What Might Have Been Been pt 2
As Jensen slowly made his way across town, back to Jason’s apartment, lost in thought, memories and pain, another man’s knees buckled from under him as he stood under the shower. Jared’s head reeled with shock and questions ran rampant through his dazed head. Why was he here? Why now? They said they wouldn’t, couldn’t do this, yet he was here, and he wasn’t sure if he could handle this. Why wasn’t he his? Why couldn’t he just touch him, taste him...god he felt like the last two years had never happened, the pain of losing Jensen was so fresh, like a scab that had been picked and was now bleeding, leaving him raw and feeling weak. He wasn’t surprised when the tears fell, he was just happy they had held out until he had left Jensen in that cafe. He was here, why? Why? A loud sob tore from his throat as he knelt under the spray and he lost himself to the memories of a time when he had had it all, a love that he had thought would have seen them through anything, a family he adored and adored him and a career on the up.
He still sometimes had to pinch himself to make sure it wasn’t a nightmare he was living. How did he end up here? With everything he had ever wanted but without the love that he craved so much by his side? Why had they made this decision for him? Why had he let them? Why hadn’t Jensen believed in them enough? Why hadn’t Jared himself? His breaths came harder and faster as he fought to control the rising tide of frustration and anger and pain that he had thought was under control. God he had known he would come face to face with Jensen at some point, but he had no idea that even two years down the line it would be this hard, hurt this much. But like a drug you knew would kill you eventually, but couldn’t turn away, he knew that while he had Jensen in this town at all he was going to take every opportunity to see him, talk to him, see him smile, maybe touch him, please god just one touch. He could do this, he could.
Question was would he survive it a second time?
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Jason entered his apartment that evening and found Jensen sitting out on the balcony nursing a shot glass with a full shot of whiskey in it. Uh oh...bad sign, he knew Jensen wasn’t drunk, one look had told him that. But he was hurting, that he knew. Moving quietly he took up the seat opposite Jensen, taking the whiskey out of his hand and downing it and heaving a great sigh;
“Oh man I needed that, hey, so I’m to gather you saw him then?”
Jensen blinked as if to shake himself out of whatever world he had lost himself in and stared at Jason for a second or two before nodding,
“Yeah, we uh, we talked...I didn’t mean for it to happen, but funnily enough in a town this size and we managed to accidentally meet, isn’t that crazy?” He gave a short humourless laugh and looked out onto the bustling city below and back to Jason’s sympathetic face, “He looks good, just like you said Jase, he...he seems happy, that’s what I wanted to know right? That he is happy?” He sat forward then and buried his face in his hands before dragging them back through his hair, Jason looking on, not saying a word, not having to say a word, Jensen didn’t need them, he needed a sounding board, an ear, that’s what he was here for. “Who am I kidding? You should have seen his face Jase, when he saw me, it was like the last two years had never happened and he...god I just wanted to put my hands on him, touch him, hold him, not let him go, I could tell he felt the same....but he is content now, he has a good life, I do too, I just came here to see for myself, one last time, that he was ok, and he is ok...Jason....what am I going to do? Chris was right... I should have stayed away, this wasn’t right or fair, not on Jared, or me...”
Jason sat forward then and grasped one of Jensen’s hand in a quick squeeze, before letting him go and speaking, “Jensen, listen to me, I have never hidden the fact that I thought you and Jared were making a huge mistake by letting each other go, and I have never hidden the fact that Steve and Chris’s interference was wrong, and don’t even get me started on Murray....but it’s done now, it happened and you have to move on, but you didn’t, you never moved on and, no matter how well Jared is doing now, neither has he, he loves you, he never stopped. This hurts I know, but it’s necessary, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you both have to either fall back into each other’s arms or walk away for good, ‘cause this was never resolved, not really. Sneaking out in the middle of the night wasn’t resolving it Jensen.”
Jensen thought back to that night, two years ago, and the pain and the tears they had both shed, knowing it was time to walk away, to leave, to go down their own roads. Jared’s name was out there and he was being headhunted, by the big producers in Hollywood and Jensen was going on to other pilots, other tv projects, he liked the pace of TV, and knew movies were not for him, whereas Jared only wanted movies, always had and had never hidden that fact. That coupled with the fact that they both knew their families would never in a million years understand how they felt for each other, they not only stood to lose everything they had worked for career wise, they stood to lose their families, and no amount of talking on either side could fix it. They had been broken, but they had both come to the painful decision to walk away after Supernatural ended, Jensen refusing to let Jared sacrifice his carer and Jared refusing to let Jensen sacrifice his family and the privacy he cherished so much.
But when it had been time to go, Jared had begged, begged for one more night, just one more, and Jensen had known there was no way they could ever walk away from each other. So he had waited until Jared had fallen into an exhausted sleep after their lovemaking and he had quietly called Chris who was in Vancouver at the time and he had slipped out into the night leaving nothing but a note telling Jared how much he loved him and to be safe and happy. This was the only way, and it had almost killed him.
Now he raised tortured eyes to Jason and whispered, “What have I done Jase? All this is going to do is take him right back to square one, he worked so hard to get here, it took so long to be able to breathe without him, and now, now I come here and start it all over again. Why couldn’t I just let it be? Stay away, stay in Vancouver?”
“Jensen, do you really believe that you are the only one that hasn’t wanted to know what the other was doing? For gods sake man! Do you know that three times in this last year alone, Jared has gone to Vancouver to see you?” Jensen reeled back, his mouth open in shock, “No, no way Jason, I would have known, I would have....Jesus....” He thought back to a few times over the last two years when he had sworn he had seen Jared, only to blink and realise that Jared wasn’t there, or the times he had been on set and felt a pair of eyes on him, looking around and then berating himself, telling himself of course there was a pair of eyes on him, he was acting a scene!
“Jesus.”
Jason nodded as he saw Jensen fit some pieces together, “He has never stayed away Jensen, he goes, for a day or two, alone, goes to see you working, to see you out and about, he needs to reassure himself that you are ok, so no, you are not alone in this, and you both will never be truly happy, not until you finalise this one way or the other.”
Jensen sat back in the chair and blinked at Jason, lost for words and reeling from the revelation that Jared had been to see him too, he didn’t know how to feel, how to react. Jason however stood up and reaching down pulled Jensen to his feet;
“Now go shower, I am right in presuming Jared asked you to meet him for a drink later? Good, now shower, I have been holding Chris off all day and he isn’t stupid, he is going to show up here soon and we are both screwed if he does before you get away.”
“Thanks Jason.”
“Don’t thank me Jensen, just go talk to him, and I mean really talk to him and decide once and for all to move on for good or try again, you owe each other that much.”
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part 3