a zen day with stress for desert
Maggie is about to hyper-analyse the last 7 hours of her life. Please do not take any of this too seriously, I'm just trying to work some shit out.
So I had a total zen day. Just chilled... did a little grocery shopping, cooked some biscuts (that turned out AWESOME) and generally just hung around.
But then this evening everything changed. Dancing was the worst of it. I had nearly forgot there was dancing tonight, but Stephie reminded me (yay!). But when I got there the crowd just overwhelmed me. I couldn't even make it to a chair without being bumped into 5 million times. And then I had to sit in that chair and change shoes while people continued to bump into me. And then I was dragged out onto a dance floor where people proceeded to bump into me and step on me. I tried, I really tried. I had some fun dances, but I was still constantly being bumped into! We left early; way early. Maggie left early from dancing; not only by choice, but she was the one who suggested it. You know that that means that it was BAD.
I think part of what made it bad (besides the WAY TOO MANY PEOLE part) was that I had been IMing with the Patrick prior to dancing. I've not really been publicizing the Patrick; he and I met at a dance event in PA about a year ago. Saying we hit it off is an understatement. We've loosely kept in touch since then. Now I've got six weeks of mandatory unpaid vacation and nothing to spend my time doing, and he volunteered to help fund a plane ticket. Considering that I've, for lack of a better word, been "crushing" on him since last year, I'll be going to see him in two weeks. I'll be there for about two weeks. He works days, so I've got days to myself and evenings and weekends with him. It's a wee bit complicated since, as we all know, crushing is a dangerous pasttime; it breeds fantasies that can only lead to disappointment, especially when the crushing occurs over long distances. There's also the issue that he's got a girlfriend, but it is an open relationship, and she's away while I'll be there. I've never really seen myself as able to operate in a poly-way. In relationships I'm freakishly monogomous; however, I have had a rather consistent fuck buddy for like 3 years now. I describe myself as "freakishly" monogomous because I don't really understand why I get that way when I'm dating a boy. When I like someone or I'm attracted to someone I don't really need them to be all mine, however as long as I like them I loose all interest in other guys. But I do seem to need a lot of attention (or at least thats how I was in my last relationship) and I can't fathom that one guy could give me all the attention that I need, plus have time for other girls. But I also kinda think that my need for attention is rooted in some kind of insecurity; but I doubt that insecurity would be helped by being in a poly-situation. I'd probably need to get over the insecurity and then examine the posibility of being in a poly-situation. Sadly, I leave in two weeks, so I don't really have time for that kind of therapy.
So I'm all kinds of conflicted: I'm excited, probably over-excited, at the prospect of getting two weeks of first-class lovin'. I'm nervous about the potential destruction of my crush and subsequent fantasy world. I'm nervous about how I'll feel when actually confronted with the poly-situation, or if I'll ever actually feel confronted by it. I'm anxious to get this all over with; not the trip, but the before part of wondering and hoping and being nervous. I'm sure when I get there I'll work through it all and I'll be on beyond fine; it's just this part leading up to it thats driving me nuts.
Alright, that was sort of a long tirade about the Patrick, the point was that I ended up heading off to dancing in a desperate-for-some-good-cuddling type mood. I get to dancing; it's on beyond packed and I feel ever impact with another person as a violent impact into my person. If I had been blues dancing I would have been in ecstasy, but I was not. In a way this was an isolated type incident since my mood was a big contributing factor, but really I think this might just be the straw that broke the camel's back. I've always been a huge advocate of supporting the swing scene. Even though I'm not a fan of the crowded floor, my presence gives begining dancers a connection point to the scene, an idea of what swing culture is all about, and an image of what their dancing could aspire to. (I'm not trying to say that I'm the world's best dancer, but compared to a begining dancer, I have light years of experience.) But I'm starting to loose faith in these begning dancers and the chance that I have to really make an imact. It's too crowded to swing out. The typical dancer is there with a possy of friends. The younger begining dancers have unabashedly turned girls down for dances. There are fewer experienced dancers. There are fewer of my favorite leads. The inexperienced dancers routinely do aerials on the crowded floor. I go dancing mostly for the social benefits, but I'm not getting any from Sunday nights. I'm not even getting the opportunity ot improve my dancing in any way. Plus I'm exposing myself to injury. Where the hell is that good reason why I should be going?? Maybe I'll start up again in the fall... or winter. But until then I think I'll add Mondays and Thursdays to my dance week instead of Sunday. It's a shame though, since I don't have to work Mondays. Maybe I can support begining dancers on Mondays and Thursdays... where the venue is small enough that you can actually find people again for a second dance. I'll still frequent Wednesdays at the Century, but I'll try to ignore their ageist practice of excluding those under 21 years of age.
Ah, I feel better after writting all that out.
So I had a total zen day. Just chilled... did a little grocery shopping, cooked some biscuts (that turned out AWESOME) and generally just hung around.
But then this evening everything changed. Dancing was the worst of it. I had nearly forgot there was dancing tonight, but Stephie reminded me (yay!). But when I got there the crowd just overwhelmed me. I couldn't even make it to a chair without being bumped into 5 million times. And then I had to sit in that chair and change shoes while people continued to bump into me. And then I was dragged out onto a dance floor where people proceeded to bump into me and step on me. I tried, I really tried. I had some fun dances, but I was still constantly being bumped into! We left early; way early. Maggie left early from dancing; not only by choice, but she was the one who suggested it. You know that that means that it was BAD.
I think part of what made it bad (besides the WAY TOO MANY PEOLE part) was that I had been IMing with the Patrick prior to dancing. I've not really been publicizing the Patrick; he and I met at a dance event in PA about a year ago. Saying we hit it off is an understatement. We've loosely kept in touch since then. Now I've got six weeks of mandatory unpaid vacation and nothing to spend my time doing, and he volunteered to help fund a plane ticket. Considering that I've, for lack of a better word, been "crushing" on him since last year, I'll be going to see him in two weeks. I'll be there for about two weeks. He works days, so I've got days to myself and evenings and weekends with him. It's a wee bit complicated since, as we all know, crushing is a dangerous pasttime; it breeds fantasies that can only lead to disappointment, especially when the crushing occurs over long distances. There's also the issue that he's got a girlfriend, but it is an open relationship, and she's away while I'll be there. I've never really seen myself as able to operate in a poly-way. In relationships I'm freakishly monogomous; however, I have had a rather consistent fuck buddy for like 3 years now. I describe myself as "freakishly" monogomous because I don't really understand why I get that way when I'm dating a boy. When I like someone or I'm attracted to someone I don't really need them to be all mine, however as long as I like them I loose all interest in other guys. But I do seem to need a lot of attention (or at least thats how I was in my last relationship) and I can't fathom that one guy could give me all the attention that I need, plus have time for other girls. But I also kinda think that my need for attention is rooted in some kind of insecurity; but I doubt that insecurity would be helped by being in a poly-situation. I'd probably need to get over the insecurity and then examine the posibility of being in a poly-situation. Sadly, I leave in two weeks, so I don't really have time for that kind of therapy.
So I'm all kinds of conflicted: I'm excited, probably over-excited, at the prospect of getting two weeks of first-class lovin'. I'm nervous about the potential destruction of my crush and subsequent fantasy world. I'm nervous about how I'll feel when actually confronted with the poly-situation, or if I'll ever actually feel confronted by it. I'm anxious to get this all over with; not the trip, but the before part of wondering and hoping and being nervous. I'm sure when I get there I'll work through it all and I'll be on beyond fine; it's just this part leading up to it thats driving me nuts.
Alright, that was sort of a long tirade about the Patrick, the point was that I ended up heading off to dancing in a desperate-for-some-good-cuddling type mood. I get to dancing; it's on beyond packed and I feel ever impact with another person as a violent impact into my person. If I had been blues dancing I would have been in ecstasy, but I was not. In a way this was an isolated type incident since my mood was a big contributing factor, but really I think this might just be the straw that broke the camel's back. I've always been a huge advocate of supporting the swing scene. Even though I'm not a fan of the crowded floor, my presence gives begining dancers a connection point to the scene, an idea of what swing culture is all about, and an image of what their dancing could aspire to. (I'm not trying to say that I'm the world's best dancer, but compared to a begining dancer, I have light years of experience.) But I'm starting to loose faith in these begning dancers and the chance that I have to really make an imact. It's too crowded to swing out. The typical dancer is there with a possy of friends. The younger begining dancers have unabashedly turned girls down for dances. There are fewer experienced dancers. There are fewer of my favorite leads. The inexperienced dancers routinely do aerials on the crowded floor. I go dancing mostly for the social benefits, but I'm not getting any from Sunday nights. I'm not even getting the opportunity ot improve my dancing in any way. Plus I'm exposing myself to injury. Where the hell is that good reason why I should be going?? Maybe I'll start up again in the fall... or winter. But until then I think I'll add Mondays and Thursdays to my dance week instead of Sunday. It's a shame though, since I don't have to work Mondays. Maybe I can support begining dancers on Mondays and Thursdays... where the venue is small enough that you can actually find people again for a second dance. I'll still frequent Wednesdays at the Century, but I'll try to ignore their ageist practice of excluding those under 21 years of age.
Ah, I feel better after writting all that out.