when it’s solid, when it doesn’t fade away.
“Sehun! You’re here. You’re really here!” he says nearly excitedly until Sehun gives him a trying look.
“Just shut up” Sehun instructs again, finding alcoholic Jongin to be very unpleasant.
He just hates how destroyed his husband has become.
This is never how Kim Jongin is supposed to be. Never ever. He feels guilty and then stupid for feeling that way, since it’s not his fault. Jongin did this to himself. Which somehow or the other makes it so much worse and Sehun is just fed up of conflicting feelings and thoughts and he really just wants it to stop.
He wants Jongin to just shut up and cuddle with Sehun so that he can finally sleep the way he has been longing to for nearly a year.
Is that too much to ask?!
“Sehun…” Jongin says cautiously.
Sehun doesn’t answer him. He just shifts, and grabs at Jongin’s arm, dragging him back to the bed and on his back.
Jongin looks at Sehun as if he is in awe, as if he is seeing an angel.
Sehun ignores him.
He just goes about finding his spot, until he decides that Jongin’s t-shirt is much too vile for him to rest against.
“Take it off” Sehun instructs, tugging at the shirt.
Jongin looks especially confused, his mind clearly not all there and still in awe that he is not dreaming, that Sehun is actually here.
He complies though.
Desperately at that and Sehun can see the way his face twists, the frantic way he wants to please him.
It hurts Sehun’s heart a little.
When he is finished Sehun doesn’t give him a chance to speak. He just tugs at his arm and Jongin falls back into place, though a little awkwardly.
Sehun just shifts until he is at his place, nose buried in the musky scented skin of Jongin’s throat.
It clear he hasn’t showered in a while and the alcohol is not pleasant either, but below all of that, Sehun smells his husband, the spicy rich scent that he has never forgotten and closes his eyes, the heat of Jongin’s naked skin burning him and he likes it.
It’s what he has missed for so long.
“Sehun…why…I’m” Jongin starts, seemingly unsure what he wants to say first, but Sehun silences him.
“Just sleep Jonginnie. Just sleep” Sehun instructs as he closes his eyes and gets his hand over his husband’s chest.
“Just close your eyes, close your mouth, wrap your arms around me and go to sleep” Sehun mumbles the last instruction, Jongin hesitantly doing as instructed.
Sehun tenses only for a minute at the touch, his mind reeling, but the part of him that his just happy to with his husband again ignores it.
Sehun presses a soft kiss against the spot he is pressed against and lets Jongin tense uneasy breathing lull him to sleep.
*****<
Sehun awakes much later, after a comfortable night’s sleep.
He doesn’t open his eyes, just stretching out his limbs, his mind too lazy as yet to chastise him for thinking that he has finally managed to get a good night’s sleep after such a very long time.
He doesn’t need to open his eyes to know that the sun is streaming in, this bedroom selected for that very reason, great with natural sun light, even if it’s awful for sleeping in. There are shades but Jongin has left them open, even though he is awake.
Sehun knows he is not on the bed with him but watching him from somewhere.
When Sehun does finally open his eyes, a glance at the bedroom clock confirms it’s after 10 in the morning, the longest uninterrupted sleep Sehun has had in months.
He then turns his attention to the man whose eyes he can feel on his every move.
Jongin is sitting on a chair taken from the corner, directly in front of the bed, curled up within himself. He is showered and shaved and dressed in a fluffy white sweater that Sehun got him as a Christmas present a few years back, in white pants, with his hair restrained in a small little tie at the back of his head.
His hands are folded across his lifted knees and his eyes peek out from behind them.
His face is still drawn, the stress lines apparent even from his peeking shy form, his face gaunt and his cheeks hallowed, his body especially lean and not in the good way, the bandages on his feet thankfully redone and honestly, all those things aside; he looks like Sehun’s husband now. He looks like the man Sehun married, like Kim Jongin.
That man before was a stranger.
The room is bathed in sunlight. The high rise windows are opened and cool fresh air floods the room, the liquor bottles on Jongin’s side of the bed gone, along with the dust and everything else that needed tidying.
The sheets have been changed too.
How Jongin did that without waking Sehun, Sehun has no idea whatsoever.
He is not especially a heavy sleeper, but honestly, he hasn’t sleep like that in so long, that he is not surprised nothing woke him.
Sehun looks straight ahead at Jongin’s peeking eyes. He wonders how long his husband has been watching him sleep. It seems to be a while.
Sehun isn’t ready to try speaking as yet, and it doesn’t seem like Jongin is either, always timid when it came to things like this, especially sober, which Jongin seems to be now.
Sehun just casually gets out of bed and Jongin moves quickly, looking terrified.
Sehun is confused only a minute before he realizes that Jongin thinks he is leaving. His throat is tight from disuse so he just points to the bathroom door and heads in that direction when he gets off the bed fully.
He pauses when he gets to the door.
The last time he was in this bathroom is not a pleasant memory.
Yet, the fact that he is here now is testament to the promise he made to get over it and that is what he must do.
He can still feel Jongin’s eyes following all his movement’s, hot and heavy on his form, though it is not possession or lust, its plain fear, afraid that if he closes his eyes or looks away, Sehun will disappear from his sight and his life.
There is much that will have to be fixed.
For now Sehun takes it one tiny step at a time.
He thinks it a miracle that he doesn’t instantly wonder if Jongin was intimate with someone else the minute he walked in, though it does come when he sees a toothbrush that isn’t his.
He hates that such a thing is his first thought now.
That Jongin is still cheating and his bitch left this here to taunt him.
That will take a long time to heal.
After a few breathes, his mind supplies that it is likely Joonmyeon’s or Taemin’s, both of who would have stayed over when they looked after Jongin.
One very early crisis averted.
Though he is sure that there will be many more to follow.
He reaches into the cabinet that he usually keeps his things and is only slightly surprised that it’s as he left it, barring one or two new additions that look like Joonmyeon’s.
It’s weird but he is glad that he wasn’t replaced.
He gets about freshening up, Jongin standing at the door looking at him wordlessly. Sehun finds it unnerving but leaves him for now, that is until he is ready to shower and take care of more personal business.
He just walks forward and gently closes the door in his face.
Thereafter he does what needs to be done, dripping water when he gets out after a quick shower, unable to find a towel on the rack where they usually are.
Well.
With Jongin so out of it, it’s no surprise laundry has fallen aside. He makes do with what he has, finding an old towel in the back of the cabinet that he hasn’t even seen in years, drying himself off before he leaves the bathroom with clothes in mind.
Jongin is sitting on the bed when he enters, eyes going wide at the sight of him, his cheeks turning a little red with a blush. Sehun nearly laughs. It’s not exactly a large towel admittedly.
He is flattered.
He is pleased that he can still have that effect on his husband, confirming one suspicion at least.
It wasn’t that Jongin didn’t find him attractive any more.
In fact Sehun worked out some of that anger and hurt at the gym over the months, his body in an even better state they say, tight abs and lean muscle. It didn’t really make much difference to him, but his last cover broke some records if he remembers correctly.
He has clothes here still, especially since he never came back to take any of them. He doubts sincerely that Jongin removed them and is proven correct when he opens the closet doors to find them all in place.
He still choses to wear some of Jongin’s, a grey sweater and a pair of jeans that are just a little bit too short.
Jongin is still red when Sehun turns around, looking away in embarrassment, shy that he was caught staring at Sehun as he dressed.
Sehun thought he would feel uncomfortable with things like that, but he doesn’t.
It all feels familiar and oddly as if he is stepping back into a place he belongs.
It’s different now though.
Before Jongin would have been cheekily tugging the sweater off and mumbling perverse things in his ear as naught hands roamed freely, now he sits reserved and closed in, shy that he was caught looking.
He wasn’t even like that when they began dating.
It’s new and strange, though not necessarily uncomfortable.
Sehun didn’t come here expecting things to be the same. That is impossible. It is something that he has not only come to terms with, but has fully accepted it.
It would be unnatural if it were the same.They are not the same anymore. Their marriage is not the same, so obviously, nothing can be the same anymore.
What’s important now though, is what they make of the present.
Sehun gives himself a once over, a force of habit, drags a hand through his now dark hair, a change from the blonde and all the other funky dyed colours he had, choosing to go back to a more natural look, chopped shorter, more boyish the stylist had said.
Sehun doesn’t dispute it.
It reminds him of simpler times. Times he wants again. Not a repeat or a regression, just that he wants to embrace that feeling again, strip away the additives and the excesses and just let himself feel it all.
He turns on his observer and casually approaches.
Jongin tenses as he nears him and whilst Sehun knows he should be worried about that fact, he can’t help but find it sort of cute.
It’s not something that he has ever experienced before.
He and Jongin didn’t ever go through an awkward shy stage in their relationship. It went from friendship to more and that was it.
Sehun reaches a hand out and takes his husband’s hand in his.
The palm is warm as it always is, coarse as well, different from Sehun’s. Always different. Jongin’s nervousness shows in the way his hand shakes. Sehun just slides his fingers down and clasps their hands together. After a few tense seconds and a deep heartfelt exhale from Jongin he grips back.
Sehun stares at the perfection of their joint hands for a minute and wills himself not to cry.
How much he has missed this.
Jongin mumble something inaudible and Sehun doesn’t bother to try and figure it out, he just tugs on their joint hands and leads them outside, to what he expects to be chaos.
It’s not.
The place is sparkling clean. The clothes removed, the thrash collected and everything back in its correct place more or less. The air is decidedly less rancid and the blinds are opened and the light bathes the rooms in freshness.
Jongin has definitely been busy.
Sehun nods his head in approval and heads straight for the kitchen.
He releases Jongin’s hand, only for the man to grab on desperately.
A look from Sehun has him pulling back instantly, sinking into himself and Sehun wants to sigh. This is awkward for him, adjusting to this new circumspect husband.
Quietly he points to a chair.
“Sit” he says and Jongin does.
Sehun then tries to get them breakfast.
The cupboards are bare but he does find some bread, which doesn’t look too old.
Jongin makes to help him but Sehun dismisses the idea wordlessly, setting the bread to toast and looking for some butter if there isn’t any jam.
He finds some that isn’t expired and a few packets of milk in the cupboard and gets to work with that.
In a few minutes he is placing a plate of toast and a glass of milk in front of Jongin and then himself and then he sits, ready to eat.
“Sehun” Jongin begins.
“Eat” is all that Sehun responses with and that is exactly what they do.
They share a quiet meal together.
Sehun revels in how comfortable this all is, how easy it is to come back and feel as if he is at home.
Home with Jongin. Where he belongs.
*****<
Sehun cleans up quickly.
Jongin is all nervous hands and scared eyes, falling over himself to be close to Sehun, yet at the same time he keeps his distance.
Sehun supposes Jongin is afraid to scare him away.
This time, it’s not going to happen.
Sehun has purpose and nothing stands in the way of a very determined Oh Sehun.
One way or another he is going to settle this today. He has spent too many long nights wallowing in misery, drowning in his own tears, torn by his choices and his omissions. He is not moving forward at all and he is not able to go back.
Sehun is tired of his time in purgatory, his state of limbo, neither forward nor backward, simply trapped.
One way or another this must come to an end. A decision has to be made and he is finally ready to acknowledge the mess his life has become and take responsibility for it. The time for running has come and gone.
It’s a true reckoning.
Whatever happens now, this is the end and a new beginning.
Sehun finishes up quickly with Jongin hovering as he has been since Sehun woke up. Sehun doesn’t comment on it as yet. He just continues his business, drying his hands in a make shift dishrag, until he finally walks to the living room.
The room doesn’t feel as heavy as it did on that night he notes thankfully. He hopes it means that he is improving, that he is healing, little at a time.
He chooses instead to head to the small gallery, with the large French windows and the flower pots. Except now all the flowers are dead and the blinds are drawn and the room dusty.
Sehun just draws the blinds open and lets the sunlight bathe the room. The windows can be opened and he does exactly that, wanting the wind to blow through the room and get rid of the musky scent of dust that stifles the air.
He finally takes a seat on the chair on the opposite side of the window, the air cool against his cheek and the sun just lightly reaching him.
Jongin leans against the door way, hesitant.
“Come” Sehun says.
“Sit”
“We need to talk”
*****<
“I’m sorry Sehun”
“I’m so sorry”
“I don’t even know how to begin to tell you how sorry I am. How much I regret it all”
“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry”
Jongin says desperately, his hands wringing together and his eyes reddening as he repeats the words in agitation, not brave enough to look into Sehun’s eyes, though he does sit beside him, after Sehun prompted him for the third time to do so, Jongin hesitant to get too close.
“Stop” Sehun says.
Jongin ceases immediately, drawing into himself even more.
Sehun sighs.
This is certainly not going to be an easy conversation.
Sehun doesn’t try to pacify him. He needs to have this conversation and right now he needs to take care of his own feelings first.
He is entitled to this moment of selfishness he thinks.
“Tell me why” Sehun instructs tensely.
“You never told me why” Sehun continues.
Jongin whines softly, the question making him uncomfortable clearly.
Sehun doesn’t care. He needs this question answered. Before he can go forward with his life, make any possible choice he needs to have this one question answered.
This very question has tortured him for months.
He needs an answer no matter what.
“Why?” Jongin repeats as if pained.
Sehun remains resolved to have his answer.
He sits silently as he waits.
What can he say moving forward if he does not get this answered?
“I…” Jongin eventually breaks the silence, his voice weak and barely audible, the difficulty apparent.
“I don’t know what to say….how to possibly explain this” Jongin mumbles, pained.
“Try” this is one thing Sehun has no intention of letting go.
“I don’t even know why anymore” Jongin sighs weakly, the frustration colouring his voice.
Sehun frowns deeply.
“Was it because I wasn’t good enough anymore?” Sehun questions softly, the words burning his throat and poisoning his heart.
“Was it because….”
Sehun chest tightens.
His eyes water and he forces himself not to cry, at least not as yet.
“Was it because I didn’t love you enough?” Sehun asks softly.
“Was it that….you didn’t find me attractive anymore?” Sehun asks, though this one he doesn’t believe, but maybe he is wrong.
He has been wrongs so many times, he is doubting so much now.
“What was it that I was lacking?” Sehun questions, voice shaking and throat burning from the emotion.
“Tell me Jongin”
“Tell me why you had to go to someone else”
“Why you had to break my trust and defile our marriage?” Sehun cries despite his best efforts to avoid that very thing.
He wanted this to be a civilized conversation. He wanted this to be two mature adults dealing with their issues in a logical manner. He didn’t want to be a crying mess, but he has already lost that battle.
He is a fool for ever thinking such a thing was possible.
This is not something that he could have ever kept emotion out.
“God Sehun!” Jongin says agitatedly.
“It’s not that”
“Not any of that. At all!”
“Please don’t ever say that…Don’t ever think that at all!”
“This is my fault Sehun” Jongin cries desperately.
“This my fault Sehun…all of this is my fault’’
“You did nothing wrong…you …”
“You’re perfect Sehunnie…perfect” Jongin sputters.
“You’re perfect…absolutely perfect….you have to believe me” Jongin insists.
“Then why did you cheat on me?” Sehun retorts bitterly.
Jongin gets stricken.
Then he moves faster than Sehun has ever seen him move in life, appearing before Sehun, falling onto his knees in front of Sehun, clutching at Sehun’s legs.
“Please Sehun…believe that” Jongin begs and Sehun’s heart hurts even more.
“Can’t you just tell me?” Sehun says as he reflexively reaches for Jongin’s head, stroking through the thick locks, the instinct to comfort is too strong to deny.
Comforting Jongin and comforting himself.
“I...”
“It’s because you are so perfect” Jongin mumbles into Sehun’s knee, where his head comes to rest.
“It’s because I am insecure and useless and dumb” Jongin confesses softly.
“You are perfect Sehun”
“Everything about you is perfect”
“You’re this exceptionally bright star that just gets brighter and brighter”
“So bright that you blind me” Jongin pauses then.
Sehun listens intently, silent tears streaming down his eyes.
How can someone that clearly adores him hurt him so much?
How can this be how love works?
“I was afraid Sehun” Jongin continues, swallowing the lump in his throat.
“I was afraid that you would continue to shine, that you would get so bright that I won’t be able to touch you, to hold on to you” Jongin confesses.
Sehun cries even more.
How didn’t he know that Jongin felt this way?
How long has it been?
“I was afraid that you would …get tired of me” Jongin continues with obvious pain, his tears soft as they wet Sehun’s pants.
“Oh Jongin” Sehun stutters.
“Just…”
“I was afraid that you would just one day outgrow me”
“It already seemed that way to me”
“You were so busy achieving your goals and moving on….and I couldn’t help but feel that I had no place in your life anymore”
“I was stupid Sehun” Jongin says in despair as he looks up to meet Sehun’s red, tear streaked eyes.
“I didn’t want to be left behind”
“I thought that I shouldn’t be so intertwined with you…….”
“That you will leave me and when I won’t be able to live without you”
“Turns out I was right” Jongin chuckles humourlessly, more a croak than anything else.
“All I did in the end was prove that not only can’t I live without, I can’t even function without you” Jongin says bitterly.
“No matter what I do…..I will always be in love with you” Jongin grins stupidly, broken, looking manic with the way his eyes are red and his face streaked with tears.
Sehun doesn’t know what he could possibly say to that.
How did he not realize that Jongin felt that way?
More importantly, why does he feel that way?
“Jongin….” Sehun begins but stops, not sure how to formulate these words.
“Just…”
“Why would you feel that way?” Sehun questions slowly.
The words are hard to get passed his throat and even more difficult to deal with.
What could he have possibly done to have his husband think he would one day leave him? Did Jongin not know that Sehun’s world revolved around him?
In fact, he feels anger bubble in his chest.
“Why would you feel that way Jongin?”
“Why?”
“I just don’t understand it at all” Sehun rejects, finding this all very hard to accept.
“I was a fool for you”
“I would have done anything for you”
“I lived for you Kim Jongin” Sehun rants nearly, needing to get all of this off his chest.
“I would drop everything else for you. There was nothing more important to me than you”
“Nothing!” Sehun insists.
He feels enraged and terrified all at the same time. How could Jongin dare think something so ridiculous? How can he disregard Sehun’s love so easily? Sehun cries angry tears.
How can Jongin even question Sehun’s love for him?
Sehun is not being dramatic when he says he lived for Jongin. It’s no secret that Sehun is over attached and hopelessly in love. Hell!
Sehun has been Jongin’s since he was sixteen years old.
All he has ever wanted to do is make Jongin happy. He has done everything possible to shower Jongin in the immeasurable love he feels for him.
Sehun just thinks it outrageous that Jongin could even consider such a thing, much less believe it enough to act on it.
Sehun finds it despicable if he were honest.
It’s as if Jongin is entirely oblivious and uncaring that Sehun has loved him so much. He is dismissing Sehun’s endless love cheaply and Sehun kind of hates him in this minute.
“I know” Jongin says with a weird twisted hopeless smile as he looks at Sehun.
“And then one day you would resent me for it” Jongin says with resignation.
“You would hate me for it”
“Resent me for holding you back, hate me for tying you to me. Think that you wasted your time on someone like me for so long” Jongin speaks, bitterness ripe in his tone, his eyes blinking back tears that he is clearly trying to subdue.
Sehun just doesn’t understand.
“How could you possibly think that?” Sehun questions stubbornly.
He just can’t let this go. It’s so outrageously ridiculous to him.
“I did it everything I did because I wanted to do it Jongin!”
“You are insane to think I would do something I didn’t want to do”
“I made the choice Jongin. I chose to love you, to be with you”
“I made that choice when I was sixteen years old and there has not been a single day that I have regretted it…..not even when it hurt so much that I wanted to rip my own heart out …and then set yours on fire”
“All of it has been my choice Jongin”
“Mine”
Against better advice as well
Sehun vents, letting it all out now that he has the chance.
These are things that need to be said.
Things that Jongin apparently needs to hear. Sehun has no idea where Jongin got these crazy ideas from, but Sehun thinks it’s obviously his responsibility to have those insane thoughts dispelled.
Sehun has no idea what Jongin takes him for to be honest.
Sehun may rant and rave about being dragged into love. Feelings are things you can’t control. That much he knows the hard way, but whatever he did for Jongin is only because he wanted to do it. He stayed with Jongin because he wanted to be happy. Jongin makes him happy, helps him find his peace, completes him. He is selfish too. It’s not as if it’s a one sided trade. He doesn’t know what Jongin thinks this relationship is, what he alone gets from it, but Sehun does know that it’s not simply him giving alone. Whatever he gives to Jongin, he receives it to. Jongin makes him happy or at least he did, for a very long time. And whatever he did to make Jongin happy, is because Jongin is his husband, and Sehun is happy when he makes the person he loves happy. That is all there is to it.
For Jongin to think it something else annoys him unexplainably. He is not a dumb child, not someone easily manipulated. If he chooses to be with Jongin it is not because he doesn’t know better. It’s because he made a choice. One that he would have thought long and hard on.
Just being here now is a choice.
He could have ignored this all, turned his back on this torture, forced himself somehow or the other to let go of his husband.
Sehun is stubborn and wilful. If he truly wanted it then it would have been so.
He loves Jongin.
That may not always be in his control.
Being here however, acting on that love, pursuing that love, all of that is a choice he makes and he hates that Jongin takes that way from him with his strange reasoning.
God!
This is so frustrating.
“Since I was sixteen years old Kim Jongin”
“Since then I made my choice and that was to be at your side”
“How can you say something like that?”
“I just don’t get it”
Sehun angrily wipes his tears away.
Jongin curses under his breath.
“You won’t” Jongin says bitterly, his frustration getting the better of him.
“You won’t get it ever”
“There is nothing for you to understand” Jongin hisses more to himself than Sehun.
Sehun heaves in annoyance, ready to rip into Jongin for being so fucking dismissive.
They are going to talk about things properly!
This attitude is not appreciated. Not in the lease.
Sehun’s words are paused when Jongin sinks back on his shins, tugging through his hair.
“How can you understand this?” Jongin shakes his head violently.
“I’m stupid Sehun”
“I am insecure and foolish”
“I listen to other people’s words and doubt my own husband, the same person that could chose anyone in the world and for some dumb reason choses to be with me, has loved me unyieldingly for years” Jongin seems angry.
At his own self to be frank.
He grimaces and snarls and huffs out tired frustrated breathes as his eyes get unfocused, the words slipping from his lips in disgust and disappointment.
“I am the lucky son of a bitch that got to personally kick his own good fortune away”
“I’m broken Sehun”
“There is something wrong with me”
“The more I love you, the more I seem to hurt you”
“I….”
“If there is one thing I thought I would keep forever, it was your love”
“The one thing that I cherished more than anything and yet, I somehow found some way to fuck that up too”
Jongin cries softly, whatever bravado he had falling away as he finally spills his thoughts, finally lets Sehun see whatever he hides inside that complex mind of his.
As simple as Jongin is, his mind is still something that Sehun marvels at.
The way he compartmentalizes and separates, shares and hides and so much more.
Sehun has been with Jongin for what feels like forever, but even he acknowledges that there are things he doesn’t know about Jongin, things he knows his husband locks way in that wonderful mind of his.
Jongin wipes his tears, but he does continue.
“I...”
“I just didn’t want to be left behind” Jongin says softly, weak and in pain.
Sehun cries with a breaking heart, the pieces of what’s left being shredded before him.
“You have grown so much Sehunnie”
“You are perfect in every possible way. I see you and I can’t believe you really exist. Sometimes I think I imagined you honestly”
Sehun chokes up even more.
“I are so damn proud of you” Jongin says as he reaches for Sehun’s hand, drags his thumb over the back of the palm and stares at Sehun’s fingers as if they have the answers to all the questions in the world.
Sehun then realizes that Jongin is not staring at his fingers, but his ring finger.
The one that still has the simple band that Jongin proposed with.
Sehun never did get around to taking it off. He has removed it for shoots at times, but he always finds himself putting it back on.
It feels like part of him now.
Just as Jongin is.
“…..but that scares me too” Jongin breaks away to swallow the tears at that confession.
“You are this gorgeous brilliant man with this perfect life ahead of you” Jongin continues listing Sehun’s attributes and Sehun is confused.
What does any of that have to do with it?
Sehun is great. He knows he is. He is a fantastic model, a decent creative director and a committed husband and hopefully one day, a dedicated loving father.
Those are the things Sehun wants to be known for. That is what Sehun cares about. That is the perfect live Sehun has been looking forward to, the perfect life he has ahead of him.
The one with Jongin and hopefully, a child, their family.
Jongin doesn’t seem to know that though.
“You’re this big creative director” Jongin says listlessly.
“And I am stuck dealing with that stupid studio that’s more stress than it’s worth” Jongin continues bitterly, washed in sadness and self-loathing.
“You’re always away on assignment, globetrotting,”
“You come back with these amazing stories of the places you have been and the people you have met….these rich successful amazing people” Jongin explains slowly, the words hard for him to get out but not as hard as they for Sehun to hear.
How could Sehun have let his husband have these types of thoughts?
What could he have done to make sure Jongin understand that none of the things he is talking about ever mattered to Sehun?
In nine out of ten times, whilst on those same assignments, Sehun just wanted to hurry the fuck up and come back home to his husband. He spent most of that time, taking dumb pictures that Jongin wouldn’t even bother to look at just so that he can share it with him. All those people he met and he still longed for his idiot husband that would more than likely just grunt at him when Sehun returned, too busy with his practices, and yet somehow Sehun will be happy to just be in his grumpy presence.
“It just feels like….there is no place for me there”
“No place for me in that life” Jongin mutters in pure despair.
Sehun is basically sobbing now.
His mind is a rush of thoughts and denials and heartache and he hates Jongin so much for just throwing this at him now, but he is grateful too. He is grateful that Jongin is being honest with him finally, that he is taking the time to share his feelings and weaknesses, despite how hard it clearly is for him.
Sehun loves this man so fucking much.
And it hurts.
It really hurts.
“I got scared Sehunnie” Jongin confesses in a near whisper.
“I got scared that you would wake up one morning and realize that we don’t fit anymore”
Jongin sniffles painfully before he lowers his head and wipes his tears away.
“Jongin” Sehun prays his husband’s name, desperately reaching for him, but Jongin stays out of his reach.
“I…”
“I am nothing like what I planned….nothing like what we talked about when we were in college” Jongin says and Sehun frowns through the tears.
Where is this nonsense actually coming from?
“I am not that famous dancer or performer that we thought I would be….that I promised you that I would be” Jongin breathes in obvious regret and reflection.
“I didn’t achieve my dreams”
“Not the way that you did” Jongin doesn’t necessarily sound bitter, just resigned to some sort of wretched fate.
“You are so goddamned perfect!”
“You are great at everything that you do….you’re amazing. You really are!” Jongin says very different from his general disposition.
His sad tired eyes are bright and truthful. Jongin really does believe every word he says. Is genuinely in awe of Sehun, and whilst that should make Sehun happy, it doesn’t.
Sehun doesn’t want to be that person to Jongin.
He doesn’t want to be the airbrushed super model with the smirk and dead eyes. He wants Jongin to see him, to see him as his stupid husband that hides behind his shoulder when they watch horror movies and refuses to shower when the hot water is out.
He wants to be that sort of person to Jongin, something in his grasp and in his heart, not something amazing and unreachable.
He wants his husband’s respect and admiration, wants Jongin to be proud of him and to appreciate him and his talents, but he wants Jongin to feel his love, to know that Sehun is always within his reach and at his side.
How did these things happen?
“You achieved all your dreams….”
“And I didn’t” Jongin’s voice breaks at those words.
“I wasn’t sure that I had a place in your new life…….your perfect life where things always go well…where there isn’t any failure” Jongin continues with some sort of self-loathing ferociousness.
Sehun hates to hear his precious husband speak this way.
Yet Sehun doesn’t interrupt him.
As painful as this is, these are words that Jongin needs to say and Sehun needs to hear. Somewhere along the line they forgot that marriage is based on communication. They kept these things hidden inside and it ends in disaster. Stupid mistakes and choices that have far reaching consequences.
Now that it’s in the open, they can both do something about it.
Jongin heaves tiredly.
“I guess, I just didn’t want to be lifeless when you left me” Jongin says as if he is talking about someone else.
“I didn’t want to be the one hurt” he states in wretchedness.
“With…”
“With Moonkyu...” Jongin bites the name out.
Sehun gasps and covers his mouth at the powerful reaction he has to the name that scorches his ears and cuts him to pieces.
Jongin lowers his head in exaggerated shame that really isn’t exaggerated at all. He looks ready to beg the earth to swallow him.
“…with…him…it was easy”
“It was something for me alone”
These words hurt more than all others but Sehun forces himself to listen, just as Jongin forces himself to say them, to hurt Sehun again and again.
“He was someone that wanted me entirely”
“He thought that I was the amazing one, that I was the brightest star in the sky, the most precious amazing thing on earth” Jongin confesses, head bowed and on his shins, as if he is in atonement, refusing to look at Sehun, staring at a singular spot on the floor, eyes never shifting or moving.
He tries to be clear, but the words are muffled.
Sehun can see the tears following but Jongin never lifts his head.
“In the end…I just ended up hating myself so much more” Jongin barks a vile laugh that sounds like a death croak.
“I wanted to …want you less”.
“I thought I would want you less …if I gave in to him”
“In the end I only wanted you more…no one can ever be like you…I can love no one or nothing like you”
“I wanted you more and more and each time…..I sinned…. you just got further and further away from me”
“I ran away from you to chase after you”
Jongin is breaking apart before his very eyes.
“There is something wrong with me Sehun”
Jongin coughs into his shoulder, his voice raw and torn and his face wet with tears even as he still hides from Sehun’s gaze.
“I am shameless and disgusting…despicable”
“Even after I hurt you so much, I am still shameless enough to ask you this”
“To want your forgiveness”
Jongin finally looks upwards.
Finally tries to meet Sehun’s gaze, face aged in misery and desperation, tears streaming down his face.
“I am sorry Sehunnie”
“I can’t even begin to explain how sorry I am…how much I regret it all”
Jongin says desperately.
“I have missed you so much……..so fucking much”
“It left as if I cut open my insides and took part of me out”
“I don’t know how to live without you Sehun ah. I just don’t”
“I thought….but that’s not true. I can’t…I really can’t.
“I love you so much Sehun”
“I know you don’t believe me now…but I …love you…I love you…so so much”
Jongin just weeps now, unable to hold Sehun’s gaze, letting the emotions overcome him.
Sehun reaches a hand out and touches his hair. Jongin gives him a wet distraught look before he sinks into the touch, letting his head fall against Sehun’s knee as Sehun comforts him.
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