(no subject)
so it happened again. i lost another one i love. my bestfriend cant seem to stand me anymore, and im totally sure its not my fault. this is why i dont open up, dont tell anyone anything. for all my talk the thing that upsets me the most is being looked at like a freak/psycho. i cant stand this place. it hurts so much that i came quite close to taking every pill i own last night. ppl shouldnt try to assume how i feel and make decisions for me that really hurt. do u kno what its like to see a gun pressed against ur head, to feel the cold of the barrel? i do, every night for years now. sometimes i wish it wasnt my imagination, sometimes i wish... im entering the most depressing part of the yr for me, im outta meds and have no one to lean on. im not so sure ill handle it this time around. all i want is one last time to explain it all. to let u kno the truth and hopefully make u understand. but its clear thats not gonna happen. im crying and i kno i kno why but i cant for some reason see it. u think u make my world worthless. u dont. the voices, visions, screams only stop with u. and right now they sing like never before. i cant handle this, i dont want to. no amount of pain can dull this, not this time. i dont get why u lie to me, have been lying to me for months. just say the truth. tell me u can stand the sight of me, that u want nothing to do with me. crash the blade of ur axe thru my skull, let the pressure out. ease the strain i feel. just dont lie. all i want is one last talk. to see/hear u once more. but i kno u wont, why would u when uv gone thru all this. please someone, just end it. why did this happen to me again. why to i let it happen. i kno better then this, i kno u cant handle it. just like everyone else. u think u can, u dig to find what i burry for a reason. but whenever it becomes exposed its the same everytime. alienation isnt what it used to be.