This is too personal of a post, but whateva
Last night I got drunk with Keely and Ben after work, and we talked about relationships and hurt and understanding. About what it is to be the one who calls the whole thing off. I was pretty buzzy, so it was hard to concentrate the whole time, but meh. We had fun buying each other drinks and trying to get Ben drunk (he stayed an hour longer than he planned). We talked about how everyone thought I hated them when i started, which is really funny to me now, because I dont even remember that time in my life. I couldnt tell you how the kitchen treated me when I started or who was nicer than who. Its strange, but my sucky long term memory does that to me.
SO the hardest part is when he moves on. Ive heard that before, and i tried to brace myself for it, but when i realized today that it's already begun it hurt. And then I was so angry. I was angry that I am the one who is moving out and getting together all his things, and that I am the one who is scrubbing the floors of our apartment. And that I am the one finding to subletter and getting all the paperwork done, and that I have to throw out the things he chose to leave behind. Im mad that I had to pay so much rent for those couple months because the lease was in my name, and that he took the futon that he didnt buy. Im mad that he answers the phone "what do you want" and that the night he found out I slept with someone else he trashed my apartment and I had to clean it all up. Im mad that when I got home on Christmas and found my apartment a mess and my 6ft photograph wrecked, my alcohol gone and shit everywhere, that I had NO ONE to talk to. I called the people I thought would be there and help me, but no one cared. I was sitting in my trashed apartment half crying and half panicking, and i had people talking to me about their own lives, what they got for christmas and so on. I was so unhappy and freaked out that I didnt know what to do. No one cared. Only Greg did. He was the last person I called, and he listened, talked, and made me laugh. Maybe its because he's older and more mature than everyone else I tried, but he was there for me in a weird way that I wasnt used to.
And thats when i realized that I can do this. I can find other friends over the span of my life who will truly be there for me, i just gotta find them. Ive held onto some of my high school friends out of comfort, but when one of them tells you that you need to be more like you were in high school to continue the friendship, you realize whats important.
So, i dont do new years resolutions anymore, because the other ben i work with (in the kitchen) said his was to be less of a dick, and then he preceded to be more of a dick than usual. Basically, i mean that no one follows through and everyones a bitch. This year is just going to be all new for me, because Im single now, for the first time in 4 years, and Im 21, the first time ever, and i've got big ideas and big plans for my paintings. The year is going to be about the new, the unknown, and the catastrophic, because im really only going to be 21 once.
Im not gunna lie.
So, on New years eve eve, i got drunk with Abbie, Erin, Laura, and Becky. And I had more fun that night with a group of girls that I didnt really know (besides abbie) than I have had in so long.
SO the hardest part is when he moves on. Ive heard that before, and i tried to brace myself for it, but when i realized today that it's already begun it hurt. And then I was so angry. I was angry that I am the one who is moving out and getting together all his things, and that I am the one who is scrubbing the floors of our apartment. And that I am the one finding to subletter and getting all the paperwork done, and that I have to throw out the things he chose to leave behind. Im mad that I had to pay so much rent for those couple months because the lease was in my name, and that he took the futon that he didnt buy. Im mad that he answers the phone "what do you want" and that the night he found out I slept with someone else he trashed my apartment and I had to clean it all up. Im mad that when I got home on Christmas and found my apartment a mess and my 6ft photograph wrecked, my alcohol gone and shit everywhere, that I had NO ONE to talk to. I called the people I thought would be there and help me, but no one cared. I was sitting in my trashed apartment half crying and half panicking, and i had people talking to me about their own lives, what they got for christmas and so on. I was so unhappy and freaked out that I didnt know what to do. No one cared. Only Greg did. He was the last person I called, and he listened, talked, and made me laugh. Maybe its because he's older and more mature than everyone else I tried, but he was there for me in a weird way that I wasnt used to.
And thats when i realized that I can do this. I can find other friends over the span of my life who will truly be there for me, i just gotta find them. Ive held onto some of my high school friends out of comfort, but when one of them tells you that you need to be more like you were in high school to continue the friendship, you realize whats important.
So, i dont do new years resolutions anymore, because the other ben i work with (in the kitchen) said his was to be less of a dick, and then he preceded to be more of a dick than usual. Basically, i mean that no one follows through and everyones a bitch. This year is just going to be all new for me, because Im single now, for the first time in 4 years, and Im 21, the first time ever, and i've got big ideas and big plans for my paintings. The year is going to be about the new, the unknown, and the catastrophic, because im really only going to be 21 once.
Im not gunna lie.
So, on New years eve eve, i got drunk with Abbie, Erin, Laura, and Becky. And I had more fun that night with a group of girls that I didnt really know (besides abbie) than I have had in so long.