So I have been quiet lately
Lots to think about and more. Twenty years ago on the 17th the war started but was more important was the 16th. The day was the same for me the 16th last sat and twenty years ago. A day of quiet reflection even though the weather was cold and overcast here and bright and clear then the rest the same. The quiet it was deafening. I stood outside with a cup of coffee , thinking the only thing missing was my line chief, we both had stood there and looked out at the desert not speaking but I knew what was on his mind. Could the man standing next to him do it again and hack it. I did once Grenada but that time was different. I was fine during the few missions I did but later after wards when showed the pictures of what I had done and who's lives I had ended. I lost it went on a 3 day bender did not remember any of it. If I had never seen the pictures of the results of my missions it would have been ok I would not have those images in my mind. My C.O. the General he was in Vietnam saw all the stuff that went down he knew what was happening inside me. He said it never happened and we never spoke of it again. When Iraq invaded Kuwait I was the first one he asked to be recalled to active duty even with knees that had just been put back together and a two broken vertebra in my neck. I was back in 12 hours ready to go. My line chief he had been there also. He got me back to base sobered up cleaned up and slapped some sense into me. He held my hand, poured coffee down my throat and looked into my eyes seeing the pain, I saw the pain in his from long ago. He said get going sir straighten up fly right you have men to lead and I have a job to do and only part of mine is keeping you straight the rest is on you. So pulled on my boots purged my emotions and did my job. I became a machine then. That day 20 years ago he was questioning me I could feel it. I never looked at him we both stood drank coffee and were silent if I had told him I was ok he would have had his answer no but I knew I was ready and did not have to tell him so he knew I was good to go. It was the quiet before the storm even the General was out there standing arms crossed the 1ST Sgt was with him, his aide and orderly close by. He took a long look at me from far away he to had his question and he got his answer. I had to look around me and question so many see if everyone could be depended on. We were staged and spotted to go locked loaded topped off sharp as a razors we knew the balloon was going up we were ordered to stand down for crew rest. Saturday was like I was still connected through time even with the chief dead he was still there next to me quiet like then. The only sound the occasional car now, then was the odd truck or transport. The quiet was deafening still. The stillness surrounded me sank through me to my core. I was planted there frozen in time in two places in one time. I was in the past and present all at once. I was able to break the spell and come back together and move forward later that night at Bats I drank a toast to those who died on both sides and those who lived wounded and all. I remember every mission every order and weapon launched every explosion, I relive it in my dreams and it never changes. I see everything and more. So I had my twenty year anniversary I went by the VFW and the Legion on Sunday had a drink with the old guys not many of the WWII boys left some Korea vets the Vietnam guys and a few girls are around the Gulf and Iraq kids like myself one them I ran into well hes not as lucky as me more messed up cant keep a job and such has some memory problems so I tell him hey here that 20 for working for me a while back and "pay" him he kinda smiles and says oh yeah I forgot about that. I and others there make sure he has food and try to find him something to do. Hes a good guy just a little lost all the time. He has that thousand yard stare we all get from time to time his just is all the time. Well I need sleep even though I cant sleep since then.