Starting A New Life // Joick // PG-13
Title: Starting A New Life
Pairing: Joe/Nick
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3 068 Words
Warnings: Cursing, Incest
Prompt: I was talking with someone about how they just seem to be so...in LOVE since Joe and Camilla broke up, and...well...this is the result. Haha
Summary: He crowds closer to Nick with a strangled sort of sob, his tears already staining his brother’s shoulder as they just flood out of him. It’s like everything he kept back and kept down for the past however many hours since he last saw her is coming out of him at once.
Genre: Angst, Fluff
This tour has been…weird. When everyone doesn’t need to be there, they aren’t always, which is new. Like, Nick has kind of been flying off to Georgia on their days off to visit Miley, and Kev has been skipping off to Jersey a lot, especially since the engagement, and Joe, well, he’s been spending his days off in LA with Camilla. It’s just strange and kind of disjointed, and Joe’s not sure if he likes it or not. It’s like they're less of a unit, especially him and Nick. He tries to tell himself that this is just growing up, that it’s natural to have distance between brothers. He tells himself that if they lived a normal life, he and Kevin would be off at college right now and only seeing the family a few times a year.
But they aren’t normal. And they’re not at college. They still see each other most nights and a lot of the time during the days for press stuff, but it’s just…whenever there’s free time, they all kind of jet off to different parts of the country. During days off on their past tours, Joe and Nick would just sit in their hotel room and watch movies or have contests to see who could fit the most grapes in their mouth or something, and Joe misses that. He misses it a lot. It’s like the end of what was left of his carefree self. He doesn’t know how to phrase that without making it sound weird, though, so he doesn’t really tell Nick that he feels that way.
But Joe misses that closeness with his little brother, probably more than he should. It’s a closeness that the entire family has always tried hard not to see, even something that Joe and Nick put extra effort into ignoring. And the worst part is everyone around them makes excuses for it. Like, ‘Oh, Joe and Nicky were sharing a bed? It’s because Nick gets night terrors.’ (He doesn’t.) Or, ‘Those noises coming from their hotel room? Oh, boys will be boys; they were probably just wrestling.’ (They weren’t.)
But this tour has been different. Because Joe’s in a committed relationship and Nick’s too busy being superman, insanely focused on finishing high school and for whatever reason, this tour just doesn’t feel isolated like the others did. Usually when they’re out on tour, it’s like 3 months removed from the rest of the world; they live and eat and sleep in their little chaotic bubble without paying much attention to anything outside of it. Including girlfriends. Especially girlfriends, when it comes to Joe and Nick.
And, yeah, Joe’s happy with Camilla. He really thinks he loves her, honestly, but it’s just…weird not being connected to Nick like he used to be. It’s weird having that space between them that just wasn’t ever there. Even when he’s alone with Nick, it’s not like it used to be. Things are kind of tense, kind of awkward and heavy with the knowledge of what they’ve done together and where they left off; the last night of the past tour hadn't been exactly Disney approved, to say the least.
But Joe’s tried. He’s actually trying really hard to lead a fairly normal life. But Nick’s always there, the memories of nights spent tangled together in hotel beds always present at the back of his mind. But he does his best to squash it down, trying to convince himself that it was just for those old tours; it only mattered while it was happening; no feelings or attachment remain. Nick’s his brother.
It’s on one of those days off that they’re lying in Camilla's bed, all wrapped up in each other. The sun is streaming in through the open windows, the curtains swirling in the warm California breeze. He can hear the waves crashing fifteen floors down, the distant squeal of a child playing on the beach, the even more distant blast of a car horn. The scent of summer hangs heavy in the air, everything smelling of exotic flowers and sunshine and sex.
His fingers skim lazily over the bare skin of her stomach, hand coming to rest on the swell of her hip. Her skin is warm and smooth and the color of a Brazilian dream. She has the kind of beauty that he’s never seen before. He kisses the top of her head, trying hard to remind himself that she’s all his right now, that he’s lucky enough that she wants him, maybe as much as he wants her.
“I love you,” he murmurs into her hair, and for a moment, he has this flash of her, all effortless, swirling beauty and genuine laughter, smiling with all the light in the world.
“I love you too,” she replies after a beat, the easy comfort and rhythm of the words rolling off her tongue.
And, years in the future, he probably won’t know exactly why he says it. It might be the fact that they’re on tour and this rare, quiet moment with her is all he could get, or it might be because he’s just so warm and happy. It might have something to do with seeing Kevin so elated to be with Danielle after their engagement, or it might be the afterglow of sex talking, but for whatever reason, he’s suddenly buzzing and everything seems perfect.
He lowers his lips to her ear, feels her body relax into his, and a warm, contented sigh passes over her lips. “Marry me,” he whispers to her, his heart beating a lazy rhythm in his chest. “Will you?”
There’s honestly a second there when he thinks she’s going to say yes. He actually can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t say yes. But then she kind of freezes up in his arms, pulls back to look at him with a slight frown on her face, her eyes searching his, wide and confused, and he feels his stomach clench.
“Joe, I…what? Joe, we…we can’t get married,” she says, and he hates the way that it sounds like she’s being condescending, like she’s talking down to him, and he’s suddenly very aware of their age difference.
“Why…why not?” he asks, fighting the urge to squeeze his eyes closed and cry like a child. He doesn’t want this moment to turn sour; all he wants to do is hold her tight and take it back, make her forget he ever said anything. But there’s already a distance between them that was never there. He can feel her drifting further away emotionally, and he suddenly feels exposed, more naked than his lack of clothing can explain.
“Joseph,” she says pityingly, “you're still just a kid, querido. I love you, but…I just don’t think we’re on the same page. You're always out on tour, and I'm always busy doing movies, and it’s just not a good idea right now, okay? This…it’s not that kind of relationship.”
“But--” he starts, but she cuts him off.
“Joe, it was fun while we were both in LA, okay? Don’t ruin what we had.” And she’s already climbing out of bed, pulling on her robe. He’s left there on her bed, staring up at her with his mouth open a little. She closes her eyes, and for a second it’s like she regrets having to say this to him. He watches her, numb and cold and wondering what the hell he just did, and she doesn’t look him in the eye when she says, “Look, Joseph. I really do love you, okay? I do, but…you don’t want to marry me. You're in love with your music and your lifestyle and…and, Joe, you're…God, you're in love with someone else. And I can’t let you make the mistake of pushing him away anymore.”
It feels like ice flooding his veins as he takes in what she’s saying to him. He wants to deny it, wants to tell her that she’s got it all wrong, that it’s just a misunderstanding, but he can’t bring himself to lie to her like that.
“Joe, I think you should go,” she says quietly, handing him his clothes. “Go fix this, okay?”
He’s numb as he climbs out of bed and starts pulling his clothes on. He wants to say something, wants to apologize or beg or maybe scream, but it’s like nothing is working anymore. His body goes through the motions of gathering his things, and he shrugs away when she tries to kiss his cheek on the way out the door. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t say goodbye, doesn’t tell her he loves her. Because he knows she’s right, but he can’t face her, not now that she’s told him what he was just too much of an idiot to see. He takes the elevator down, drives to the airport, and books himself on the next plane to wherever the hell he’s supposed to be going for the next tour date. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t care, and when he lands in Detroit, he takes the limo provided for him by someone who must have gotten the heads up that he was coming in early to the hotel that they have booked, and collapses on one of the beds as soon as the door is closed behind him.
It’s a long time before the door opens again; someone flips on the light, dragging a bag in and dropping it with a loud thunk. Joe groans, shifting in the bed. He hasn’t slept, but his eyes had gotten used to the quiet darkness.
“Shit,” Joe hears Nick’s voice curse. “God, Joe, you scared me. I didn’t expect you to be here until tomorrow morning.”
Joe grunts noncommittally into his pillow. He isn’t sure if he even remembers how to be pleasant anymore. He can feel Nick’s stare on him, can tell his little brother is looking at him with concern in his eyes, but he doesn’t lift his head to see.
“Alright,” Nick says, and Joe can hear him crossing the room. “Spill. What happened?”
“I'm never dating a girl again,” Joe says, his voice muffled by the pillow. “They know too much.”
“So…you're like officially gay now? Cool, man. I'm open minded,” Nick says, and Joe lifts his head to glare.
“Not funny, Nicholas,” he says, and even Joe’s surprised by the hardness of his voice.
He sees the concern flash on Nick’s face at that, and Nick moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Joe almost smiles when he feels a warm, callused hand brushing his hair back from his eyes and angling his chin so he’s forced to stare up at his little brother.
“Joey, what happened? Was it something with Camilla?” Nick asks, all sarcastic undertones gone from his voice.
Joe just squeezes his eyes shut tight, curling in on himself. He can’t handle the look in Nick’s eyes right now. It’s that “tell me what she did wrong, and I’ll make sure she never does it again” look that Nick gets when he’s being really protective. Joe feels the bed sink as Nick slips under the covers with him, fully clothed, and wraps himself around Joe, his strong, solid arms holding on tight. And they haven’t done this in so long. They haven’t shared a bed or been in each other’s space like this since the tour ended last summer, and as soon as Joe thinks of the reason that they haven’t, images of Camilla flood his mind.
He crowds closer to Nick with a strangled sort of sob, his tears already staining his brother’s shoulder as they just flood out of him. It’s like everything he kept back and kept down for the past however many hours since he last saw her is coming out of him at once. God, he’s so embarrassed to be crying like this, but he kind of can’t keep it in any longer. But Nick’s there. He’s there with soothing words and gentle hands, rubbing circles into Joe’s back and whispering that it’s going to be okay. Joe’s not sure he believes him, but it’s nice to convince himself that he does.
“God, Nick, I just…I love her so much,” he chokes out, and it doesn’t matter that Nick has no clue what he’s talking about.
“I know you do,” Nick mutters, lips in his hair. “I know, I know. It’s okay. Just…just let it out.”
“Nick, I pushed you away. You got shoved out be-because I loved her too much. Nick, I'm so sorry,” Joe says, his voice still obnoxiously cracked and shaky.
“Oh, Joseph, no,” Nick says, squeezing Joe tighter and holding on. “Don’t say that. It’s okay to love her. It’s okay to grow away from me.”
“No, no, no,” Joe sobs, his hand fisting in Nick’s shirt and pulling him impossibly closer. “You don’t get it. I made too many mistakes. God, I'm such an idiot.”
“Joey, what? No, don’t be ridiculous,” he says, and he just doesn’t understand.
“She doesn’t…she’s…Nick,” Joe whines, and he just has to stop for a second because he’s crying now, really crying, for the first time in years, and he can feel his throat closing, can feel his tears taking over. “I…I messed up so bad. I-I…God, I can’t believe I'm such an idiot.”
“Joe, what did you do? You didn’t cheat on her did you?” Nick asks, his voice surprised and confused. “Did she find out? Is that it?”
“God, no. It’s so much worse than that,” Joe says, and he suddenly can’t be this close to Nick. He can’t face him. He’s such a failure; he isn’t good enough for this comfort. And he squirms away, twisting out of his brother’s hold with more effort than should be needed.
Nick’s one step ahead of him, though, and has him pinned to the mattress, hovering over him in a second. “Stop it,” Nick says as Joe continues to thrash and try to wiggle away. “Stop. Now. Tell me what happened. What did you do?”
Joe feels young. He feels so fucking young right now. He feels like a child, and he can’t stand it. But with Nick holding him down with that stare, he can’t do anything but comply. “I asked her to marry me,” Joe whispers, so low that he isn’t even sure Nick hears him. It’s just a breath across his lips, barely forming words.
But then Nick’s face breaks into sympathy, and he drops his body down onto Joe’s, smothering him, comforting him, something. “Joe…Joseph…baby. You…you what?”
“It just kind of happened. It was stupid and in the moment and not thought out and…I fucked up, Nick. Really,” Joe whispers, and it’s almost kind of hard to breathe with Nick crushing him down like this.
“What did she say?” Nick asks, and his voice is wondering and quiet, like he doesn’t know if he wants to hear the answer.
“Not much. She…she kicked me out. And told me ‘it’s been fun,’” Joe says bitterly. He doesn’t know why, but as soon as Nick pulls back to look him in the eye, his tears well up again. “She said it’s because…because I'm in love with someone else.”
It’s like…the look that Nick gives him then is so confused and open and, honestly, he looks a little relieved. And they're staring at each other, staring at each other for real for the first time in what feels like forever, and Joe just starts to laugh, because there isn’t anything else he can do right now. He’s laughing so fucking hard that he can’t breathe. The corner of Nick’s mouth twitches up, his carefully composed concern cracking a little, and then they're both laughing. Nick rolls off him, clutching at his sides, and they both just…laugh.
Their laughter eventually dies down, eventually leads to them staring at the ceiling and breathing in unison, a peaceful silence falling between them. Joe just…he feels so much better. Camilla is the furthest thing from his mind, and he’s so thankful that he has Nick around to fix him when he breaks. He turns his head on the pillow to look at his little brother, and he’s a bit surprised when he finds Nick already there, staring back at him with glittering eyes.
“So…” Joe says quietly, trailing the word out.
“So…committed relationship?” Nick asks, nudging a little closer.
“Over,” Joe replies, pulling a face. “Miley?”
“Probably not going to happen again,” Nick admits, his voice soft and his face really close to Joe’s on the pillow. “Mom and Dad?”
“Two floors down,” Joe says, and he can hear his voice getting husky, can feel his body pulling closer to Nick’s without him telling it to. “And Kevin?”
“Still in Jersey,” Nick mutters, his eyes flickering to Joe’s lips. “Frankie?”
“He’s with…uhh…downstairs with…Mom…” Joe says, and his head feels clouded, overwhelmed with the ache for something he’s gone without for months. “Umm…are we out of…out of excuses not to…not to uhh…do this?”
And Nick closes the gap between them, their lips colliding with the pent-up force of too many months without each other, and he hears the wine building at the back of his brother’s throat, feels his own groan slipping from his lips as his fingers move to tangle in Nick’s hair. Nick moves over him, and Joe reaches up to unbutton his brother’s shirt without disconnecting their lips, sliding his hands up his bare chest once the shirt is open. He pushes his hands up to Nick’s shoulders, sliding the material off his arms and dropping it next to the bed.
When Nick moves to mouth at his neck, sucking a red mark that Joe knows he’ll have to cover for a few days, Joe gasps and arches his back, hips bucking up in search of friction. “I love you,” Joe groans out. “God, I love you so much.”
And hours later, after Nick’s passed out on the bed, fast asleep and lost to the world, his hair all pulled out and a dark bruise forming on his shoulder, Joe brushes his fingers over the pale skin of his brother’s cheek, knowing that what he has right here is so much better than what he could have had if Camilla wasn’t one of the best people he had ever met, if she hadn't sacrificed her heart for his.