Still hurting
I quote from one of Chris's entries ""We can get far into our thoughts together...he tells me things so far fetched that he is the only one who could teach me. He tells me, that there is a place for everything, and that the higher you reach the better you are. We can make it to a place that feels like its reaching towards the heavens, and he lets me know thats where im going. I ask him what he thinks about judgement...and he replies "its just an illusion to make you feel bad about yourself, with it you cant see the beauty, and beauty is the key that opens the doors to me."
I read this and it truly hurts me inside. Chris fortunately for me was the beauty in life for me. It was a person for me to reach to, He is a human being just like I am. We are not perfect, nor should we be. How boring would that be? But isnt this the essence of life? Havinbg beauty, in the eye of the beholder, as percieve it and do with it as we wish. How easy does this sound? It sounds easy as long as you are set in your mind where you want ot go and what you are willing to achieve it.
This is the real scary part for me. What am I willing to do for Chris. Well for Chris, I am still willing to do anything for. Anything with me has no bounds. As long as I can admit it to my Mother of 65 Then I can be ok. What is it that I am willing to do. Well I am willing to wait, I am willing to be there and I am willing to go through all the bad stuff that comes along with addiction. When we first got together we spoke of the things that could happen and we decided that we were willing to work through them. I guess I am not willing to stand by and let Crystal Meth take another thing from me, considering I have already given it my life, my career, my livelyhood, my friends, my family and every other phuckin thing that one could have,... and yes that includes sanity, faith and inner peace, of which I actually know as serenity now.
Is it fair for me to beat myself up over this crap? Is it fair to give another so much power over my every breath? If I told this to anyone they would say that I am crazy. I would tell them that yes I am crazy, crazy in love. Damn this hurts, it hurts so bad it is effecting me every waking minute. Another quote from Chris, is the one he made about there being no cure for LOVE....I am sitting here at my desk here and tears are coming to my eyes, this probably isnt the best place to do this, however I have to get this out and this seems to be the only way for me to vent it. Yea since I dont really have anyone to share this with. I am going to call Chris in a little while and see if he is better today. I feel like such a helpless being, this isnt like me. I am strong, I am sensable, and I am in love. Damn it hurts, it hurts like non other that i have felt. It feels worse than feeling like I am going to prison. I just lucked out recently and could have spent the next 21 months in prison. I still remember what that felt like and this I can honestly feels worse.
Now where am I, I am in prison in my own mind. I am not a skeptic. I am a realist. But why am I not able to seperate the difference here in whether or not this is going to actually work out. There are too many unknowns here. I want to still leave open the possibility that it can work out. I am sick. I am sick inside my heart, and this isnt fair. Life is fair if you make it fair, I would never had given this a second thought if Chris wasnt so damn smart, sensative, extremely talented and cute. Oh yea the sex is really great too, but trust me I can live without the sex. It is the intimacy that I crave, like I craved getting high when I was full on in my addiction, I crave Chris the same way. Have I traded One for another here? Hasn't it been long enough for me to get into the dating thing? Well for me it has. For Chris well that was in his boat, and now he has thrown a huge concrete block in it, in my mind the bottom of the boat is cracked and taking on water. In my mind I want to help him row to shore and mend it. Is this wrong. Cause what I see is Chris just sitting there feeling sorry for himself like he is not worth it. Letting me row all by myself and without his help we'll never make it ashore.
I guess ultimatly i can be supportive, but this inner feeling like I wasnt good enough, well that just doesnt fit into my plan these days. I know as God as my witness that I am fully capable of doing whatever I set my mind out to do. As long as it is me, well thats all I have power over. I need to say this over and over to myself, trying to get a grip and take action to prevent myself any further pain. But wait I say, there is hope, within reason. There is still a light at the end of the tunnel and I am willing to not give up. Giving up is not in my game today.
I read this and it truly hurts me inside. Chris fortunately for me was the beauty in life for me. It was a person for me to reach to, He is a human being just like I am. We are not perfect, nor should we be. How boring would that be? But isnt this the essence of life? Havinbg beauty, in the eye of the beholder, as percieve it and do with it as we wish. How easy does this sound? It sounds easy as long as you are set in your mind where you want ot go and what you are willing to achieve it.
This is the real scary part for me. What am I willing to do for Chris. Well for Chris, I am still willing to do anything for. Anything with me has no bounds. As long as I can admit it to my Mother of 65 Then I can be ok. What is it that I am willing to do. Well I am willing to wait, I am willing to be there and I am willing to go through all the bad stuff that comes along with addiction. When we first got together we spoke of the things that could happen and we decided that we were willing to work through them. I guess I am not willing to stand by and let Crystal Meth take another thing from me, considering I have already given it my life, my career, my livelyhood, my friends, my family and every other phuckin thing that one could have,... and yes that includes sanity, faith and inner peace, of which I actually know as serenity now.
Is it fair for me to beat myself up over this crap? Is it fair to give another so much power over my every breath? If I told this to anyone they would say that I am crazy. I would tell them that yes I am crazy, crazy in love. Damn this hurts, it hurts so bad it is effecting me every waking minute. Another quote from Chris, is the one he made about there being no cure for LOVE....I am sitting here at my desk here and tears are coming to my eyes, this probably isnt the best place to do this, however I have to get this out and this seems to be the only way for me to vent it. Yea since I dont really have anyone to share this with. I am going to call Chris in a little while and see if he is better today. I feel like such a helpless being, this isnt like me. I am strong, I am sensable, and I am in love. Damn it hurts, it hurts like non other that i have felt. It feels worse than feeling like I am going to prison. I just lucked out recently and could have spent the next 21 months in prison. I still remember what that felt like and this I can honestly feels worse.
Now where am I, I am in prison in my own mind. I am not a skeptic. I am a realist. But why am I not able to seperate the difference here in whether or not this is going to actually work out. There are too many unknowns here. I want to still leave open the possibility that it can work out. I am sick. I am sick inside my heart, and this isnt fair. Life is fair if you make it fair, I would never had given this a second thought if Chris wasnt so damn smart, sensative, extremely talented and cute. Oh yea the sex is really great too, but trust me I can live without the sex. It is the intimacy that I crave, like I craved getting high when I was full on in my addiction, I crave Chris the same way. Have I traded One for another here? Hasn't it been long enough for me to get into the dating thing? Well for me it has. For Chris well that was in his boat, and now he has thrown a huge concrete block in it, in my mind the bottom of the boat is cracked and taking on water. In my mind I want to help him row to shore and mend it. Is this wrong. Cause what I see is Chris just sitting there feeling sorry for himself like he is not worth it. Letting me row all by myself and without his help we'll never make it ashore.
I guess ultimatly i can be supportive, but this inner feeling like I wasnt good enough, well that just doesnt fit into my plan these days. I know as God as my witness that I am fully capable of doing whatever I set my mind out to do. As long as it is me, well thats all I have power over. I need to say this over and over to myself, trying to get a grip and take action to prevent myself any further pain. But wait I say, there is hope, within reason. There is still a light at the end of the tunnel and I am willing to not give up. Giving up is not in my game today.