Someone Else's Life
Jared kept himself busy cleaning the already spotless bar. He was so tense now his head hurt. Jesus what did he want to talk about? He didn’t want to talk; he wanted to forget he had even set eyes on him. Forget he had touched him, kissed him. Forget that it felt so damn good. Chad was out there somewhere alone and Jared was here feeling things he didn’t want to feel, things he knew he wasn’t allowed to. Not this, not now, not ever. God he should know by now nothing good comes from him letting people in.
It wasn’t until he could no longer see the bar he was so busy wiping that he realised that his eyes were blurred with unshed tears. Dropping the cloth onto the counter, he muttered a quick excuse to a bewildered Julie and ducked out the side door and out the back of the bar, where he sat on a beer barrel, leaning his head back against the wall, gathering his strength again. Last night had been a mistake, a massive mistake. Chad, all he could think about lately was Chad; he should have been here by now. He was so scared something had happened to him, so fucking scared he wasn’t going to come. What if he was dead? It would be his fault, his fault that yet again someone died for him, because of him.
Without warning his mind wandered back to last night and he found himself running his fingertips across his lips. He hadn’t kissed anyone since Edward, hadn’t thought about anyone in that way since Edward. The fact that he chose now to start to fall for someone was just a testament to how utterly stupid he was. For God’s sake this wasn’t even real! This wasn’t his life, he was living a fucking lie and Jensen, Jensen knew nothing about him, he didn’t know the truth. He shouldn’t be here, this was all wrong, all of it. He should go back to L.A. and stop hiding. Stop being a fucking coward for once, stop running like he always did and go face Robert and find Chad.
Make it right.
“I can hear you thinking from here.”
Jared jumped, startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Jensen’s voice so close. Wide eyed he looked, and there he was, Leaning one shoulder against the wall, feet crossed at the ankles, and his hands in his pockets. He was going to very great lengths to hide how nervous he was, but Jared could see. He could always see.
“I was thinking it is time for me to go.”
“Go? Where?”
Jared had turned his face away to stare out in front of him, but turned his head and faced Jensen again.
“Back to L.A., I can’t stay here forever you know. It’s time for me to go.”
“But is it safe for you to go back? I mean, whoever was looking for you, wouldn’t they know you’re back? It isn’t safe yet Jared, you should stay!”
Jared’s eyebrows rose, “What do you care Jensen? I mean, job is done right? You got what you wanted right? It shouldn’t be hard for you to come up with some excuse as to why I am no longer around.”
Jensen moved from his spot a few feet away, just a little closer, watching Jared closely all the while.
“But we had a deal right? The house? I am to draw up a lease, sign it over to you, so it will be yours with no more worries from me. Don’t you want it anymore?”
Jared looked away again and shrugged, struggling to maintain an air of boredom, “Nah, I kinda decided to move on you know? I mean it’s nice here and all, but, time to get back to some excitement, I just get bored easy I guess.”
Jensen gazed at the man in front of him, and marvelled at what he just hadn’t been able to see before. He was lying, Jared was lying through his teeth. God knows how he knew, but he did. It was written all over the tense way he was holding his body, the way the knuckles in his hands that were clenched into fists were white. In the way he wouldn’t look Jensen in the face, and hadn’t done since he got here.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Sorry?” A scoffed laugh followed and Jared continued in the drawl Jensen now knew with surprising clarity that he hid behind, “Sweetheart, I don’t care what you believe, but I’m telling you I’m going.”
“You’re lying Jared. Look me in the face and tell me you’re not lying. Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not running cause of what happened last night. Tell me you’re not as affected by that kiss as I was.”
Jared could smell him now, smell the cologne he was wearing. He had moved closer step by little step as he had called Jared on his lies. He couldn’t breathe, he had to leave. He couldn’t do this. Straightening up with the intention of leaving he found himself trapped by two arms that snaked out without warning and placed themselves at either side of his face. Jensen had used the fact that Jared was sitting and leaning back to his full advantage, and even though Jared knew he could easily move Jensen away from him, he found himself frozen.
“You’re lying Jared. I have no idea why I know, but I do. I can’t stop thinking about last night. I was stupid, I have been stupid for so long, for years. I let David treat me like an idiot for so long I became one. But all it took, all it fucking took was for one kiss from you. When you kissed me it was like having my eyes opened for the first time. I don’t want David, I want....”
Stepping back then, enough to let Jared breathe easy he continued, knowing he had to look him in the face for this, let Jared see he was being honest and open. “I want to give you and me a go. I want to get to know you better Jared, there is something here, between you and me and I want to explore that. I think, I think we could be good.”
Jared stared wide eyed at Jensen for a few minutes, enough to make Jensen nervous and then, then he burst out laughing. “Are you serious? Jesus Jensen are you out of your fucking mind? There is nothing between us! Nothing! It was an act, don’t you get that? I was pretending! I don’t want this! I don’t want some simple apple pie life!”
“Stop it!”
The words, spoken clearly but in such a low dangerous voice stopped Jared in his tracks and he gazed wide eyed once more at the man before him. Jensen stood just inches from him, hands clenched into fists at his side and his eyes narrowed as he fired green daggers from their depths. “Just fucking stop lying Jared. Look. I get that you’re scared, I don’t know why. I can only guess that someone hurt you pretty bad in the past to make you this closed off. All I know is...” He stepped closer, closing the gap to nothing as he stood chest to chest staring Jared down. “All I know is, my family like you, I mean, really really like you. Chris has just warned me not to ever hurt you. My best friend who is usually so protective of me has warned me not to hurt you.”
Taking his very life in his hands and aware of what he had done to David last night for touching him, Jensen raised his hand slowly, and gently touched Jared’s cheek, and apart from flinching back for a second and the look of wide eyed fear in his eyes Jared made no move to kill him. “I don’t know what it is about you Jared. You are arrogant, and touchy, you drive me nuts and make me want to scream. But you wear those ridiculous sweatpants that are gonna fall apart all the goddamn time and I’m going crazy thinking about you, about touching you, about kissing you again. I wasn’t like this with David. I feel like you’ve gotten right under my skin and, I don’t want to get you out. I want to get to know you better. I want to know you Jared. Please?”
Jared gazed into wide green eyes for a long moment. Jensen was waiting, his whole face telling him he was being honest. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t afford to be broken like that again, he wouldn’t survive it. Raising his hand to cup the hand that rested on his cheek he gently lowered both, still holding Jensen’s hand gently in his. Without even meaning to his fingers laced with Jensen’s and he looked down in wonder at how they meshed together.
Jared’s guard was down and Jensen felt his heart crack at the look of wonder on his face as he gazed at their hands, Jesus he would give anything for five minutes alone with the person who had made Jared this afraid. “I know you’re scared Jared, hell I’m scared. I know I can’t guarantee you the perfect life, but I can guarantee you I will do my utmost to prove to you I’m worth the effort. We can do this, if you really want to, we can do this. I can move out of the house if you want. We can take this as slow as you like. Just let me try. I can show you that not everyone is out to hurt you Jared. I know someone broke your heart, I can see how frightened you are, but I’m not them, I’m better than that I swear to you.”
Jared struggled to find his voice, “Jensen, there is so much you don’t know about me, stuff I haven’t told you. You family, they won’t want me around when they know.”
Jensen gave into the urge he had been fighting for weeks and ran his free hand through Jared’s wayward hair, finding it as soft as he had thought. “Then you can tell me everything. As much or as little as you like, and my family won’t hate you and my Mom already thinks you’re the second coming. We do this slow ok? It’s not a requirement that I know it all on the outset, it’s enough to know that my gut tells me you are a good man.”
“No, I’m not. Jensen, I can’t, I can’t do this...I know you would be worth the effort, I can see that so clearly. You’re perfect, but I’m not. I’m not worth this, I will end up hurting you, and you will end up hurt because of me. I can’t....”
Jensen could see the despair Jared was letting himself sink into, and again cursing the person that had broken this beautiful man this way, he did the first thing that came into his head in an effort to convince him.
He kissed him.
Surprise widened Jared’s eyes at the first touch of lips against his. Two hands came up to frame his face with a gentleness he hadn’t felt in years and his eyes fluttered closed and lips seduced and fingertips stroked his face gently. Slowly he gave himself up to the kiss and let Jensen control it completely, and control it he did. He put everything he had into that kiss; it wasn’t the kiss of the night before. This kiss told Jared how much he wanted this. Jensen spoke without using words. As Jensen’s mouth met his he felt his plea to just try, as each meeting of their lips became longer and sighs deepened he heard Jensen’s promise to make it worth it. As Jensen’s fingertips gently stroked his cheeks as he tried to persuade Jared to let him in, he heard Jensen swear that he knew Jared was a good man, and as Jared finally opened his mouth and let Jensen in to explore his mouth with his tongue, Jensen had his answer.
Yes. Yes, oh God yes, please.
Finally Jensen pulled back and was gratified when Jared’s mouth followed his, his eyes still closed. He grinned as he kissed him one more time, open and wet and hot, oh so hot, his hands now lost in Jared’s hair, fingers tangled in curls and waves he wasn’t sure he ever wanted out of. Jared’s hands came up to hold Jensen’s face in his hands and the kiss deepened as his fingers spread across his cheeks. Jared took control this time, hands and mouth and tongue learning the taste of Jensen’s mouth, the feel of his tongue on his and the curve of his cheekbones. Breath quickened and groans deepened as Jared fell back against the wall, Jensen’s body hard against his. Jared’s hands roamed of their own accord down Jensen’s arms across to his back and down, down, until his hands cupped the curve of Jensen’s ass pulling him to him tighter, harder, until neither could breathe.
The lack of air forced them apart and Jared rested his forehead on Jensen’s, breathing hard, his hazel eyes blown wide and dark. Jensen smiled and Jared felt a smile break out on his own face in return and Jensen’s breath caught in his throat,
“Jesus Jared, I like the way we settled this, but you keep smiling like that and I’m going to forget all about taking this slow. How about we go home, let Mom fuss over you for another few hours before they head back tomorrow and then we can talk. We got time, loads of time, ok?”
Jared kissed his forehead and agreed and they pulled apart slowly. Jared tugged on Jensen’s hand as he moved away and he looked back questioningly. “Jensen, there are things....sometimes I get lost....in my head....just....I get...worried, scared....I just need....”
Jensen moved toward him and shushed him with a finger to his lips, he kissed him softly and whispered “It’s ok; if you get scared and try to run me off I promise I won’t go anywhere. I will stay right here, I swear, you and I, we are both worth this and I’m gonna prove it. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Come on, we will pop up and reassure Chris and Sophia we haven’t killed each other and go home and get pampered by Mom, sound good?”
“Sounds good.” Jared grinned again and Jensen had to bite his lip hard to keep from kissing that grin. Instead he squeezed Jared’s hand and whispered “As slow as you like ok?”
For the first time in over two years, Jared felt hope flaring to life again. Maybe it would be alright, maybe he could have this, just this and not have it snatched away.
**********************
That evening as Jared and Jensen relaxed with his family, playing basketball in the yard with Michael as Catherine and Joe looked on smiling contentedly and refereeing the squabbles that the three men got into, a well dressed man in his fifties threw himself into a seat in a diner in a small town just outside of Dallas.
As he waited for the burger and fries he ordered to be delivered, he absentmindedly picked up a newspaper left there by another customer, all the while bemoaning the shitty salesman job he desperately tried to make work. He choked on the water he was sipping when he spotted the announcement.
The little bastard!
So that’s where he ran off to! Looked like he had landed on his feet too. He grinned suddenly, the dimples on his cheeks that looked identical to the ones his nephew wore, out of place in a cold smile.
Time for a family reunion.
chapter 13
It wasn’t until he could no longer see the bar he was so busy wiping that he realised that his eyes were blurred with unshed tears. Dropping the cloth onto the counter, he muttered a quick excuse to a bewildered Julie and ducked out the side door and out the back of the bar, where he sat on a beer barrel, leaning his head back against the wall, gathering his strength again. Last night had been a mistake, a massive mistake. Chad, all he could think about lately was Chad; he should have been here by now. He was so scared something had happened to him, so fucking scared he wasn’t going to come. What if he was dead? It would be his fault, his fault that yet again someone died for him, because of him.
Without warning his mind wandered back to last night and he found himself running his fingertips across his lips. He hadn’t kissed anyone since Edward, hadn’t thought about anyone in that way since Edward. The fact that he chose now to start to fall for someone was just a testament to how utterly stupid he was. For God’s sake this wasn’t even real! This wasn’t his life, he was living a fucking lie and Jensen, Jensen knew nothing about him, he didn’t know the truth. He shouldn’t be here, this was all wrong, all of it. He should go back to L.A. and stop hiding. Stop being a fucking coward for once, stop running like he always did and go face Robert and find Chad.
Make it right.
“I can hear you thinking from here.”
Jared jumped, startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Jensen’s voice so close. Wide eyed he looked, and there he was, Leaning one shoulder against the wall, feet crossed at the ankles, and his hands in his pockets. He was going to very great lengths to hide how nervous he was, but Jared could see. He could always see.
“I was thinking it is time for me to go.”
“Go? Where?”
Jared had turned his face away to stare out in front of him, but turned his head and faced Jensen again.
“Back to L.A., I can’t stay here forever you know. It’s time for me to go.”
“But is it safe for you to go back? I mean, whoever was looking for you, wouldn’t they know you’re back? It isn’t safe yet Jared, you should stay!”
Jared’s eyebrows rose, “What do you care Jensen? I mean, job is done right? You got what you wanted right? It shouldn’t be hard for you to come up with some excuse as to why I am no longer around.”
Jensen moved from his spot a few feet away, just a little closer, watching Jared closely all the while.
“But we had a deal right? The house? I am to draw up a lease, sign it over to you, so it will be yours with no more worries from me. Don’t you want it anymore?”
Jared looked away again and shrugged, struggling to maintain an air of boredom, “Nah, I kinda decided to move on you know? I mean it’s nice here and all, but, time to get back to some excitement, I just get bored easy I guess.”
Jensen gazed at the man in front of him, and marvelled at what he just hadn’t been able to see before. He was lying, Jared was lying through his teeth. God knows how he knew, but he did. It was written all over the tense way he was holding his body, the way the knuckles in his hands that were clenched into fists were white. In the way he wouldn’t look Jensen in the face, and hadn’t done since he got here.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Sorry?” A scoffed laugh followed and Jared continued in the drawl Jensen now knew with surprising clarity that he hid behind, “Sweetheart, I don’t care what you believe, but I’m telling you I’m going.”
“You’re lying Jared. Look me in the face and tell me you’re not lying. Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not running cause of what happened last night. Tell me you’re not as affected by that kiss as I was.”
Jared could smell him now, smell the cologne he was wearing. He had moved closer step by little step as he had called Jared on his lies. He couldn’t breathe, he had to leave. He couldn’t do this. Straightening up with the intention of leaving he found himself trapped by two arms that snaked out without warning and placed themselves at either side of his face. Jensen had used the fact that Jared was sitting and leaning back to his full advantage, and even though Jared knew he could easily move Jensen away from him, he found himself frozen.
“You’re lying Jared. I have no idea why I know, but I do. I can’t stop thinking about last night. I was stupid, I have been stupid for so long, for years. I let David treat me like an idiot for so long I became one. But all it took, all it fucking took was for one kiss from you. When you kissed me it was like having my eyes opened for the first time. I don’t want David, I want....”
Stepping back then, enough to let Jared breathe easy he continued, knowing he had to look him in the face for this, let Jared see he was being honest and open. “I want to give you and me a go. I want to get to know you better Jared, there is something here, between you and me and I want to explore that. I think, I think we could be good.”
Jared stared wide eyed at Jensen for a few minutes, enough to make Jensen nervous and then, then he burst out laughing. “Are you serious? Jesus Jensen are you out of your fucking mind? There is nothing between us! Nothing! It was an act, don’t you get that? I was pretending! I don’t want this! I don’t want some simple apple pie life!”
“Stop it!”
The words, spoken clearly but in such a low dangerous voice stopped Jared in his tracks and he gazed wide eyed once more at the man before him. Jensen stood just inches from him, hands clenched into fists at his side and his eyes narrowed as he fired green daggers from their depths. “Just fucking stop lying Jared. Look. I get that you’re scared, I don’t know why. I can only guess that someone hurt you pretty bad in the past to make you this closed off. All I know is...” He stepped closer, closing the gap to nothing as he stood chest to chest staring Jared down. “All I know is, my family like you, I mean, really really like you. Chris has just warned me not to ever hurt you. My best friend who is usually so protective of me has warned me not to hurt you.”
Taking his very life in his hands and aware of what he had done to David last night for touching him, Jensen raised his hand slowly, and gently touched Jared’s cheek, and apart from flinching back for a second and the look of wide eyed fear in his eyes Jared made no move to kill him. “I don’t know what it is about you Jared. You are arrogant, and touchy, you drive me nuts and make me want to scream. But you wear those ridiculous sweatpants that are gonna fall apart all the goddamn time and I’m going crazy thinking about you, about touching you, about kissing you again. I wasn’t like this with David. I feel like you’ve gotten right under my skin and, I don’t want to get you out. I want to get to know you better. I want to know you Jared. Please?”
Jared gazed into wide green eyes for a long moment. Jensen was waiting, his whole face telling him he was being honest. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t afford to be broken like that again, he wouldn’t survive it. Raising his hand to cup the hand that rested on his cheek he gently lowered both, still holding Jensen’s hand gently in his. Without even meaning to his fingers laced with Jensen’s and he looked down in wonder at how they meshed together.
Jared’s guard was down and Jensen felt his heart crack at the look of wonder on his face as he gazed at their hands, Jesus he would give anything for five minutes alone with the person who had made Jared this afraid. “I know you’re scared Jared, hell I’m scared. I know I can’t guarantee you the perfect life, but I can guarantee you I will do my utmost to prove to you I’m worth the effort. We can do this, if you really want to, we can do this. I can move out of the house if you want. We can take this as slow as you like. Just let me try. I can show you that not everyone is out to hurt you Jared. I know someone broke your heart, I can see how frightened you are, but I’m not them, I’m better than that I swear to you.”
Jared struggled to find his voice, “Jensen, there is so much you don’t know about me, stuff I haven’t told you. You family, they won’t want me around when they know.”
Jensen gave into the urge he had been fighting for weeks and ran his free hand through Jared’s wayward hair, finding it as soft as he had thought. “Then you can tell me everything. As much or as little as you like, and my family won’t hate you and my Mom already thinks you’re the second coming. We do this slow ok? It’s not a requirement that I know it all on the outset, it’s enough to know that my gut tells me you are a good man.”
“No, I’m not. Jensen, I can’t, I can’t do this...I know you would be worth the effort, I can see that so clearly. You’re perfect, but I’m not. I’m not worth this, I will end up hurting you, and you will end up hurt because of me. I can’t....”
Jensen could see the despair Jared was letting himself sink into, and again cursing the person that had broken this beautiful man this way, he did the first thing that came into his head in an effort to convince him.
He kissed him.
Surprise widened Jared’s eyes at the first touch of lips against his. Two hands came up to frame his face with a gentleness he hadn’t felt in years and his eyes fluttered closed and lips seduced and fingertips stroked his face gently. Slowly he gave himself up to the kiss and let Jensen control it completely, and control it he did. He put everything he had into that kiss; it wasn’t the kiss of the night before. This kiss told Jared how much he wanted this. Jensen spoke without using words. As Jensen’s mouth met his he felt his plea to just try, as each meeting of their lips became longer and sighs deepened he heard Jensen’s promise to make it worth it. As Jensen’s fingertips gently stroked his cheeks as he tried to persuade Jared to let him in, he heard Jensen swear that he knew Jared was a good man, and as Jared finally opened his mouth and let Jensen in to explore his mouth with his tongue, Jensen had his answer.
Yes. Yes, oh God yes, please.
Finally Jensen pulled back and was gratified when Jared’s mouth followed his, his eyes still closed. He grinned as he kissed him one more time, open and wet and hot, oh so hot, his hands now lost in Jared’s hair, fingers tangled in curls and waves he wasn’t sure he ever wanted out of. Jared’s hands came up to hold Jensen’s face in his hands and the kiss deepened as his fingers spread across his cheeks. Jared took control this time, hands and mouth and tongue learning the taste of Jensen’s mouth, the feel of his tongue on his and the curve of his cheekbones. Breath quickened and groans deepened as Jared fell back against the wall, Jensen’s body hard against his. Jared’s hands roamed of their own accord down Jensen’s arms across to his back and down, down, until his hands cupped the curve of Jensen’s ass pulling him to him tighter, harder, until neither could breathe.
The lack of air forced them apart and Jared rested his forehead on Jensen’s, breathing hard, his hazel eyes blown wide and dark. Jensen smiled and Jared felt a smile break out on his own face in return and Jensen’s breath caught in his throat,
“Jesus Jared, I like the way we settled this, but you keep smiling like that and I’m going to forget all about taking this slow. How about we go home, let Mom fuss over you for another few hours before they head back tomorrow and then we can talk. We got time, loads of time, ok?”
Jared kissed his forehead and agreed and they pulled apart slowly. Jared tugged on Jensen’s hand as he moved away and he looked back questioningly. “Jensen, there are things....sometimes I get lost....in my head....just....I get...worried, scared....I just need....”
Jensen moved toward him and shushed him with a finger to his lips, he kissed him softly and whispered “It’s ok; if you get scared and try to run me off I promise I won’t go anywhere. I will stay right here, I swear, you and I, we are both worth this and I’m gonna prove it. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Come on, we will pop up and reassure Chris and Sophia we haven’t killed each other and go home and get pampered by Mom, sound good?”
“Sounds good.” Jared grinned again and Jensen had to bite his lip hard to keep from kissing that grin. Instead he squeezed Jared’s hand and whispered “As slow as you like ok?”
For the first time in over two years, Jared felt hope flaring to life again. Maybe it would be alright, maybe he could have this, just this and not have it snatched away.
**********************
That evening as Jared and Jensen relaxed with his family, playing basketball in the yard with Michael as Catherine and Joe looked on smiling contentedly and refereeing the squabbles that the three men got into, a well dressed man in his fifties threw himself into a seat in a diner in a small town just outside of Dallas.
As he waited for the burger and fries he ordered to be delivered, he absentmindedly picked up a newspaper left there by another customer, all the while bemoaning the shitty salesman job he desperately tried to make work. He choked on the water he was sipping when he spotted the announcement.
The little bastard!
So that’s where he ran off to! Looked like he had landed on his feet too. He grinned suddenly, the dimples on his cheeks that looked identical to the ones his nephew wore, out of place in a cold smile.
Time for a family reunion.
chapter 13