What Might Have Been Been pt 3
The bar Jared had given him the directions to was so small and so dimly lit that Jensen had to stand inside the door and blink a few times just to get his eyes adjusted. He could see why it attracted Jared and a select clientele that he could see already scattered throughout. He moved to the bar and ordered a beer. Glancing around him he spotted Jared silently watching him from a secluded corner, hazel eyes glittering gold in the dim light. He took the couple of minutes delay in handing in money and waiting for change to gather himself and draw a breath. He felt like the worlds greatest ass for doing this, starting this, opening old wounds that had been healing, but as he walked over to where Jared was seated, a sprawled out on the soft couch in the corner, he couldn’t help the thrill of awareness and the bubble of excitement that ran through him. As he took a seat on the comfortable couch next to Jared and took a sip of his beer before turning to face him, he found himself longing to touch. Just once, to be able to touch him and feel the way he used to feel, alive. He had this once, was it possible to have it again?
“You’re late man.”
Jensen grinned at the accusing tone in Jared’s voice, knowing the other man was mocking him,
“Fashionably late dude, you know me, love to make an entrance.”
Jared threw back his head and laughed at that it was so absurd, Jensen was the most private, shy, introverted person he had ever known, making entrances just were not his style at all, he knew Jensen was the type to slip in and out the back door if he could get away with it, and he knew several times where he had gotten away with it. He grinned in Jensen’s direction an impish look in his eyes;
“Oh yeah? Like the premiere of Friday 13th? Remember? You slipped in the back of the theatre and out the back again before the credits finished rolling? Left me with Gen and Daneele and hundreds of speculating fans on websites everywhere?”
Jensen grinned feeling more carefree and at ease than he had in a while, Jared had that effect on people and his presence had always had a calming effect on him and it showed in the smile he shot in Jared’s direction.
“I remember, fans going wild wondering what Daneele was doing there, and poor Gen taking a hell of a lot of shit for daring to be your date, I also remember your pay back later though....” He trailed off, suddenly embarrassed that he had managed to turn the conversation so spectacularly uncomfortable in one sentence, but images of Jared’s ‘payback’ and the love they had made were now firmly ingrained. It had been one of their more passionate encounters and he and Jared both had borne the marks and bruises for days afterwards....he looked up at Jared and found him grinning wide and the look in his eyes told him he was remembering that very same night too.
Jared decided to take pity on Jensen’s uncomfortable silence; this is not what he wanted. He just wanted to talk, talk and enjoy being around Jensen again. Talking with him, just sitting with him felt like home and he wasn’t going to do or say anything to jeopardise that right now, so he steered the conversation back to memories of pranks and fun, of long work days and even longer work nights. Neither of the two men felt the night slip by, and neither of them even bothered to check the time. Beer stood practically untouched as they sat and chatted and reminisced about a time in their lives and careers when things were so much simpler. Jared wiped tears of laughter from his eyes as a grinning Jensen sat back and watched with utter joy to have Jared laughing like this again, he knew it had been a long time since either of them had felt this happy and content, and the look of peace on Jared’s face told him all he needed to know. This felt right, this was right and it was at times like now that he had to wonder why they walked away from this. Some of his thoughts must have shown on his face because Jared was suddenly serious and turning to face Jensen a question written all over his expressive face;
“Jen? Do you ever wonder? I mean, do you ever think of me? About us? About what might have been?” Twisting on the couch and scooting closer, he rested his head on the hand that was thrown across the back of the couch, one leg tucked underneath him and continued, “Do you ever wish that...maybe we could go back, back to those days? Back to you and me?”
Jensen’s breath caught in his throat as he looked right into Jared’s face, his beautiful slanted eyes glittering suspiciously as he waited for him to reply. This was one of those moments that defined or decided people’s whole futures. Did he lie and say sure, he thought of him now and then but only with the fondness you have for an ex lover whom you sometimes wondered about. Or did he tell Jared the truth? Tell him how in two years Jared was never far from his mind? How every little thing, even to this day somehow reminded him of when they were together and so much in love nothing else mattered? If he admitted as much to Jared now what good would it serve? What purpose would it serve them both except to break their hearts all over again when the time came to walk away again. Nothing had changed, Jared was still at the start of what was a huge career, and they both still had families that simply would not understand, and Jensen still treasured his privacy far too much. All reasons they had split in the first place and none of them anything that he could see easily solved.
He knew he was wrong here. He was the one that had let Jared see him, and he was the one who had agreed to meet like this tonight. Looking at Jared now, so close to him, his elbow almost touching the hand that Jensen had casually thrown on the back of the seat, all he had to do was raise his fingers and he would be caressing Jared’s arm, it would be that easy, and the look on Jared’s face told him what it had told him that night two years ago, it was begging him to touch him, to stay.
“Jay, no....don’t do this man. We can’t do this, you know that.”
“I don’t know anything Jen, all I know is how much I’ve missed you, how much I want you back in my life, how I fucking ache every single time I see you. Nothing takes that away, no amount of success measures up to what we had Jen.”
“Jared, we talked about this back then, and we both decided it was for the best, there are just too many things blocking this road, too many repercussions, and too many people who will suffer...”
Jared raised his head from his hand and leaned forward so his face was only an inch from Jensen’s;
“Don’t lie to me Jensen, don’t you lie to me now and tell me you don’t love me like you used to. I can see it written all over you, and you know what? I still love you, so very fucking much...please, please Jensen, let me touch you, kiss me, please please....I’ve missed you so much. Just one night Jensen, what harm could one night do to us? We both want this, and you’re here now and I....I can’t walk away now, please, please don’t ask me to.”
The last five words were spoken on a ragged whisper and Jared lost control on the emotions he had battled so hard to hide all night. Jensen was stunned to see a tear fall from his eyes and he swallowed the lump that threatened to choke him. Raising a shaking hand he gently cupped Jared’s cheek, breath coming in short pants at the first contact in so long and gently wiped at the second tear that threatened to fall;
“Jared...oh God Jared...I’m so sorry, I should never have come here. You were doing ok, you were alright and I come and fuck it all up....I’m so sorry.”
Jared rubbed his face against the hand that felt so good against his skin and whispered,
“No, no don’t be sorry Jen, you didn’t fuck me up again. When I saw you sitting there in that cafe I felt...god I felt like you had come and breathed life back into me. I wasn’t living until you came back, I was only existing and doing what I thought I should be doing since we split, otherwise us breaking up would have been for nothing right? But you’re here now and I feel alive, I feel like I can breathe properly. I know we should both walk away, I know that. But Jensen I don’t want to anymore, I want you, I want to stay with you, I don’t care about anything else, just you...just you.”
Anything else he might have said was lost as Jensen finally closed the distance and their mouths met in the barest hint of a kiss, puling back slightly he gazed into Jared’s face and whispered;
“I love you Jared, so very much, I’ve missed you, I’ve missed your touch, and your smile and your utter goofiness, I’ve missed you.”
He punctuated every few words with a soft kiss and Jared smiled and reached out and taking Jensen’s face in both his hands gently shushed him with a kiss that was soft and smooth and so gentle that Jensen felt his toes curl.
“My apartment isn’t to far from here Jen, come home with me?”
part 4