Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me
Angel told me to get some rest and then got all grumpy about it. He was just as moody as Spike was if not worse. I wondered if all vampires were that moody. Would I get all grumpy too in a few years? After everything I knew was dead and I just kept living and living forever and ever? Now I was already grumpy and I wasn't even old like Angel was. Great. Now I couldn't die ever and I couldn't decide whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I guess I could still get hurt and stuff but I wouldn't have to worry about a car crash or getting sick or getting attacked by vampires trying to kill me. I kept trying to feel good about that considering the First and like a ton of Bringers were after me. We'd even seen an uber vamp. Well, Angel saw it up close and personal when it tried to pop his head off. It would have too and he kept telling me to run but what was the point? It wasn't like it could kill me. I think. I wasn't exactly sure about that but I really wished that Lorne had some books lying around. I'd done a ton of research on what it meant to be the key and I knew that it was supposed to exist forever but I'd never really thought about it. I just figured since those monks made me human that the existing forever thing kind of went out the window. The key cannot be destroyed. I should have known.
I didn't want Buffy to know even though that was like the first thing Angel wanted to do. Call Buffy and give her something else to worry about. He always seemed to forget that I wasn't the only one who got shut out of the fight with the First. Mom told me that Buffy would choose and even though I knew it was the First now that had been haunting me, I knew what she had said was true. Buffy wouldn't choose me. I already knew that. She chose all the potential slayers and then shipped me off for Angel to babysit. Well, I wasn't the only one she hadn't chosen. In the end Buffy had chosen Spike over Angel and everyone might think I was just a stupid kid but I knew what was going on with them. With my sister. He just hadn't accepted the fact that she'd ditched him in this fight just as much as she ditched me. She was Buffy so I knew she had her reasons for doing what she was doing but it didn't make it any less true. There was no reason why Buffy had to know about this right now. I'd have to tell her eventually but I just kept remembering what it was like to watch her jump off of that tower. I was sure I'd never forget that, and now I couldn't help but wonder if she had just always known. She knew that if I jumped it wouldn't matter so she had to do it. That idea felt like I was tainting that memory so I decided to push it out of my mind.
Angel was still sipping on his whiskey or scotch or whatever it was that Lorne had poured for him except now he was staring off into space from the chair where he'd sat down. This place was really nice but since Lorne hadn't really shown me where to sleep I guessed I was going to be crashing on the couch tonight. Honestly I didn't really care. Anything was better than sleeping in that hotel with all that space and nothing to fill it except me and Angel. I was used to sleeping in my house in Sunnydale with Willow and Kennedy and Buffy and Spike and everybody else who'd been getting shipped off to Sunnydale lately. I felt too exposed in that hotel and I wasn't sure if that even had anything to do with the fact that I'd died there not all that long ago. He wanted me to go to bed and I wasn't even sure that I could sleep. Not after the day I'd had, even if I was exhausted from fighting and running and umm...dying I guess. Even if I was only dead for a second. A really long second because when I woke back up Angel was already in the shower. I'd accidently walked in on him in the shower and he'd thought I was The First. So not. And he wasn't my deadbeat Dad so he couldn't tell me what to do. I could just...do whatever I wanted to do even though Lorne had told me to stick close to Angel or else the Bringers were going to get me. I didn't even know what to they would do to me since they couldn't kill me, not really. I didn't want to know I finally decided.
I wondered what Lorne told Angel. Whatever it was? It must have been really bad or something. Bad about me I think. Even though I wasn't sure. He hadn't even really looked at me since he'd talked to Lorne and they made it a big point not to tell me or let me overhear what they were saying. Lorne acted like everything was okay but it was hard to tell with him. He was kind of like Clem in that way that I liked him right away even if he was a little different, but it wasn't always easy to tell what was going on. Why couldn't I know? Did they think I couldn't handle it? I'd only end up finding out anyways. I always did and then everybody felt bad about keeping me in the dark only to do it again the next time. I was sixteen years old, I was just as old as Buffy was when she was guarding the hellmouth. Bet no one ever treated her like just another stupid kid when she was my age.
Sinking down on the couch I sighed and wondered why Lorne didn't have a TV or anything. No books, no TV, I guess he just spent a lot of time playing with his stereo and his karaoke stuff. That was pretty cool just as long as he never made me sing again. The only singing I ever did was in the shower and Buffy and Xander still always made fun of me about it all the time. I felt a pang where I'd been stabbed earlier when I thought about my sister and Xander and Willow and Giles. I missed my family and I was a wreck worrying about whether they were okay again. What if Xander showed back up in a few days and brought me back to Sunnydale just to bury my sister. I couldn't go through that again. I wouldn't. Except now I definitely was going to have to go through that again someday. None of them were going to outlive me. I frowned thinking I could just sit on the couch and be quiet and worry all night just like Angel did. Sure I could.
That got really boring after a few minutes.
"What are we gonna do tomorrow?" I turned a worried expression towards Angel as he suddenly glanced up surprised. Like he'd completely forgotten that I was in the room. That was me. Invisible girl. "If I could find some books maybe I could put up a pretty simple barrier spell that Willow taught me. It could help us fend off the Bringers and anymore uber vamps."
I didn't want Buffy to know even though that was like the first thing Angel wanted to do. Call Buffy and give her something else to worry about. He always seemed to forget that I wasn't the only one who got shut out of the fight with the First. Mom told me that Buffy would choose and even though I knew it was the First now that had been haunting me, I knew what she had said was true. Buffy wouldn't choose me. I already knew that. She chose all the potential slayers and then shipped me off for Angel to babysit. Well, I wasn't the only one she hadn't chosen. In the end Buffy had chosen Spike over Angel and everyone might think I was just a stupid kid but I knew what was going on with them. With my sister. He just hadn't accepted the fact that she'd ditched him in this fight just as much as she ditched me. She was Buffy so I knew she had her reasons for doing what she was doing but it didn't make it any less true. There was no reason why Buffy had to know about this right now. I'd have to tell her eventually but I just kept remembering what it was like to watch her jump off of that tower. I was sure I'd never forget that, and now I couldn't help but wonder if she had just always known. She knew that if I jumped it wouldn't matter so she had to do it. That idea felt like I was tainting that memory so I decided to push it out of my mind.
Angel was still sipping on his whiskey or scotch or whatever it was that Lorne had poured for him except now he was staring off into space from the chair where he'd sat down. This place was really nice but since Lorne hadn't really shown me where to sleep I guessed I was going to be crashing on the couch tonight. Honestly I didn't really care. Anything was better than sleeping in that hotel with all that space and nothing to fill it except me and Angel. I was used to sleeping in my house in Sunnydale with Willow and Kennedy and Buffy and Spike and everybody else who'd been getting shipped off to Sunnydale lately. I felt too exposed in that hotel and I wasn't sure if that even had anything to do with the fact that I'd died there not all that long ago. He wanted me to go to bed and I wasn't even sure that I could sleep. Not after the day I'd had, even if I was exhausted from fighting and running and umm...dying I guess. Even if I was only dead for a second. A really long second because when I woke back up Angel was already in the shower. I'd accidently walked in on him in the shower and he'd thought I was The First. So not. And he wasn't my deadbeat Dad so he couldn't tell me what to do. I could just...do whatever I wanted to do even though Lorne had told me to stick close to Angel or else the Bringers were going to get me. I didn't even know what to they would do to me since they couldn't kill me, not really. I didn't want to know I finally decided.
I wondered what Lorne told Angel. Whatever it was? It must have been really bad or something. Bad about me I think. Even though I wasn't sure. He hadn't even really looked at me since he'd talked to Lorne and they made it a big point not to tell me or let me overhear what they were saying. Lorne acted like everything was okay but it was hard to tell with him. He was kind of like Clem in that way that I liked him right away even if he was a little different, but it wasn't always easy to tell what was going on. Why couldn't I know? Did they think I couldn't handle it? I'd only end up finding out anyways. I always did and then everybody felt bad about keeping me in the dark only to do it again the next time. I was sixteen years old, I was just as old as Buffy was when she was guarding the hellmouth. Bet no one ever treated her like just another stupid kid when she was my age.
Sinking down on the couch I sighed and wondered why Lorne didn't have a TV or anything. No books, no TV, I guess he just spent a lot of time playing with his stereo and his karaoke stuff. That was pretty cool just as long as he never made me sing again. The only singing I ever did was in the shower and Buffy and Xander still always made fun of me about it all the time. I felt a pang where I'd been stabbed earlier when I thought about my sister and Xander and Willow and Giles. I missed my family and I was a wreck worrying about whether they were okay again. What if Xander showed back up in a few days and brought me back to Sunnydale just to bury my sister. I couldn't go through that again. I wouldn't. Except now I definitely was going to have to go through that again someday. None of them were going to outlive me. I frowned thinking I could just sit on the couch and be quiet and worry all night just like Angel did. Sure I could.
That got really boring after a few minutes.
"What are we gonna do tomorrow?" I turned a worried expression towards Angel as he suddenly glanced up surprised. Like he'd completely forgotten that I was in the room. That was me. Invisible girl. "If I could find some books maybe I could put up a pretty simple barrier spell that Willow taught me. It could help us fend off the Bringers and anymore uber vamps."