AfterGlee - Kurt's Journal 006
Previous page.
SIXTH JOURNAL ENTRY.
Things Kurt has learned over the past few days:
1. Never write while drunk.
2. Never write while devastated.
3. Never leave journal unattended.
I'm lucky no one found this. I came home yesterday after a long walk and about half a pack of smokes to find my drawer wide open and the journal just laying there. That was stupid. I can't believe I was that careless. Guess you learn something new with every breakdown.
Yesterday was rough. I should have known better. I should have called T, I should have gone to sleep or something, but yesterday was so shit I couldn't stop myself. I was so angry. With him, and with myself. It's been a while since I've longed to inflict physical harm on a person, but yesterday I was so close I scared myself.
I knew meeting Blaine was going to be hard. T tried to prepare me for that, I tried to prepare myself. I knew it was going to be painful, that all those memories would just come flooding back, all those feelings. I've been angry at him this whole time. Ever since seeing him, I've been nothing but rude, confrontational and defensive, everything T told me not to be. But it's just so hard. He's acting like he's the fucking victim in all of this, like I'm the Big Bad Wolf who ate his grandma, and while no one's said it to my face yet, I know everyone around us are thinking the same thing. Why wouldn't they? I was the one who broke his heart, after all. I was the one living too far away, I was the one who treated him badly, and I was the one with feelings for someone else I NEVER acted on and tried to figure out on my own. I loved Blaine. Apparently, I just fell for another guy on purpose, just to fuck with him.
We fought again. Or, kind of. That's the only thing we've been doing since meeting each other. Fighting, insulting each other, acting like children. But yesterday, so much shit happened.
Shit that happened yesterday:
1. I kissed him.
2. I kissed HIM. Not the other way around.
3. I bit him. A lot. I think he still has marks.
4. I let him touch me.
5. I let him undress me.
6. I WANTED him to want me.
7. I felt good.
8. I panicked.
9. I kissed him again.
10. I told him.
I told him how screwed up I am. Or, I told him I'm screwed up. That I'm not the same. I told him I couldn't do it. I wanted to, I still want to, but I couldn't, and I can't. It's Blaine we're talking about. Wonderful, amazing, still so beautiful and nice and pure Blaine. I don't deserve him. I can't handle him. I told him that I wanted to be nothing for a while. Just, nothing. I did that because he kind of asked me what I wanted us to be, and I told him. And he got upset and left. Just like that.
I asked if he just missed the sex. He told me he misses me. I miss him too. I miss him a lot, every day. But I can't fall into that trap again. I can't allow myself to fall for him again, because he's going to hurt me again, and I can't handle that. I can't, I just can't.
Oh God, what am I going to do?
I promise the next entry won't have shit to do with Blaine Anderson. Right now I need to think, to organize my thoughts quietly, and putting them down on paper makes this a lot more real. I don't want an excuse to think about him right now. I can't.
I'll write of more when I think of more. Right now I feel sick.
Next page.
SIXTH JOURNAL ENTRY.
Things Kurt has learned over the past few days:
1. Never write while drunk.
2. Never write while devastated.
3. Never leave journal unattended.
I'm lucky no one found this. I came home yesterday after a long walk and about half a pack of smokes to find my drawer wide open and the journal just laying there. That was stupid. I can't believe I was that careless. Guess you learn something new with every breakdown.
Yesterday was rough. I should have known better. I should have called T, I should have gone to sleep or something, but yesterday was so shit I couldn't stop myself. I was so angry. With him, and with myself. It's been a while since I've longed to inflict physical harm on a person, but yesterday I was so close I scared myself.
I knew meeting Blaine was going to be hard. T tried to prepare me for that, I tried to prepare myself. I knew it was going to be painful, that all those memories would just come flooding back, all those feelings. I've been angry at him this whole time. Ever since seeing him, I've been nothing but rude, confrontational and defensive, everything T told me not to be. But it's just so hard. He's acting like he's the fucking victim in all of this, like I'm the Big Bad Wolf who ate his grandma, and while no one's said it to my face yet, I know everyone around us are thinking the same thing. Why wouldn't they? I was the one who broke his heart, after all. I was the one living too far away, I was the one who treated him badly, and I was the one with feelings for someone else I NEVER acted on and tried to figure out on my own. I loved Blaine. Apparently, I just fell for another guy on purpose, just to fuck with him.
We fought again. Or, kind of. That's the only thing we've been doing since meeting each other. Fighting, insulting each other, acting like children. But yesterday, so much shit happened.
Shit that happened yesterday:
1. I kissed him.
2. I kissed HIM. Not the other way around.
3. I bit him. A lot. I think he still has marks.
4. I let him touch me.
5. I let him undress me.
6. I WANTED him to want me.
7. I felt good.
8. I panicked.
9. I kissed him again.
10. I told him.
I told him how screwed up I am. Or, I told him I'm screwed up. That I'm not the same. I told him I couldn't do it. I wanted to, I still want to, but I couldn't, and I can't. It's Blaine we're talking about. Wonderful, amazing, still so beautiful and nice and pure Blaine. I don't deserve him. I can't handle him. I told him that I wanted to be nothing for a while. Just, nothing. I did that because he kind of asked me what I wanted us to be, and I told him. And he got upset and left. Just like that.
I asked if he just missed the sex. He told me he misses me. I miss him too. I miss him a lot, every day. But I can't fall into that trap again. I can't allow myself to fall for him again, because he's going to hurt me again, and I can't handle that. I can't, I just can't.
Oh God, what am I going to do?
I promise the next entry won't have shit to do with Blaine Anderson. Right now I need to think, to organize my thoughts quietly, and putting them down on paper makes this a lot more real. I don't want an excuse to think about him right now. I can't.
I'll write of more when I think of more. Right now I feel sick.
Next page.