Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

[womansized]

Angel told me to get some rest and then got all grumpy about it. He was just as moody as Spike was if not worse. I wondered if all vampires were that moody. Would I get all grumpy too in a few years? After everything I knew was dead and I just kept living and living forever and ever? Now I was already grumpy and I wasn't even old like Angel was.

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[__angel]

I thought a lot about what Lorne had told me and came to the conclusion that it was never going to happen. The same conclusion that I had when Lorne had told me. There was no way I was falling for Dawn. I would help her, give her advice, but after that? That’s it. Then she’s going back to Buffy and I’d explain to Buffy what was going on. Everything was a mess and I still felt guilty for not saving her, Dawn that was but now … I guess that didn’t matter anymore because she’s immortal.

I still felt guilty though.

Running a hand through my hair, I sat there in the chair and drank my scotch, thinking about what we were going to do. We couldn’t stay here forever, yet, it would be perfect place. They can’t fight us in here, just like we can’t fight him. What would we do? Have a stareoff? Most likely, but still. At least no one would be getting hurt. Lorne had a business to run, so I understand where he’s coming from. We had to run, do something, get people … but who? Buffy was off fighting in Sunnydale and Dawn is here for me to babysit. I felt more guilty because I hadn’t called Buffy to tell her what had happened. I should have done that. I should do that.

I’m going to do that.

Looking up suddenly, I saw Dawn there, standing, looking for answers and something to do. My eyes started to linger and I scolded myself mentally before looking away. I can’t look at her, not after what I knew. I had to stop it. Why was this happening to me? I didn’t need this right now, I didn’t want it.

“I don’t know Dawn … just, I don’t know,” I sighed and brought my hand to my forehead, trying to make sense of this whole thing and then I remembered that she actually asked me a question. Tilting my head, I looked at her.

“Right, books,” I moved up in the chair, straighter so I wasn’t slouching. “You really think you can do that?” I asked, curiosity dripping from my voice and I was giving myself a mental pat on the back because I wasn’t letting my eyes linger to places they shouldn’t.

Damnit.

[womansized]

"I know that I can." I answered him quickly hoping to put his mind at ease and I didn't even know why I was trying so hard. I mean, was Angel just always this depressed or was this a special occasion? It wasn't like I was that hard to have around, was I? Did he feel like an overglorified babysitter? Well...good. Because that was what he was. I didn't need it but Buffy apparently thought I did. I was kind of glad I had come to L.A. with Angel though or else I would have found out about not being able to die with Buffy and she would have flipped out. At least Angel understood what it was like to be immortal.

Spike would have understood too. I frowned at that. Because I missed Spike and I missed my sister and I missed my friends. And mostly I worried about whether they were going to be okay or not with the big battle coming up. Was Angel worrying about that too? Maybe that was why he was all depressed and stuff. It was probably good that he was depressed actually because I heard all about what happened when Angel wasn't depressed anymore. When he got all happy and tried to kill my sister alot.

"Are-- are you okay?" I finally asked after a minute, my eyes narrowing in his direction. "I could make you some tea or something. That always makes me feel better." Well, that and a bubble bath but I didn't know if Lorne even had a bath tub or if vampires took bubble baths. Maybe Angel should start, he'd probably be less cranky if he took a hot bath once in awhile. It made me uberly less cranky when I took a hot bubble bath. I remembered when Mom used to run them for me and she'd use this really pretty bubble bath stuff....

Where was I? OH right. Why was Angel all depressed? We were going to be okay? I mean, we were going to be okay, weren't we? Suddenly I was a little afraid.

Okay. Not suddenly and not a little afraid. I was kind of terrified but I knew that if I freaked out it wouldn't help anything. I just needed to stay calm.

[weloveyouangel]

She wanted to know what was wrong and there was no way I was going to tell her about what I was thinking, but from the looks of it, I’m sure she could tell that I was just upset about the Bringers and it only being us. I wanted to call Buffy, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t. She had enough to deal with. And besides, I knew that if I did call? Buffy would be over here and then away from whatever was going on in Sunnydale, and we couldn’t have that. I didn’t even know how to tell Buffy that Dawn was immortal now. Everything was crazy and confusing and I was sure that no matter as long as we were in here? We’d be okay, until Lorne kicked us out.

“Nothing, Dawn … I’m just thinking,” I said and sat up a bit, giving her a looking at before getting up and heading back to the bar. I could hear her following me and I just kept trying to think of anything else other than what Lorne told me. I thought it was cute that she offered to make tea … if I drank it. Right now I was doing okay with this.

“Tomorrow, we’ll have to go and get books. It’ll have to be in the sewers because well .. daylight. And I’m not going to send you off by yourself.” Even though, that was a thought considering she was immortal and what could get her in plain daylight. They were vamps too and they’d combust. Well, except for the bringers.

“Yeah, so sewers, we’ll go and get books, come back and try to find something that would help us out,” I nodded and poured myself another drink before twisting the cap back on and walking back over to the chair, sitting down.

[womansized]

I nodded at him, following him and watching him carefully as he pulled the bottle out from behind the bar and poured himself another glass. Another glass? Why would he do that when I could make him tea. Well, Spike never really wanted tea either. He always wanted blood in his special mug or whiskey. I always wondered why he never mixed the two, I wondered if Angel ever mixed the two. I thought about asking but he probably wouldn't tell me. Why were vampires so grumpy?

Mostly? I was a little scared. Okay, I was alot scared and I was stuck with a vampire who wouldn't even talk to me. I mean, how could I feel better if he wouldn't even talk to me. Not really. I could tell he just wanted me to go away and shut up. Like I was getting on his nerves or something.

"Okay." I said quickly, backpedaling a little bit when he fianally settled his dark gaze on me. "And I so know you're lying to me right now. Something is wrong. Probably whatever Lorne told you that I'm not allowed to know. You said I wasn't a kid anymore, Angel! Why can't I know?"

I frowned and crossed my arms giving him that demanding look that I'd learned well from my sister. I dared him to stay stubborn after that cause I was like way more stubborn and bratty than he could be.

[__angel]

Okay, so this is what it was coming down to. Maybe Lorne picked that up because maybe she had a crush on me? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me that much. I was her protector, I ... well, she didn't really need one of those anymore, but before ... and I was older, wiser, reletively good looking ... what's not to like, right? I gave her a long look before taking a sip of my drink and looking up at her.

"Let me ask you a question Dawn .... well, yeah, you're right. Something isn't right. It's about what Lorne saw, but first, let me get the facts straight from you, seem fair right?" I asked her.

She didn't really say anything so I tried to figure out how to put this. Because if she didn't? This would have to be one of the most embarrassing things ever. Well, I could think of more things, but no one would ever know about those.

Hopefully not.

"Do you ... have some sort of crush on me? I mean, it's okay ... but, eh, not okay, you know what I mean?"

She of all people should know that because ... well, I loved her sister. I mean, Dawn is cute, sweet, just like her sister but more ... well, not. But, there was no way anything would happen. Nothing. It couldn't. Buffy would never trust me again.

[womansized]

I bit my bottom lip and looked at him seriously when he finally said that it was something. Something was a start because it was like way better than nothing which was what I had so far. And he was really gonna tell me which was good because I had as much right to know as anyone else. I was waiting for his big question so much that when he finally asked it I realized I wasn't even paying that much attention to what he said. I just stared at him blankly for a minute and realized he was waiting for me to respond to him.

Then I let the question sink in.

"WHAT?! I mean, WHAT? No....It's not...NO! That's what Lorne told you? Because he is the suckiest psychic ever if that was what he saw." I felt my face turning about twenty five different shades of red as he stared at me and now I wasn't even helping defend myself. I didn't have a crush on Angel! Maybe....maybe Spike a little bit but Angel? He was all bad moody and old and...really old! And okay, Spike was old too but it was different.

I didn't even know Angel. Not really.

"You're Buffy's old boyfriend and....NO! Why would you think that?"

Licking my bottom lip I turned my face away from him because now I was just really embarressed. Alot. I so did not have a crush on Angel!

[__angel]

Well, there's this whole letting a guy down gently or something but this? This was torture. Her yelling that she didn't like me, or crush me even though that was the answer I was looking for ...but she made it seem like I was this terrible thing. Oh, and the whole Buffy factor. Of course, Buffy. She's .. everything.

I watched her curiously as she turned away and I nodded, taking another sip of my drink.

"Well, now that we have that out of our systems," I muttered and got up from the chair and walked back over to the bar. Not that I wanted her to tell me that she did have a crush, but damn, a vampire still had feelings. Now I was feeling like I wasn't good enough. Well, it was only temporary. Besides, Dawn was just a kid anyway and all of this?

Over.

"So, where should we look first, Junior Watcher?" I said and glanced back over at her. She was still red, shiny and nervous? "Look, it's okay. It was just a question and now I know that Lorne was wrong, okay? It's over now."

[womansized]

Why did he look like he was disappointed with that news? Didn't he know that you couldn't just ask a sixteen year old girl that question? Especially a sixteen year old girl who'd actually only kissed one guy before and he turned out to be a vampire. And the other guy I really only liked because of the jacket he was wearing. I mean, Angel was....hot. Really hot. He was hot and moody and he was gonna live forever just like I was but...you couldn't just ask me a question like that without embarressing me!

"Lorne said that?" I asked him and somehow I didn't think that was exactly what Lorne had told Angel. Something about the way his face changed and his eyes clouded over that told me that he wouldn't tell me exactly what Lorne had said to him.

"Never mind. I...I don't know. I need to look over the books that Wesley has in your office back at the hotel. I'm sure that he has the book I need, everybody has the book I need. It's kind of an essential. I should be able to come up with some sort of barrier but....Angel," My face turned sour as I glanced up at him again and sat down on the barstool next to him. "Those uber vamps? They're just going to run around L.A. and start killing people. We're gonna have to find a way to kill them before they can kill everybody else."

I'd seen Buffy kill them before but it was really hard and the first night she had to fight one? It sort of kicked her ass. I remembered being so scared, afraid that she wasn't gonna make it. Giles was afraid that she wasn't gonna make it. Internal bleeding? God, I was so scared. She'd turned out to be okay though and then she learned how to kill them. Not an easy job.

"And ummm....I sort of used to have a crush on you when I was just a kid. But that doesn't even count because I wasn't real then."

[__angel]

She started talking about the ubervamps and I was glad that it was back down to business. I wasn't really good at changing the subject, not really anyway. And I watched her while she talked and all I could look at were her lips and how they were nothing like Buffy's. Buffy's was small and thin, except for when she jutted out her bottom lip when she was pouting. Almost made me smile just thinking about it, but Dawns? Dawns was just ... plump and nice. I had to look away while she was talking about getting books and whatever else she was saying.

"Right books," I muttered and then looked up at her. Wait, she did have a crush on me? When she was little? Well, that didn't count and why did I care so much? I didn't.

Really didn't.

Buffy was it for me and I was doing this for Buffy not so I could mack on her sister or whatever it is they call it these days.

"Books. We should go and get them," I said and stood up, looking her over. "But, we should come back here, Lorne has an anti violence spell. Just in case ... something happens."

[womansized]

"We can't hide here." I said defiantely and looked up suddenly realizing Angel was giving me an annoyed look. "I mean, Lorne said he had things to do and we could only stay for a little while." I quickly amended hoping that'd be enough to settle the cranky vampire's nerves. Probably not though. And he didn't even like weetabix in his blood, so I had no idea how to make him feel better other than to give him more alcohol.

And had he heard anything I'd said about the Uber Vamps? If there were more of them they were just going to run around and terrorize the entire city until we killed them. And by we I mostly meant him but I totally helped with the last one. Even though he told me to run I didn't. What were they going to do to me? Kill me? I couldn't die. It was the Bringers I was scared of. They always tried to drag me off and the first came with them and always looked like someone I loved. Not fair at all.

"What do you wanna do?" I finally asked him after a minute so he could be like Buffy all having to be in charge all the time like I wasn't even here. He was totally a control freak, no wonder he used to date my sister. I was so glad I didn't inherit that trait when they'd made me out of Buffy parts.

[__angel]

I looked up at her when she asked me what we were going to do and I shook my head. She was right, we couldn't stay here, but if I would tell Lorne, try to talk to him more about it, then he'd probably let us stay. It doesn't matter.

"Fine, let's get out of here. The sun is about to set anyway," I said and got up, grabbing my coat and putting it on. We couldn't stay here, Lorne had a club to run. Now we got to go back to the one place where we knew we'd be terrorized all the time.

I can't believe she doesn't crush me. I gave Dawn a look as she stood there before walking past her. Not that it matters, but I thought I was ... eh, nevermind. Doesn't matter. She's Buffy's little sister and it ... yeah. Wrong.

"We stay together. Dont' go running off. We'll stay in the same room again, lock the doors everything else. If they come back, we'll be ready, get them one by one as they get into the door."

[womansized]

I nodded at him. "We just have to get the books before we do that." I insisted because for as much as the really strong type heroes relied on only their super strength and speed? I really only had my brain to rely on. that and the fact that I apparently couldn't be killed. At least not by getting stabbed to death. I guess there was like totally plenty of time to find out if I could be beheaded or shot or fall of a cliff or...okay, now I was just feeling all icky.

I think Angel could see that Angel saw the look on my face and knew I was getting a little depressed. A little? Bringers were trying to abduct me and my sister was fighting The First Evil alone and I couldn't die. Not ever. I was gonna live forever. He put his hand on my arm and I smiled up at him a little bit.

"Okay. We stay together. I won't wander off." I promise him even though he should know that I wouldn't wander off on him! I wasn't a little kid anymore who needed a leash and okay maybe I hadn't listened to him when he told me to run when that Uber Vamp attacked him. But if I hadn't stayed Angel would be dead. Like totally. So he couldn't even be mad about it or anything. Even though he'd still find a way.

"I'm ready." I smiled up at him shakily as we walked out the door and back out into the dark alleyway. I wondered if we still had to take the sewers back to the hotel but I was thinking totally not because the sun wasn't even out yet or anything.

[__angel]

At least she was willing to stay with me. I led the way and we walked out of the door and headed toward the back alley. Maybe we shouldn't go this way, wouldn't the ubervamps get us that way too? But, if we were to walk in public, then other people could get hurt. Part of me didn't want to care because honestly? Wasn't fair, but I knew my place and I knew my job with the Powers. All I had to do was keep doing this ... saving and helping and then maybe I'd get a little peice of heaven. We'd see about that.

We hadn't really said anything on the walk toward the hotel and I was worried about her and what she was thinking. Hopefully she wasn't ... freaking out, but I guess I would be too. She found out alot about herself and now she had a choice to make. She didn't realize it, but it was a choice and she'd figure it out eventually.

"So ... how was school before you came here?" I asked her and glanced over. Just trying to make small talk. I guess I could actually get to know her if you know ... we supposedly fall and love. God, that was so stupid, I can't believe Lorne even said that.

[womansized]

"School?" I raised an eyebrow as I looked up at him through pale eyes. Why was he trying to make small talk with me now? Oh, you have a crush on me don't you so how was school? Why was he doing that? he was just as weird as Buffy, the two of them should have stayed together since all she did was pine over him anyway. Even when she was with Spike. "Well, it actually shut down. So I haven't been to school in awhile." I smiled at him as he gave me a confused look. "Hellmouth hyjinks." I said, as if this explained everything and really? It did.

"How was ummm....what do you do? You're like a private detective right? Cause that is so cool." I gushed and he smiled down at me awkwardly like I'd just made his day. He really wanted me to have a crush on him didn't he? I mean, he was really cute and brave and old and Buffy's ex-boyfriend. So okay, I still had a crush on Spike but that was different. I never really got to know Angel like I did Spike. He was so closed off, just like Buffy was. It was no wonder I never really knew him all that well.

"My friend Janice? Her Dad was a cop and then he retired and became a private detective. But all he ever did was spy on people cheating on their wives. I bet what you do is like way more exciting." I chattered brightly trying to ease the silence that grew anytime Angel was around. Why was he always so quiet? It made me wanna talk like all the time and I knew I had a tendency to ramble when I did that.

[weloveyouangel]

She thought what I did was cool? I grinned at that and smiled rubbing the back of my neck as we walked. Yeah, it was pretty cool wasn't it? Least it was something and I liked it alot. It was something to do and something to pass the time and oh yeah, something to do until I got my Shanshu and then I could be with ... Buffy. I sighed and just nodded at her as we kept on walking and she told me about her friend Janice and her dad.

"We had something like that one time. Cordelia, she ... she just wanted to make money and we even ... helped someone in court one time. Anything for money when you don't have it I guess," I said and kept on walking.

"Well the thing about what we did mostly was Cordelia would have visions and then we'd go and fight that, but before she got the visions, we'd get phone calls and stuff like that. We'd still get them but mostly it was all from Cordy's visions," I said and then stopped talking. I was talking alot.

[womansized]

"Cordy's like a psychic, right? Buffy always did this really funny Miss Cleo impression of Cordy when...." I let my words trail off when I realized that Angel was staring at me with puzzlement in his dark eyes. Maybe now wasn't the best time to bring up the jealousy that always sprouted between Cordelia and Buffy. Besides, Cordy was just jealous because Angel always loved Buffy best. And Buffy was jealous because Cordy's boobs were so big you couldn't miss them even if you tried. She always said they were fake but I didn't know. I wondered if I should ask Angel. He might know.

"What happened to Cordelia?" I finally asked him quietly. "And Wesley? And....weren't there other people who worked with you too?" Angel seemed lonely and he needed people to be around him so he wouldn't just be all depressed all the time because he seemed really depressed. Maybe he should take some Zoloft or something. Do they make that for vampires? I should look it up. Or I would once I got done looking up all the other stuff I had to look up.

I wondered if it was a bad question to ask. I mean, Angel looked really sad and it was probably because all of his friends went away. Where did they go? Were they on vacation? Maybe they heard the nerdy sixteen year old needed to be babysat and they all went away for a little while. They wouldn't do that, would they? I wasn't that bad to be around. Maybe it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with Angel. That made more sense.

We were getting closer to the hotel and I was starting to wig out a little bit. I mean, I died in there. I'd never died before. Now I'd never really die. But I'd probably die again or something. I had no idea how this worked and Lorne really didn't explain it very well.