Update
Well, spring break started last Friday, and I'm doing nothing. My best friend is in Texas, and she won't be back till the weekend. Nothing much has changed in my life, to be honest. I still feel so alone all the time. Eddie is mad at me because he heard a rumor that I was talking bad about him, which I wasn't. I still blame him for the mess that's between John and me.
To be honest, Eddie wasn't worth losing John, although John never treated me too well to start with. There's something about him that I can't forget... I wish I knew what it was. Even though we're not talking anymore, I sometimes catch him looking at me. Whenever I see him, my stomach turns. It's like nothing bad ever happened between us, and there's nothing wrong with me loving him. But, I know I shouldn't love him after all the things he did and said to me. There were times that he made me feel like absolutely nothing... and he still has that affect on me. I keep telling myself that one day he'll turn around and realize what he lost... but that probably won't happen. He's happy with Gaylia, and there's nothing I can or will do about it. They're happy, so I should let them be. I just feel like there's alot of unfinished business between John and me. It seems like I was always the one to apologize... although he did his share too. But since about July of last year... he stopped coming to me and telling me he's sorry. He just let it go, let me go. Everyone tries to tell me it's for the better, but how am I supposed to agree with that? I love him... and the pain will never go away. I can't even look at other guys without thinking, "John is better at this, that, ect". He woulda been good for me, and I woulda been good for him. I guess we'll never know...
To be honest, Eddie wasn't worth losing John, although John never treated me too well to start with. There's something about him that I can't forget... I wish I knew what it was. Even though we're not talking anymore, I sometimes catch him looking at me. Whenever I see him, my stomach turns. It's like nothing bad ever happened between us, and there's nothing wrong with me loving him. But, I know I shouldn't love him after all the things he did and said to me. There were times that he made me feel like absolutely nothing... and he still has that affect on me. I keep telling myself that one day he'll turn around and realize what he lost... but that probably won't happen. He's happy with Gaylia, and there's nothing I can or will do about it. They're happy, so I should let them be. I just feel like there's alot of unfinished business between John and me. It seems like I was always the one to apologize... although he did his share too. But since about July of last year... he stopped coming to me and telling me he's sorry. He just let it go, let me go. Everyone tries to tell me it's for the better, but how am I supposed to agree with that? I love him... and the pain will never go away. I can't even look at other guys without thinking, "John is better at this, that, ect". He woulda been good for me, and I woulda been good for him. I guess we'll never know...