About Christmas
Well here it goes again. I just got Chris's x-mas present in the mail today. I am going to wrap it up and mail it to him, or am I? What am I going to do. Is it right? Am I going to be sending a message that I still care. Well I do. Unfortunate for as it is I do and it really really hurts. What am I to do about this? Just keep on trucking, I have been through worse? Oh yea I have been through some of the most hellacious times, it would have driven most of you absolutely mad. Some of the situations I have put myself in are right in line with a person that is insane. But I am not insane today, In fact I am cured of all the ailments that the life of being a drug addict brought me. Well I am still in debt a little, and have started a new career and school, but those are possitive things today.
How can I be possitive when the holidays are here and I have nobody to give my heart to? Isnt this what the christmas spirit is all about?
Ok we just had a client walk into our office, he's less than 20 y/o and he is up against 3 counts of rape of a child in the first degree, How terrible is this? I thought my problems are bad. How many people are there in the world? Millions, and I am saving my heart for Chris. Well I am in real need of some help here and I dont know where I am to get it. Its a good thing I can sit here and get paid to write this stuff, cause I know that when I get home I am going to go bury my head in my pillow and hopefully get a good crying out of the way. I just seem so affraid to let these feelings go that I am the one here who is weak. I am not a weak individual. If it were just the thought that we were just sex buddies, that would be cool. But no, I now know his family, I have been outed to his Grandma, and he hasn't been, Yea try and explain that one to me. We had started saving money to get our own place together, he was going to go with me to Alaska with the firm and I. We were doing what normal people do to make their othewise boring lives a little more worth living.
I am a real good catch. I have my problems sure, like being on home detention, yea if you read my other postings up there somewhere, it talks about me going to prison. well I got 10 months home detention. I am half way through this, 5 monthsd to go, making some plansd, having someone special to share it with, got a great job, and going to school full time, BTW I got a 100 on my final essays in my Criminal Justice class today =)...So why wouldnt I be fun to be around...well that takes me back to the one thing as long as I am in the program, that I am most affraid of, this is Crystal Meth. Am I to remove myself from the program? Am I too go out to the clubs to meet people like I used to? What the hell am I going to do. I cant stand to be alone. I cant handle not being able to go anywhere, but it wasnt so bad when I wasnt in love. Now that I am in love and it is really hurting, well, thatis still to be considered. I feel like I am being a real big baby about all this, but Chris is an awesome individual, aside from being terribly addicted to crystal meth, he is an extremely bright individual. Someone who I could grow old with and share life with.....I just wished he'd been as serious about wanting change as I thought. Maybe he is, and if he is I will be right here for him in the capacity I able to provide.
How can I be possitive when the holidays are here and I have nobody to give my heart to? Isnt this what the christmas spirit is all about?
Ok we just had a client walk into our office, he's less than 20 y/o and he is up against 3 counts of rape of a child in the first degree, How terrible is this? I thought my problems are bad. How many people are there in the world? Millions, and I am saving my heart for Chris. Well I am in real need of some help here and I dont know where I am to get it. Its a good thing I can sit here and get paid to write this stuff, cause I know that when I get home I am going to go bury my head in my pillow and hopefully get a good crying out of the way. I just seem so affraid to let these feelings go that I am the one here who is weak. I am not a weak individual. If it were just the thought that we were just sex buddies, that would be cool. But no, I now know his family, I have been outed to his Grandma, and he hasn't been, Yea try and explain that one to me. We had started saving money to get our own place together, he was going to go with me to Alaska with the firm and I. We were doing what normal people do to make their othewise boring lives a little more worth living.
I am a real good catch. I have my problems sure, like being on home detention, yea if you read my other postings up there somewhere, it talks about me going to prison. well I got 10 months home detention. I am half way through this, 5 monthsd to go, making some plansd, having someone special to share it with, got a great job, and going to school full time, BTW I got a 100 on my final essays in my Criminal Justice class today =)...So why wouldnt I be fun to be around...well that takes me back to the one thing as long as I am in the program, that I am most affraid of, this is Crystal Meth. Am I to remove myself from the program? Am I too go out to the clubs to meet people like I used to? What the hell am I going to do. I cant stand to be alone. I cant handle not being able to go anywhere, but it wasnt so bad when I wasnt in love. Now that I am in love and it is really hurting, well, thatis still to be considered. I feel like I am being a real big baby about all this, but Chris is an awesome individual, aside from being terribly addicted to crystal meth, he is an extremely bright individual. Someone who I could grow old with and share life with.....I just wished he'd been as serious about wanting change as I thought. Maybe he is, and if he is I will be right here for him in the capacity I able to provide.