Tis the ues after Christmas
Well, Christmas has come and gone. I was supposed to go over to visit with my grandma at my aunts house, and this did'nt work out. My grandmother invited me and when shenotified my aunt, she got pissy and said she didnt want anyone extra invited over. I thought that since this was the first christmas after she lost her husband, that she wanted an intimate Christmas. Well I was ok with this until I talked to my grandma yesterday. I talked with my grandma and she told me that there was 30 people over at her house. I couldnt help but take this personally, I realize that I have some proving to my family, and I am wishing to do this. I have come a long way and I guess that I have farther to go before I get included in on other family occaisions. This hurts and I had told my mother prematurely that I was going over to her sisters for Christmas,, then my grandmother called and said that bobby (my aunt) declined my grandmothers invite to attend. Since my mother hasnt talked to her sister or her mom (my family is so dissfunctional) for a couple years, I thought this would be the preverbial hole in the bottom of the boat that would sink any and all hopes of them resurecting their relationship. So I lied to my mom and continued on with the idea that I went over there and visited with them for a short time, trying to stay away from the details and change the subject. I feel bad for this, my intentions are genuine and I feel that if it ever gets out, well then I dont feel that it will hurt my relationship with my mom, but it could sure destroy any hopes of them resurecting their relationship. Why do I feel this is my responsibility? Well I feel this way because unfortunatly (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) am the only one who still talks to my entire family. This is a burden I carry with me and sometimes I feel like a psycologist or a therypist. I am far from it. I guess ultimatly I have come to realize that my family is my family, and that blood is thicker than water. Why cant we all get along. This is really screwed up and I see me as the only one in the family that has the opportunity to break ground on the issues at hand that are preventing my family from getting together. I guess I should not try and let things be the way that they are.
You see I have come a long way, and I am damn proud of my progress. I wish to share it with my family, and in doing this I would feel like I am accepted and a welcomed individual at all family affairs. Well this obviously isnt going to happen for a while. I have tentavilly made arragnments with my grandmother to go over to her house and visit with her. This will have to do for now.
As far as christmas this year, I went over to Chris's and I had a blast. This year as far as Christmas goes, has been an unusually happy one considering my circumstances. Being on home detention has severly hampered my efforts to be active in the whole giving arena. I have plenty to give, unfortunatly not too much material resources are availible to me. However I was able to attend a Christmas gathering at Chris's hoese and it was fun. I twas really nice spending time with him and getting to know his family a little better. His grandmother was on her best behavoir and that was really nice. Even though I was a little uncomfortable with the whole Chris not being out of the closet with her, it didnt impact on my visit. Its nice not to have issues with the family around Christmas, and who knows what will happen next year.
Chris came over and spent the night. It was really nice spending time with him, cooking b-fast for him and just sharing some time with him. He has come to the agreement that he is in need of help, and I am really glad that he is taking this committment in going to treatment for 6+ months. I am really thankful he is willing to take some steps to improve his life and the relationships to those that love and care for him.
This is an interesting position I am in. I really care for Chris, in fact I am falling in love with him. This puts me into a position where I have to accept what he is doing for himself is for him, then all things that can, may or might happen with us will have to pick up where we left off when he went into treatment. I am going to write him, and visit on visiting day. I will be a supportive person for him the whole time, while also waiting for him when he gets out.
This is what I believe what I have asked god for in my life. Someone who I can share the ups and downs of recover with. Someone with intent, ability and determination to take steps forward to build a better happy productive life. When this is possible I realize that all things are possible for us. Imust say this is going to be a trying and interesting experience. I am mostly glad for Chris, but a little glad for myself too in the area of me having a quality individual to share my life with and visa versa.
You see I have come a long way, and I am damn proud of my progress. I wish to share it with my family, and in doing this I would feel like I am accepted and a welcomed individual at all family affairs. Well this obviously isnt going to happen for a while. I have tentavilly made arragnments with my grandmother to go over to her house and visit with her. This will have to do for now.
As far as christmas this year, I went over to Chris's and I had a blast. This year as far as Christmas goes, has been an unusually happy one considering my circumstances. Being on home detention has severly hampered my efforts to be active in the whole giving arena. I have plenty to give, unfortunatly not too much material resources are availible to me. However I was able to attend a Christmas gathering at Chris's hoese and it was fun. I twas really nice spending time with him and getting to know his family a little better. His grandmother was on her best behavoir and that was really nice. Even though I was a little uncomfortable with the whole Chris not being out of the closet with her, it didnt impact on my visit. Its nice not to have issues with the family around Christmas, and who knows what will happen next year.
Chris came over and spent the night. It was really nice spending time with him, cooking b-fast for him and just sharing some time with him. He has come to the agreement that he is in need of help, and I am really glad that he is taking this committment in going to treatment for 6+ months. I am really thankful he is willing to take some steps to improve his life and the relationships to those that love and care for him.
This is an interesting position I am in. I really care for Chris, in fact I am falling in love with him. This puts me into a position where I have to accept what he is doing for himself is for him, then all things that can, may or might happen with us will have to pick up where we left off when he went into treatment. I am going to write him, and visit on visiting day. I will be a supportive person for him the whole time, while also waiting for him when he gets out.
This is what I believe what I have asked god for in my life. Someone who I can share the ups and downs of recover with. Someone with intent, ability and determination to take steps forward to build a better happy productive life. When this is possible I realize that all things are possible for us. Imust say this is going to be a trying and interesting experience. I am mostly glad for Chris, but a little glad for myself too in the area of me having a quality individual to share my life with and visa versa.