i have to block out thoughts of you so i dont loose my head

[maiacatherine]

so my life feels like it has pretty much no purpose. I spend my time trying to occupy it the best i can, trying to give things meaning- but it isnt working well. I wish for one second that i could regain all that lust for life i had at one point. Here i am 18, and feeling jaded as all hell. Watching reruns on TV, trying hard to make some sense of this monotony. I wonder so many things inside my lonely mind. I ponder exsistance, and i wonder if this is really what i want and if this is really the real deal. All i can remember is the utter want and need i had a year ago. How id kill for another chance, how i prayed somewhere in the deepest part of my heart that for some reason he'd walk the earth back to me. Now here i am in this strange unsure state, loathing the situation and not to mention myself for being such a god damn sissy.Why am i being so stupid, why am i being so sad, why am i sulking over something that will inevitably end. This 5 months will be over in...five fucking months, as i am sure all these hopes and dreams will come crashing down. Sure he says all these things but, ofcourse the monumental BUT, maybe he's just in love with the idea of being in love.

i've found myself filling my time with maybe's

But ofcourse there's always that little light of hope, the one that seems to fill my darkest hours and lift my saddest brows. Its that hope that stems from all those words and all those promises, all the opinions steff has that i can't say arent truths. I think im just falling into the separation anxiety. I want everything to be a certain way, but when i think it is a certain way i question its validity- im so screwed up.

my loneliness is killing me